There is no cake here.

"2020 You garbage can do it"

Here's to 29, my heart is full, I am endlessly lucky, I am surrounding by so much love and care, and I love and care for the person I am more then the year before.

This quote my dad sent after I moved to Portland continues to resonate with me:

"Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favour all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamt would have come his way. I have learned a deep respect for one of Goethe's couplets:

'Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it.

Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it!'" - William Hutchison Murray

Hi, one year later and I'm still up to this shit. This is it, I've hit my peak.

Recently the reason I'm late to things is because I truly just had to take a good shit. I don't know what you want me to tell you, but this is the world I'm living in and you better be damn fucking sure I'm not gunna rush out to meet up for dinner and fuck this shit up. 🤙🏻

It smells cold and that makes me miss home a bit right now.

You can totally go to therapy and make your therapist cry with a quote your dad left in a card for you, like that's totally allowed and totally possible. Believe in yourself. Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk.

Crying in the bathtub about a stranger's dog. Guys I just cry a lot more now, I'm so full of emotions, good and bad, they just fill me up to my dang eyeballs.

Still doing the dang thing.

A year ago today I asked my dad to take me to ER (well...the clinic originally, but they couldn't do anything). I had gotten back from a leave from work a week before to take care of my mental health, and I still wasn't doing well, and still hadn't asked for help the way I needed to. We spent all night into the morning in the hallway of the hospital and did the only thing we know to do when we're scared, we relentlessly tried to make the staff laugh. That was a really important night for me, actually saying that I couldn't do this alone.

I have lived through and forgotten so many variations of my anxiety and depression. I think it's important to take note of the times in between when I have more clarity and I see the shitty times from a little distance. It's still super scary, and honestly it's still a lot of the same shit, but I'm trying to be better about recognizing the times outside of it when I'm actually myself y'know? And if I can keep figuring out who that is I can keep her around more. I ask for help a lot more, I try to be kind to myself when I recognize negative patterns. I cry a lot, but mostly about nature in Portland now. I am arguably a better version of myself from a year ago, and today I'm really grateful for that.

Wears eyeliner once - takes a dozen pictures and never tries to do that shit ever again.

Got out of my first therapy consultation out here (I've been putting it off), and the woman on the radio as soon as I get into my Lyft says, "I think therapy is so important and I encourage all my friends to get into it, take care of yourself!" Like...okay I hear you, I get it world.

Sometimes life takes people away, and sometimes it's the best people, the people we need a million more of, and maybe you were just a blip in each other's life but you'll remember. You won't remember all the time, but sometimes you'll remember how much they poured into you, and absolutely everything around them, and you'll become a little softer, and love bigger.

Anyone who jiggles a bathroom door handle without knocking first should go to jail.

I got to see so many old peers at this leadership conference over the past three days, and when anyone asked me how I was doing and if I liked portland I got to respond genuinely over and over that this is the happiest I've been in maybe 7 years.

The best part of Portland is this dog. Don't let anyone tell you different.

I'm not saying anyone should seek validation from anyone else - find the power inside you and all that jazz - but it's okay to realize you deserve better then someone's best.

Yesterday was big float day and boy did we float big.

Burned my leg and bein' a real big baby and bitching about it to anyone who will listen 🤙