I could spend the next couple of years mostly doing Vox Machina art, but I’m juggling things as is, so I tried to squeeze in everything in a four month project. Since the file is so ridiculous I cut it up for posting here, but you can see the whole assembled thing over on my Patreon.

Thank you to my patrons as well for sticking with me during this project! I’ll cover the last quarter of the painting, from Kashaw and Lyra (under the white dragon) and down to the end, in one of this month’s tutorials.

how did jk manage to write ootp and not come to the conclusion that the only career w any true meaning for harry james potter was as a goddamn professor at hogwarts like how do u write the da scenes and say “nah he’d want to be a wizard cop”

#just let him dress in warm sweaters and have tea with neville in the staff room and help first years #harry james potter as hogwarts longest serving defense against the dark arts teacher fucking fight me (@batcii)

#but it would be so perfect??? #bc it would help normalize his life so much #like there would just be this generation of kids who are like #‘ugh who cares that he killed the dark lord he gAVE US HOMEWORK OVER BREAK’ #like the beginning of every year there would be the new first years who would freak out a little #but then it would calm down #and most of the students would literally forget #until like clockwork the fifth years would have their history of magic class on the second war #and they’d all show up to DADA looking a little awestruck and everyone would be extra quiet #and harry would give this kind of annoyed sigh—except it’s fake bc he TOTALLY knew this was coming #bc binns is a bro and he totally gives him a heads up every year #and harry wouldn’t have any lesson plans for the day and instead he would just sit at the front of the room and answer everyone’s questions #but otherwise everyone would just be like ‘professor potter!! i can’t get my patronus to work! help me!’ #and like they’d go home at the end of the year or for break and their parents—who ARE still starstruck by harry james potter #would pester their kids with questions#and the kids would just be like ‘merlin i don’t know?? potter’s such a huge dork you should hear him talk about proper wand movements’ #but they would all love him #and he would feel safe and normal and utterly accepted #AND I NEED THIS IN MY LIFE (via @cinematicnomad)

Not to mention it would be an ultimate Fuck You to Voldemort, who put a curse on the teaching position in the first place.

Like, Jo, I don’t want to tell you how to do your job, but COME ON

I already queued this but also, you do this, but still have Ginny become a famous Quidditch player. Imagine the first time Harry gets called “Ginny’s husband” before “the boy who lived” or “the chosen one.” Imagine how fucking pleased he’d be.

Imagine the first time a student comes up to him looking starry-eyed and Harry’s thinking “Oh no” because he doesn’t want to talk about Voldemort or the war but instead this little eleven year old is like “ARE YOU REALLY MARRIED TO WEASLEY FROM THE HOLLYHEAD HARPIES???!?? WHAT’S SHE LIKE?” and he’s like “oh thank god” because he could talk about Ginny all day. 

Yes. Good.

Actually, all three of them should have become professors. Hermione would have become Headmistress, of course–youngest Headmistress of Hogwarts ever, and the only one willing to turn the portraits of her predecessors to the wall if they gave her too much lip about her efforts to modernize the curriculum. (She probably started as Transfiguration professor after McGonagall became Headmistress, but it wouldn’t surprise me if McGonagall was grooming her for the Headmistress job all along.)

And Ron took over as flying instructor for Professor Hooch; everyone thinks he’s an easy A because he’s so mellow and silly and hands out candy for good performances and his brother and sister sometimes visit the class to show off some of their old Quidditch moves and give away Wizard Wheezes to the best fliers, and it’s not until they talk to someone else from a different school or era that they realize that flying is actually really difficult to learn and Ron just found ways to slip all the teaching in under the fun so that they didn’t even notice. Things that seemed like silly tricks or goofy jokes turned out to be mnemonics for complex maneuvers, and of course nobody ever wanted to skip a class under his tutelage.

thisTHIS

Okay all other canon epilogues can go home, this is the best.

Yoooooooo gimmie

imagine talking about alexander the great and not mentioning that he died of grief only 8 months after hephaestion died, that he petitioned the oracle to give hephaestion literal divine status so that people could worship him as a god, that he threw himself on hephaestion’s dead body and refused to leave for two days, that he put together the biggest funeral procession known to the world at the time, that he gave hephaestion a lock of his own hair at the funeral in blatant reference to achilles doing the same with patroclus….like heteronormativity is so wild that he could come back from the dead and come out to every historian personally and it still wouldn’t be enough to render him anything but straight

My understanding of D&D is that the GM has the power to make the next quest a heist, but the players control whether the background music for this heist will be the Pink Panther theme, the Mission Impossible theme, or the Benny Hill theme.

That’s it, that’s the game!

Anarcho-third-graderism for the win

Someone twisted this Jewish family’s menorah into the shape of a swastika

Naomi Ellis and her her husband Seth spent Friday morning — the morning after the sixth night of Hanukkah — trying to explain to their three young sons why someone had vandalized the menorah the family had put out on their yard by twisting the metal pieces into the shape of a swastika.

The Ellis family had only built the 7-foot-tall menorah on the front lawn of their home in Chandler, Arizona, because their sons, ages 5, 7 and 9, had asked their parents if the family could decorate their home like the neighbors did for Christmas, the Washington Post reported. Read more.

The Ellis family had only built the 7-foot-tall menorah… because their sons, ages 5, 7 and 9, had asked their parents if the family could decorate their home like the neighbors did for Christmas. This is America in the 21st century.  Please reblog, even if you’re not Jewish.  Especially if you’re not Jewish.  Spread awareness and let your Jewish followers know that we’re not alone.

im dying i just looked up press f to pay respects bc i realized i didnt even know where it was from i just picked it up from everyone and it turns out its a fucking actual quick time event from some call of duty game. you have to literally press F to pay respects at a funeral fsdjfkljsdf i really just thought it was something from some MMO or something 

wjklfjdslkfsdklf

I’m glad people can re discover this

the special denial of ‘i thought this joke was pulled out of someones ass, i cannot process this is a real thing a professional was paid money to make’

Okay in my house we have a strange tradition. My mother builds this beautiful Christmas village.

It wraps all around our house through the rooms and under the trees and it’s wonderful.

Every year she hides the Christmas Vampire

This started when I was a very small got child and spread to all of my friends, including my best friend from elementary school who I just so happened to grow up and marry. Now that we have grown up and moved nearly 600 miles away we still always go home for a week at Christmas for multiple reasons, including the Christmas Vampire.

Needless to say we still partake and things have gotten heated.

Stay tuned for the epic conclusion and to see my husband and father in Lin-Manuel Miranda’s sooty costume when I find the Christmas Vampire First!

Happy Haunting!

Dad has no fricken clue how to trash talk and I don’t trust him in the slightest.

The saga continues. Mom hasnt finished the village yet and it’s starting to get to her….

Hahahaha, I mean I love this on multiple levels.  But what really threw it over the top was the mom’s anxiety over the world-building and city design being right.  I feel you vampire-hiding mom, I feel you.

after dying god informs you that hell is a myth, and “everyone sins, its ok”. instead the dead are sorted into six “houses of heaven” based on the sins they chose.

We arrived first at the House of Lust. “House” is a misleading term. It was more of a camp, spread over acres and acres of lush forest. There was a white sandy beach (nude, of course) full of copulating couples. There were little cabins sprinkled all along the path, from which orgasmic moans regularly came belting out. Men with six pack abs and women with perky breasts strolled by without even noticing me and God. They only had eyes for each other, tickling and pinching each other with flirtatious giggles.

“What do you think?” God asked as we passed a nineteen-way taking place in a pool of champagne. Little cherubs flitted overhead armed with mops and cleaning supplies, thankfully. “Lust is our most popular sin.” I eyed the supermodel-like figures of a couple passing nearby, and could easily see why. “You can look however you want. Hell, you can be whatever gender you want. No fetish is too taboo, and no desire can be denied here.”

It was quite tempting, but I wasn’t ready to make a permanent decision here. “Let’s see the others,” I told God.

We carried on to Greed. We passed rows and rows of mansions, each more opulent than the next. Some of them were so large that they would have had enough bed rooms to fit my entire hometown. And so many different styles: one second, we were in a beautiful French vineyard in front of a gorgeous chateau with the Alps in the background. The next second, a warm tropical beach with a modern mansion atop breathtaking cliffs. After that, a ski chalet in Colorado with a roaring fire in a hearth large enough to fit an ox. Each one had various Italian sports cars and Rolls Royces parked in front, with the occasional smattering of boats, helicopters, etc.

“Any material desire you ever wanted,” God explained. “Your own world, where you can have everything. You want the Hope Diamond? You can fly to Washington DC in your own solid gold helicopter and buy it from the Smithsonian. Hell, you can just buy the Smithsonian.”

Also tempting, but I decided to keep looking.

Gluttony was next up. Tables and tables of the very finest foods: beautiful steaks cooked medium rare; butter-poached lobster tail; fresh oysters on a half shell; exotic wines in dusty bottles that had been hiding in the cellars of the world’s finest restaurants. Everyone had a glass of champagne in hand and simply lounged on couches and chairs near the tables, eating endlessly. As soon as the inhabitants took a bite, the food just instantly came back. My mouth watered even watching them.

“In every other House, the food is practically sawdust compared to Gluttony,” God explained. “You haven’t truly experienced heaven until you’ve been to Gluttony.”

I shook my head, and we kept moving.

Sloth was as you’d expect. An endless sea of the softest mattresses, stacked with cushions and pillows that made the story of the princess and the pea seem minimalist. Little angels visited each resident, giving them massages that made them all melt into their blankets.

Wrath was… well, a lot like what I’d expect Hell to be like. Fire, brimstone, whips, torture.. you know, the works. Except here, you weren’t the one being tortured. Every enemy you’d ever made in your real life was now under your thumb. “Lots of people choose their fathers,” God explained. “Lots of grudges against parents in general, you know. But you’re not limited to that. Someone beat you out for a big promotion back on Earth? Take your pound of flesh here.”

Then we arrived at Envy. It looked… well, a lot like home.

“Go on in,” God said, gesturing toward the door. I turned the knob and walked in… and found Emily waiting inside. She ran forward, wrapped her arms around my neck, and planted a kiss right on my lips. “Welcome home, honey.”

I looked back toward God. “Oh, don’t be coy,” he said. “You have no secrets from me. We all know that you were in love with your best friend’s wife.” She didn’t seem to hear him at all; she went back into the hall. “We all know that you just settled for your own wife while secretly pining after her. Well, this is your chance to live happily ever after.”

I peered into the kitchen. Emily was baking something, wearing nothing but an apron. Her curly black hair fell softly over her shoulder as she whisked ingredients. She turned back, noticed I was observing her, and an enthusiastic smile spread across her face.

“It’s what you’ve always wanted, isn’t it?” God whispered in my ear.

I wanted to take it. God damn did I want to take it. But I shook my head.

God seemed puzzled. “You need to make a decision,” he told me.

“I haven’t seen Pride yet.”

He scoffed. “No one ever wants Pride, trust me.”

“Well, I want to see it.”

_________________________

Pride was boring. Just a row of workbenches in a bare white room.

“I don’t get it,” I told God.

“Yeah, no one does,” he answered. “That’s why no one ever chooses it. Doesn’t cavorting in Lust sound better than sitting here building little trinkets for the rest of eternity? Wouldn’t you rather gorge yourself in Gluttony? Or spend time with Emily in Envy?”

I considered the options again. “I pick Pride,” I finally told him.

He narrowed his eyes. “What? Look at it!” He gestured around the room again. There wasn’t much to look at. “Why would you choose this for the rest of time?”

“Because you don’t want me to pick it,” I told him. If he was really God, he’d know what a contrarian I can be. And I knew he was hiding something, trying to pretend like Pride didn’t exist. There was something special about it.

God scowled back. “Fine.” He led me over to one of the workbenches. In the center, there was a black space. A blank, empty void that went on forever. “Here’s your universe,” he said. “You’ve got seven days to get started.” He took his seat at the bench next to me and went back to tinkering in his own world. After a long pause, he finally spoke again: “You know, it might be nice for me to actually have some company for once.”

Disabled and neurodivergent D&D character ideas

You’ll have to ask your DM before you use some of these, as they have a few differences in how they play. I’ve tried to balance them out so there are equal disadvantages and benefits, and make them competent and able adventurers.

• wheelchair user or amputee: they should have the guild artisan background with a proficiency in tinker’s tools, so that they can make themselves a cool prosthetic or a souped-up wheelchair. You can decide specifically what you want the prosthetic or wheelchair’s capabilities to be (ex. Wheelchair user has a base speed of 20ft but a certain number of times per long rest it can turbo boost 75ft and they cannot move through difficult terrain without assistance, or using their boost. The user has disadvantage on dex saves but advantage against being knocked prone, and they cannot move when they use their action to make an attack with two hands until the next turn. A character with a prosthetic hand has disadvantage on dex checks using the hand but advantage on strength with it as well as one casting of burning hands with it per long rest. An unarmed strike using the hand causes 1d8 bludgeoning.)

•PTSD or other disorders that include triggers: when the character encounters their trigger, they must make a wisdom saving throw (set the DC based on how severe the trigger is) or be paralyzed for one round. They have advantage on all other saving throws against fear. During a long rest, roll a d20. On a 1, they suffer one level of exhaustion from nightmares.

•Bipolar disorder, or other disorders including mood swings: at the beginning of each day, roll a d20. On a low roll, the character is depressed for one day, and on a high roll, they are manic. On a 1, they suffer one level of exhaustion and take 1d10 psychic damage. On a 2, they take 1d8 psychic damage. On a 3, they take 1d6, and on a 4, they take 1d4. On a 20, they gain 1d10 temporary hit points and gain 2 rages, equivalent to those of a first level barbarian. On a 19, they gain 1d8, on an 18 they gain 1d6, and on a 17 they gain 1d4.

•depression: at the beginning of each day, roll a d20. On a 1, suffer one level of exhaustion and take 1d10 psychic damage. On a 2, take 1d8 psychic damage. On a 3, take 1d6, and on a 4, take 1d4. They have advantage against being frightened, charmed, or intimidated due to apathy. They have disadvantage on charisma checks and a -2 to initiative.

•autism spectrum disorders: a character with autism has disadvantage on charisma checks, but advantage on saves against being charmed, frightened, intimidated, or confused. They have a number of special interests equal to ½ their level (min 1, max 4). They have disadvantage on intelligence checks for knowledge about social ettiquette, societal structure, etc, but advantage on intelligence checks about their special interests. If a creature has a wisdom score of less than 11, that creature has a hard time understanding them when they try to convey complex ideas, due to their unique thought processes.

•Deaf/HoH: a character that is Deaf or Hard of Hearing can speak any languages granted to them by their race/class/background, but successfully understanding them requires a DC 5 wisdom save, or DC 10 if they are in a loud environment, due to the slightly garbled nature of their speech. They either have disadvantage on or automatically fail perception checks made to listen, depending on the severity of their hearing impairment, but have advantage on perception checks to spot. They are resistant to thunder damage, and are not affected by (or have advantage against, again depending on severity) spells that require the target to hear the caster. They have disadvantage on stealth because they cannot hear themselves. These effects are negated if they are sharing senses with a familiar that is sharing their space.

•Blindness: a blind character has 30 ft blindsight and advantage on perception checks to listen, due to their keen ears. Rather than having to see a creature to target them with a spell or attack, they must be able to hear them, as well as have line of sight if the attack travels in a straight line. They are immune to fear and intimidation effects if the cause is something that must be seen, such as a frightening monster or a fearsome display of strength. Their speed is reduced by 10 and they cannot move through difficult terrain. They have disadvantage on dex saves to dodge spell effects and their AC is lowered by 2 when they are suprised. These effects are negated if they are sharing senses with a familiar or similar that is sharing their space.

Schizophrenia/psychotic disorders: a character with psychotic symptoms has grown used to mental instability. They are resistant to psychic damage and immune to the effects of the spell Dissonant Whispers. They have advantage against fear effects but disadvantage on perception checks due to all the distractions in their minds. They have a -2 to passive perception.

Asthma: asthmatic characters have to make a DC 10 constitution save when dealing with effects like fog cloud, or with heavy amounts of dust, every time they begin their turn in the area. On a fail, they suffer a level of exhaustion. These characters have a keen sense of smell and can tell when they have entered a room or area containing undead, dead bodies, or some kind of sickness.

Amputee variant: by paying 1500 gp or a magic item of Very Rare or higher rarity to a skilled wizard, this amputee is granted a magical limb. It appears to be made of smoke, silver, or radiant light. As an action, if the limb is a hand, it can be detached and used similarly to casting Mage Hand. The character has disadvantage on athletics checks and strength saves using the limb, such as holding on to a ledge if it is a hand or arm, or making a jump if it is a foot or leg. They have advantage on dexterity checks and saving throws using the limb, such as sleight of hand if it is a hand or arm, or stealth if it is a foot or leg. It can become solid or spectral at will, granting the user the ability to reach through doors to unlock them from the inside or block an attack with it as a reaction, granting them a +2 to AC for one attack using nonmagical bludgeoning, slashing, or piercing damage.

AD/HD: when a character with attention deficit problems does a task that involves focus, make a DC10 wisdom save. On a success, they hyperfocus and gain their proficiency bonus on checks to complete the task. On a fail, they cannot focus and take a -2. Their wandering attention gives them a proficiency in perception, but saving throws to maintain concentration have a +2 to the DC.

Anxiety Disorders: characters with anxiety are vulnerable to psychic damage and have disadvantage against intimidation and being frightened. Hypervigilance grants them a base passive perception of 15 instead of 10.

Im really happy people are reblogging this, i want disabled characters to become as common as disabled people, and i hope everyone who would feel less alone reading and playing these to see them :)

So when I was little my mom bought these hangers that each look like a letter and they sit it on the mantle and hold your stockings. She got five of them spelling out SANTA. A few years ago I was putting them up and I realized that I could rearrange them to spell SATAN. My little sister absolutely hated that I did this and immediately switched it back to normal. Out of childhood big sisterly spite I changed it back when she went to sleep. When she woke up she put it back to normal and I decided to switch it back. This continued. Every morning she would make it spell SANTA and every night I would make it spell SATAN. All the way up to christmas. The next year I decided to do it again. And again. It became a tradition. We had a couple fights about it (nothing serious, just her being exasperated and me laughing my head off) but neither of us would back down no matter what our mom said. Last year however I was in an extreme depression and didn’t want anything to do with christmas. I slept through the decorating, sat on the couch while they made the tree, and never left the house. The entire month I didn’t change the SANTA hangers. One year later Im on new medication and feeling better so I went to change the hangers. And I saw they already spelled SATAN. When I asked my mom she said “your sister put that up, she saw how sad you were last year and how you couldn’t do it yourself so she wanted to make sure it was up this time and you were happy”

Right now the hangers read SANTA

update: she changed it back 

This adorable little robot is designed to make sure its photosynthesising passenger is well taken care of. It moves towards brighter light if it needs, or hides in the shade to keep cool. When in the light, it rotates to make sure the plant gets plenty of illumination. It even likes to play with humans.

Oh, and apparently, it gets antsy when it’s thirsty.

The robot is actually an art project called “Sharing Human Technology with Plants” by a roboticist named Sun Tianqi. It’s made from a modified version of a Vincross HEXA robot, and in his own words, its purpose is “to explore the relationship between living beings and robots.”

I don’t care if it’s silly. I want one.

me, titties out, playing skyrim on a dark and stormy night: hell yeah fuckin dragons n shit also just married a dark elf woman and built us a home to live in, thanks todd

me ten minutes later, after breaking 27 lockpicks on a single master lock: todd coward i am going to find you and make you pay for your crimes

Jemel Roberson, a real life hero, was murdered by police. For being black.

What command did he refuse? Why was deadly force needed? Why are police acting without any training?

the poet who did the cow poem also did this Nice Guy Poem, its great.

give this poet a pulitzer

I love this!