1631

Friends: “I’d really like some money or that one game for Christmas. How about you?”

Me:

I guess it doesn’t affect me quite as much as some others, since I hardly draw anymore and I’ve been heavily cutting social media as a whole out of my life (which feels pretty fucking amazing. Seriously, give it a try). If in fact I do decide to draw anything smutty, I’ll upload it somewhere where it’s thematically appropriate and at least maybe make mention of it.

For everyone else this change is affecting, particularly financially, now is a good time to branch out if you haven’t already (which you should have if you’re serious about making money off you work). Newgrounds is getting a lot of attention again, but you of course have things like Patreon, Twitter, etc. If you have the money and/or means to do so, get your own site to host your stuff on, and drop links to it on whatever social platform you use. I feel like what few of you that do this professionally already know this and are way ahead of me, but I feel like it’s still worth mentioning, just in case.

Change, while an anathema to the comfortable and complacent, isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Treat it as an opportunity to branch out and spread your wings.

Bummer about what’s coming up on the 17th.

Rest in Peace, Stan Lee. To say your contributions helped shape the world we live in would be a gross understatement, and the world is a much poorer place without you.

Just woke up, drinking day old coffee, eating pizza from last night, and listening to Mass Destruction at high volume.

Hey look, it’s the first thing I’ve drawn in like 2 years lol

I really want to know how people 100 years ago would react to knowing that the children of the great and unknowable future would create a world in which literally anything and everything is being anthropomorphised into things we can stick our dicks into.

Birthdays are also a bitter reminder of past lives you’ve lived with old friendships you’ve had. There is no greater sorrow than to recall times of happiness when in misery, as the saying goes.

Hey, you guys remember when I used to draw stuff? Yeah, that was pretty neat. Been thinking about getting back into it. A lot. There’s been a lot of days where I’ve fired up Photoshop and sat there looking at a blank canvas for like 5-10 minutes before I ultimately shut it down and do something else. Was digging though an old art folder of mine, and came across this pen sketch I did back when I worked casino security in Vegas:

And digging through all my old art was a nice trip down memory lane as it were, but for some reason this sketch in particular got me really thinking about my current state, and how I’ve just become stagnant not just in art, but in ‘real life’ as well. I kind of feel like a large part of my art problem and life problem is really due to not having any sort of direction in my life; I don’t have any real goals or aspirations. There’s things I’d like to do, but nothing I’m particularly passionate about. I don’t have a reason to live. That doesn’t mean I want to die, but I don’t really have anything to look forward to or strive for. I just kind of exist. And when you find yourself in such a situation, it becomes really hard to be motivated about anything, and you’re just kind of in a neutral semi-emotionless state.

I can still mark the day when I really stopped trying to create anything again. It was the day I didn’t just realize, but deeply understood the feeling that people, my fans and followers and the like, didn’t care for the personal works of mine that I loved and put a lot of time into; they were here for the smut. And, you know, it makes sense. Sex sells and all that. It’s been that way for time eternal. And it was one of those things where you’re like “yeah, I get it that’s how the world is” but when it really sets in deep inside and becomes really personal, it’s actually a really fucking depressing realization. And for a while after that, I was pretty bitter and upset and depressed, because that really is just how it is. But as a result, whatever motivation and drive and love for the craft I had was pulled up by the roots and the earth beneath it salted. It’s been more than long enough that I’ve come to terms with all that, but I’m still in this barren rut. It’s not so much I was thrown off the horse and have yet to get back on, it’s more like I got off the horse and sent it on its way and now there’s no horse to get back on to; you know, like being in a hole and finally deciding you want out, but there’s nothing to climb out with. So I kinda just shrug my shoulders, and another day passes.

I dunno, I just feel like between trying to find another horse to get on and dealing with the number of internal and external problems I’m having in my life right now, I’m just wholly incapable of drawing or creating anything anymore. I think what I probably have to do though, is learn to draw for myself again. A lot of the art I had been doing was for others really, for you guys, because you happened to like the crap I produced, and seeing and hearing how much people like your work is really nice. But somewhere along the way, I stopped doing things for me. I got so swept up in creating all this stuff for the sake of other people that I had forgotten what it was like to just create things. Or maybe I buried it all under all the anger and bitterness I felt, and it just kind of died. Who knows...

Sorry for the essay, I just felt I needed to get all that out. I’m still looking for that horse, but there isn’t anything in sight as of yet. Maybe I’ll try forcing myself to make something. Yeah, probably should. Sorry for everything guys. Hope you understand.