thought .2

sometimes you can find yourself struggling, feeling the emotional damage hitting the inner core of your chest and feeling like you are slowly being ripped apart, the pain going from this core in your chest round your body and making you feel uncomfortable, wanting to curl up in to a ball and disappear until it fades, it’s a struggle to get out of it and it’s even harder to keep it away for a while, but there are always things that you can do to try ease your body and get back in to touch with yourself, how you want to feel and how you feel peaceful. for me it comes down to one thing and that’s one girl. i can be there, crying - wishing that this uncomfortable feeling would leave and let me go back to how i was before, and all it takes for me is to be reassured or just spoken to by this one girl, i just feel a burst of all the good things that i have ever felt and this physical pain leaves me straight away, all it takes is a few words.

the pain never gets the better of me, because i have someone that can get on top of it every single time, whenever i feel down, she is there, whenever i feel like giving up, she’s there before the thought comes, whenever i feel lonely, i know she is feeling love, whenever i feel love, i know who i’m thinking of. all of these things i have been oblivious to in the past and i truly believe that you can be so in love with someone you need them to keep going, i get a sense of energy and inner peace when i know she’s thinking about me, and i feel emotionally strong. i feel knowledgeable and filled with purpose just being beside her, by knowing that i have made the right choice falling in love with her - not that i had a choice actually. i know i have a purpose to impress her every day and do silly things, i like leaving silly notes hidden in her room, some she hasn't even found or some she knows she can’t open just yet, i have written love letters and i have said so many powerful things that just come to me when i think about her, there’s no way of me controlling it. i used to see big notes about people being in love when i was younger and i never thought it would be anything like this, the energy and the inner connection that is truly felt is something i never thought could be real, how as humans we can mentally interact and read each other with out saying a word or spreading an emotion. just from knowing how to read someones body and tell what they’re thinking straight away, i think this is love.

I know this is love.

i’ve known from day 1, the very first sight of her coming in through those doors and fast forward many months and many dates later, i’m sat here alone in my bedroom thinking about when i will next see her and when i will next be able to hold her, feeling her soft skin against my body and feeling the warm air bursting from her cells to warm me up and keep us in a sense of cosiness. i know that i can sit there while she sleeps and just watch over her making sure she's safe and as comfy as she possibly could be because i genuinely feel lucky to be able to call her mine, this isn’t just any girl, this is my girl. and she is absolutely gorgeous, i mean fucking beautiful. her green emerald eyes that stare in to my eyes and read what I'm feeling and speak to me through the shine, just being able to tell how she's feeling by gazing in to these two gems. knowing that next time i see her i will be blessed with being able to feel her soft, warm, perfectly shaped lips press up slowly against mine and having the inner connection i always feel. i couldn’t be happier in my life because i have found peace and everything that i could ever want, nothing else seems to matter, i could die happy knowing that i have been able to feel this and know that she feels the same back

i have seen the way she looks at me, even when she thinks i’m not looking i always see her just looking at me and thinking about how i look, what i’m thinking, how i feel. i sense this and catch her almost every time because i feel i can read her, there’s something i can’t explain about what i feel and i like it, it’s almost comforting. something about the inner feeling, not just being physically attracted to her or having that exclusivity in a relationship but having this inner feeling that keeps telling me that i’m happy with how my life has turned out, i still remember crying alone in my room a few years ago thinking i would be alone for the rest of my life, years on and i am sat with a smile on my face as i type trying to make sense of these feelings, i don’t think a human can find peace until they find love, truly. because i think that being able to settle with yourself and your thoughts is something that will come after being connected deeply with someone that you can tell can give you the essence of peace you need. if i feel stressed i think about holding her hand and i feel the interlock of our fingers closing in any gaps i have in my head and keeping me strong and secure. a relationship shouldn't be about sex or showing off, i think to me personally it is about having someone that can make your life feel bright and meaningful, we are all here for a reason, and what if that reason is to have this life experience of finding inner peace and continuing this love that every person has in them. there is so much life in the world, through plants and animals and people, i think feelings run through everything and peace is a universal concept, i have found it in the love of my life, i love you kirsty. 

i can't stop crying

this one random post

So i think there comes a time in every solid relationship where you find yourself just sitting back and realising everything that you have gained and experienced with your significant other. Those times you just sit back and think “woah dahm” and i love these moments. I get these times a lot and what hits me most is the fact that this one girl has an effect on me that has me in tears, alone in my room because she’s not with me, i’ll be at work constantly thinking about her and when i’ll get to see her next, it will feel like i’ve waited years for her - which i would, and i’m content with knowing that when she’s back, every single second i would have waited would be acknowledged and appreciated, the first look into her galaxy-like green eyes and just seeing the emotion come out of them. i crave this. i like having that time apart so when we see each other it keeps things fresh and it’s like we’re the shy going-to-happen couple that everyone assumed we were in the first place, we both knew from the start that we would have each other as long as we both could put up with each other, and i truly think that that will be a lifetime, the things she does - like having a fear of touching her toes through socks, or hating people touching her shins, her intense hate for fish and her weird liking of diet coke, she’s not a health freak she just likes the taste.. apparently.. health freak.. 

Right now i’m sat with less than 24 hours to wait before i can hold her again and i know we will just sit there, in total silence while time passes by just teasing the unique feeling of having that specific set of hands around your body and having your hands around theirs to create that held bond that some people crave, i’m lucky to have this when i do, she is always warm and has the softest skin i’ve ever felt, her body is so tight put together and i can run my hands down her from head to toe and feel every firm part of her and appreciate what i have. the connection between us is something i’m trying to put into words and i really can't, i can't. 

There was a time - a few months ago now, where we went on a totally lost walk to a loch somewhere near home, we went off the path and ended up in a totally new area we never knew existed, in this area we both just stopped and looked at each other, her being taller than me for the first time in her life by standing on a slight slant on the hill we were on, in this moment we then closed our eyes and what happened next i can’t explain. but i can try. there was just a surge of emotion, this constant swaying feeling in my mind and a genuine connection i had with her, i could feel everything, the air, the trees, the plants, the sky, her heart beat through her hands and this feeling of happiness - uncontrollable and mind blowing. and this feeling and this moment happened for a good few minutes before we stepped back and smiled. i will treasure this for the rest of my life

I want to grow old with her, have a family, build a house, have a bad job, blow my bosses mind with insane ideas and become CEO and have an even worse job, travel with her, experience more things for the first time with her, there have been plenty of things that she has showed me and i have showed her for the first time but i know the list of things we can experience is endless because of how open she is and how lucky i am to have her. we are total opposites, she loves snowboarding and theme parks and i can't get into many sports and have intense fears of rides, yet we are so perfect for each other, everything fits and i can call her my girl - proudly.

Next time i see her i’ll let her know exactly how i feel properly, she deserves that, i’m going to hold her and make sure she knows I'm her boy and only hers, i am proud of that, she is absolutely stunning, way out of my league for sure and how i got her is beyond me, mixture of luck and finding a genuine person i guess, i’m not letting go of that, if i have to work to keep her i shall do that, without hesitation, for as long as i have to. this isn’t saying i don’t work for her now, i like to impress her, of course i work for her.

She will probably never see this, and i’m happy with that, I'm happy that i can share what i think about my girl to this random website and know that i have made my views public about how lucky i am and how fucking in love i am. i wouldn’t change her for anything, in absolute honesty.

Kirsty, I love you.