The most bitter of chuckles erupted from my throat as I laid my head back on the couch and looked at the dusty ceiling that I’d never got around to cleaning because it was too goddamn high for any human sized being to reach, trying my hardest to keep those haunting thoughts out of my head for at least a single second before I went absolutely crazy.
Even though I hadn’t been drinking, in fact I hadn’t had a sip of alcohol since that night where we got wasted and everything changed, I felt dizzy and nauseous; I felt a headache coming and I didn’t know what to do with myself. I wanted to sleep, stay awake, scream, break things, and especially kick myself in the ribs for ever thinking that there was such a thing as a happy ending for a person like me.
I’d known better for years until she’d showed up in my life.
How dared she come rushing into my life, giving me hope for the possibility of whatever shitty romantic story I had made up in my mind for the both of us only to wreck it all at the first opportunity of leaving with a better, wealthier option just because things got a little rough between us.
Did I ever even count as an option in her mind?
After all it wouldn’t be the first woman to walk away from me because I wasn’t good enough…
My hands held my temples for a moment, just resting there not knowing what the fuck to do with all those thoughts in my hands, moving my palms up and down trying to shake them away, harder with each stroke until my skin was almost burning. That sensation that had spread through my entire body had started way before that. It made my fingers ache with the need to punch thousands of holes through a thick concrete wall; it burned my stomach giving me the feeling that I wanted to throw up when I knew damn well that I hadn’t had a single bite that day. My chest from the sensation of something trapped under there trying to break free from the inside out. It burned my throat from all the times that I’d wanted to scream so loud I would scare my neighbors and held back because it seemed fucking ridiculous to react like that.
And most importantly it burned my eyes. My eyes were on fire and no matter how hard I rubbed them, the wetness threatening to cloud my sight refused to go away.
I hadn’t cried in years and I wasn’t about to start again now.
Was it even fair to get mad at her? After all I couldn’t blame her for not feeling the same way I did. How many times had I done that to other women without a care in the world whether or not it broke their heart? Was all of this some sort of twisted payback for being a promiscuous son of a bitch for so fucking long? Was karma finally coming back to bite me in the ass?
So many questions and all I needed was to get them off my head for a goddamn while before I lost my mind.
Sitting around and just going back through everything that had happened was doing nothing for me. Thinking just wasn’t an option and if I ran my fingers through my hair one more fucking time I could bet I’d go bald.
And then there was, the knock on the door.
Exactly whatI needed to stop thinking once and for all.
“So no one has seen him?” You asked, checking back on the last cubicle you’d found to see if anyone knew where the hell he could be and getting nothing from a sorry expression and a shaking head from the person in front of you. An exasperated sigh escaped your lips “How is that possible?” Your foot accidentally stomped the ground, probably making you look like an idiot too old to be throwing a fit.
But lord knows you didn’t give a flying shit in that moment.
“Hey!” A familiar voice came from behind you but before you could turn around they were already touching your shoulder. It was Emma.
“Did you find him?” The question came out a little more hope filled than you would’ve liked, but the furrowed brows on your friend’s forehead gave the answer away even before she replied “No. Don’t say anything. Maybe it’s better like that.” You held a hand up to stop her from speaking before she could say anything as disappointing as the look on her face.
“Shut up and put that hand down.” She regained her breath after apparently rushing to find you and not-so-delicately grabbed your wrist to place your hand back where it was. You waited patiently for whatever she had to say, not daring to interrupt her again in case she decided to rip off one of your limbs. Lord knows she wasn’t a patient woman. “He’s not here. I just asked the receptionist and she told me he left with his stuff and looking quite shit. Her words not mine.” She showed her palms in demonstration of apparent innocence “He checked out and went home sick. He’s not here.” Her hands came down and grabbed your shoulders, shaking you back and forth lightly “You two need to talk right now.”
“What? Why. He doesn’t have any intention to keep in touch with me; he’s made that clear enough.” You removed her hands from your body “I mean he’s my roommate for fucks’ sake and I haven’t seen him in days! He hasn’t called or texted; or fucking knocked on my bedroom door which is exactly ten feet away from his. If he doesn’t wanna talk then fine, I’m not gonna beg. I’m done begging shit from men.” You finished crossing your arms defensively, and noticing the strange look the man still sitting on the cubicle next to both of you had on his face you turned around and simply decided to walk away from the situation.
The past month you’d had enough drama for a lifetime.
“Listen to me.” Emma caught up with you a few meters further “I know you haven’t told me everything. I know some weird shit is going on between the two of you but I don’t need explanation because contrary to popular belief I’m not stupid.” She spat out sarcastically pointing at herself “What I do know for sure is that you’re not the same woman now, that you were when you moved in with him. God knows what the fuck is going on in that apartment and for all I care the both of you might as well build a porno filming studio in there.” Your lip shot up in disgust unconsciously “But you’re different. And different for the better.” Her expression changed from slightly cynical to motherly just like only good old Emma could manage to do so gracefully “You’re a better version of yourself since you’ve been with him and I can tell! I know I’ve been completely missing since I’ve started dating that fucking idiot who I’m probably in love with , and so against my will by the way, but let’s not get too distracted with that for now and before you freak out we don’t have the time, I want you to grab your fucking shit, go down that fucking elevator, take a fucking cab and go back to your fucking apartment and talk to him.” She said without stopping for breath, impressing you greatly, and started pushing you toward your working spot, handed you your bag and keys, acting innocent when she accidentally dropped the bouquet of flowers on the floor and stepped on it “If you refuse I swear to god I’ll drag you there myself. I swear.” She repeated for emphasis.
“I wouldn’t doubt that.” A small smile grew up your lips and you couldn’t help but hug her tightly like you hadn’t had the chance to do in a while “Thank you.” You said sincerely, took a step back and turned around to leave “We’ll talk about the being in love part later though, don’t think you’re off the hook with that!”
“Yeah yeah…” She rolled her eyes but you caught a sparkle in her eyes you hadn’t seen in a while.
“Wait!” The heels of your boots almost failed you and if you hadn’t had that wall near your reach you would’ve probably broke your ass after slipping on the recently cleaned floor “What do we tell the boss? I can’t just leave in the middle of the day!” You asked desperately, fearing your entire plan could fail miserably from such a small detail.
“I’ll take care of him, don’t worry.” Her hand brushed you off unworriedly and you frowned questioning.
“How?” Your keys dangled in your hands, and you almost dropped them along with your jaw when the same hand formed a fist, came near hear mouth and in sync with her tongue made a gesture that brought images to your mind you wished you never would’ve had to see.
The disgust was too much, so you simply turned around and waved goodbye, hearing Emma’s loud laugh coming from behind you before the elevator doors appeared in front of you.
The cab couldn’t get home fast enough; and while you were silently damning the driver for taking such a long time, that one word you’d subconsciously thought of stuck in your mind.
Home… who would’ve known after such a short period of time, you would be calling a place you couldn’t have imagined even in your wildest dreams your home. But deep down, you knew it wasn’t the place itself that made you feel you belonged to it, the lovely neighbors or the amazing surrounding neighborhood; it was the person living in the next room, the one that had brightened up your days and picked you up when you were on the ground at your worst that made it seem like that.
You’d never wished so strongly that something wasn’t irreversibly broken.
Paying the driver and moving at an unsafely inhuman speed, your feet did their best not to have you trip and fall to your death as you were flying up the stairs, cursing yourself for being so out of shape after the first two flights when your breath was growing short and your heart was racing like it was about jump out of your chest.
The feelings you were experimenting could not quite be put into words, a mix of nervousness and excitement, hope and fear which grew with every passing second as you made your way up the last steps and saw the big golden numbers hanging on your door.
You noticed you hadn’t pulled out the keys, so ruffling through your back, your fingers grazed over every item until you felt the cold metal material. And as you were about to put it in the lock and twist it, you heard a slamming door coming from the inside, taking you by surprise and startling you immediately, becoming even more nervous now that you had confirmation that he was indeed in the apartment.
Opening the door finally, you took a deep breath to calm yourself down from the adrenaline pumping through your veins before swinging the metal surface open and widening your eyes as you were met with the scene before you.
The usually neatly placed cushions that belonged to the living room couch were thrown all around the apartment like a hurricane had just passed by; some glasses were broken on the floor, magazines thrown around and even the chairs looked like they’d been abruptly moved from where they usually rested in front of the small dining room table.
What the fuck had happened there?
Your brows furrowed deeply and your mouth dropped slightly as you slowly took a few steps inside the place, taking in everything that you were seeing and, no matter how hard you tried, not being able to process what could’ve happened inbetween the short period of time where you’d left the apartment that morning and Calum returned from work sick.
You weren’t exactly sure what it was, but something told you it wasn’t the best idea to call Calum’s name in the moment, so you didn’t. You just simply kneeled down next to the couch, intending to pick up one of your favorite furry cushions and put it back in place when something caught your attention; which was a lot to say considering the big chaos surrounding you was eye-catching as a whole.
There was the most miniscule piece of red fabric lonely lying on the floor of your apartment, your fingertips brushing on it slightly by accident and you noticed it was a very soft delicate red lace, not needing to pick it up to know that it was woman’s underwear and most certainly not yours.
Suddenly the scene around you made sense at last.
There hadn’t been a breaking, a sci-fi phenomenon where a tornado had spontaneously formed in your apartment, to wreck everything as it was, hadn’t happened. The mess you had then before your eyes was nothing but the result of one of Calum’s many female friends arriving and the situation probably getting a little too crazy. Your roommate himself had explained to you how kinky those ‘dates’ could get; but never in your life did you think that he would leave for work in the middle of the day, using the excuse that he was sick only to come back home to have a quick fuck with some stranger he would never talk to again.
That didn’t seem like the Calum you knew.
But then again, did you know him at all? After all, it was him who had stopped talking to you for whatever reason after he’d fallen asleep next to you result of a crazy drunk night like it was somehow your fault that things had gotten a little weird when in reality they didn’t have to be.
Surely that was the loud slamming you’d heard from outside as you were walking in, the two of them locking up in his bedroom to stay there for as many hours as the day had, him not giving a single shit whether you walked in on them or not.
Why were you even surprised?
It’s not like it was the first time you’d caught a man you had feelings for in bed with another woman. It’s not like it was the first time you were absolutely replaceable in the eyes of a man who meant a lot in your life.
Could it really be happening again?
Before you knew what was going or gave your mind time to process what things would be like from now on, you got up from the ground and started walking towards the door that you’d left open, each banging of your heels against the floor echoing through the walls of the place you thought was your home for a while, piercing your ears as you grabbed the doorknob and closed the door behind you a little too hard; not really knowing what to do or where to go from there.
