How does one write falling out of love convincingly?

Hello there, and thanks so much for your questions!! Since they’re so similar, I’ll be answering both in this post!

I love the concept of falling out of love, it can make for so much interesting intrigue among characters, and is something that I think is handled a lot less often.

Falling Out of Love

One partner can fall out of love with another for a myriad of reasons. Do they refuse to get a job? Do they continue to make really bad jokes, and your character can no longer stand to hear them? Any number of their partner’s actions can become a source of negative feelings, ranging from irritation to sheer rage. In this process of falling out of love, these negative aspects of their partner may seem amplified, and your character may find themselves unable to identify any of their redeeming qualities. Or, if they can, they may no longer feel those positive emotions once associated with them, despite potential attempts to. 

What drew your character to their current partner? To write their falling out of love, it is important to understand the beginnings of that love. What are the traits that they found attractive in each other that have now changed, or now seem less attractive in a different light? To reflect a previous point, any number of previously attractive attributes in the partner can turn sour. 

In You’ve Got Mail, in the midst of Meg Ryan and Tom Hank’s online love story, both characters are in romantic relationships during their romantic arc with each other. By the third act, both characters have ended said romantic relationships, leaving room for getting into a relationship with each other, but the real focus here is the two relationships that ended. It can be argued that neither character was really in love with their previous partners, but for the sake of this post, it provides a good example for the progression of how a relationship may end. 

First, Kathleen Kelly (Meg Ryan), and her boyfriend Greg. As stated in the film, ‘they’re perfect for each other.’ She owns a bookstore, he’s a writer, they look good together. They should fit. But over the course of the film, it becomes increasingly clear that they don’t share as many of the same views, and their feelings for each other may not be what they’re looking for. In one scene, Kathleen and Greg watch a recording of Greg’s interview on a talk show, to find him clearly flirting with the talk show host. It’s a humorous scene, one that isn’t played for a dramatic fallout of emotion and heartbreak – it’s moreso the early stages of both characters realizing that they may not want each other. 

Spoilers: All of this culminates in a movie theatre, with Kathleen admitting to Greg that she forgot to vote. To the audience, this is so important because we know that, to Greg, this is a travesty – Greg is a politically minded character, very focused on the happenings in the world, and his response to Kathleens’s admittance that she didn’t vote is “I forgive you.” This is the break in their relationship, the realization that they don’t have the same priorities, that they have become different people right before the other’s eyes, and only now are they realizing. 

On the other end, at the risk of this example becoming extraordinarily long: Joe Fox, and his girlfriend Patricia. They both work in the book business, and tend to lean towards the ruthless side of that business: more concerned with the bottom line than anything else. Patricia, in particular, is shown to be single-minded in this way. I would argue that even from the beginning of the film, Joe didn’t seem particularly happy with her, but over the course of the film, Joe finds himself changing his worldview, thanks to Kathleen Kelly, and Patricia’s seeming heartlessness in comparison is suddenly too much for him, and their relationship ends. 

Falling out of love can be a powerful emotional arc for your character, reflecting their own value systems and insecurities. In a relationship, there is always grounds for conflict, no matter how minimal – when falling out of love, that conflict can increase tenfold. 

Thank you so much for your question, and I hope this helped!! If there’s anything else, feel free to shoot us another ask. 

Happy writing!

- Mod Daenerys 

If you need advice on general writing or fanfiction, you should maybe ask us!