Hyperbole and a Half

Too real.

Love!

Yasss

Twitter has a 140 character limit, yet I still found a way to tell one of the longest and most obnoxious knock-knock jokes of all time within a single tweet.

I am more proud of this accomplishment than any human right has the right to be.

The dads are evolving

They have learned our technology, they control our communication

this is beautiful

Do you ever notice yourself getting bad again…like, you know you’re not doing work that needs to be done, you know you’re not cleaning, you know you’re not taking care of yourself…you know all the things you need to do to start trying to feel better. But you just can’t. And you’re left feeling like shit bc you thought you were getting better but here we are

A little girl and her mom were looking at me at the coffee shop this morning and I heard her mom say “go on, it’s ok!” and the little girl shuffled up to me and said “ex-cuse me please, do you have to put on your tattoos by yourself every DAY or does your mom help you?” I am d y i n g

omg I’m glad you guys love this as much as I did haha, she also showed me her rain boots because her mom helped her put them on and told me that she likes to draw (especially elephants,) she was the best!!!

Dogs are too pure honestly

i don’t like texting because it fosters this idea that we have to be accessible to others and to interaction 24/7??? stop that!!! if im not texting back, it’s not bc i i hate you, it’s because im just chilling, ok? and interacting is draining. i don’t think every person should have to be accessible to everyone that has their number literally every second of every day. stop apologizing for not texting back “on time.” do you, live ya life on your own time okay????

No one will ever find it.

Jesus really said this

Jesus really did

“live fast, die young. bad girls do it well” I sing as I organize my sock drawer before going to bed at 9:30pm on a Friday night

if u ain't givin mutual bjs then u homophobic that's just tea

- jesus