Neptunes Bitch

I know her tumblr would be fire

One of my sister's friends posted something about her attic being creepy and it ended up getting 50k notes as everyone argued about why it was creepy, whether it was real, and if it was actually just perfectly reasonable.

Candace would have dozens of posts like that with her describing some crazy shenanigans of her brothers and a couple weirdly out of focus pics attached.

They'd blow up initially with people scoffing about how dumb it is but then someone pipes up with "oh yeah the rocket race around the world was crazy when they came through our town". And suddenly other people are adding their own photos or reblogs.

Sadly when Candice thinks she has proof and shows her mom, Tumblr's search function tells her they can't find any records of her own post.

His apps and own website dunking on him all day is hilarious lol.

all options include variations (motherfucker, bullshit, goddamn, asshole, son of a bitch, etc)

five hours in and I'm already loving the tags:

first off, fuck in a clear lead with excellent justification

the ones that made me laugh

the international point of view

bitch, followed by the most popular write-in thus far

bastard. excellent work everyone

note to self: do NOT double the chocolate chip cookie recipe. the mixer can’t handle it. I can’t handle it. my knees hurt. I’ve been rotating cookie sheets since I was born and I will be rotating cookie sheets until I die

help

hurr hurr I'm a human body hurr hurr I'm gonna solve all my problems using mucus

"i require more fluids" well what did you do with the fluids I already gave you. hmm? did you make more mucus with them? you made more mucus with them.

i love cheating if you don’t cheat what the hell is wrong with you

have you ever been cheated on?

i forgot some people are in relationships. to clarify i love to violate academic integrity on exams

I see some people in the notes thinking that this is the Death card, but it's not. It's much funnier. It's the Five of Cups, upright, which symbolizes like. Loss. Disappointment. Emotional Suffering. You thought you were going to get something and then you didn't. Even more hilarious than Fox News bringing in a tarot card reader for Trump in 2024 is that same tarot reader immediately flipping over a card that says LOSER.

vampires bite your neck because it's sexy but also so you don't see their faces when they're biting you and start laughing hysterically

person being bitten: *getting really into it, maybe even falling in love a little bit*

the vampire:

I love it when people use "shrimp" to mean "beyond the human range". like "shrimp colors" but applied to other things. "shrimp emotions" "shrimp sounds" "shrimp morality", as if shrimp are living some kind of transcendent existence that humans can never comprehend

I hate it when people are like “get out of your comfort zone” literally every single thing I do in my life feels like me getting out of my comfort zone

Get up in the morning? Uncomfortable. Go somewhere? Uncomfortable. Get a minuscule task done? Uncomfortable. Do anything but rot in bed? Uncomfortable. I am a girl who was made to be inert and nothing else

i think a 7 year old girl could kill any transphobe. imagine telling a 7 year old girl she's not as strong as the boys around her because she's a girl, she'd rip your organs out in less than a second. have you ever seen what happens when a teacher says "i need a strong boy to carry this thing"?? have you never seen a small child carry four times her body weight with a smile on her face just to spite someone???? i think kids should be allowed to kill tbh

So cool you dont even have to teach cats to use the litter theyre just born with a passion for peeing on sand

porn isn't evil or misogynistic you just grew up culturally christian and are scared of sex

like yeah it can be a brutal industry and i don't want to minimize the issue of people being filmed or sexualized against their will but like. dudes making sex tapes together isn't going to kill you. sex workers performing or offering full service because it's their job and they like having money isn't a social justice issue you need to get red-faced and give yourself a migraine about. all work and employment is exploitation, the porn industry isn't special, you're just uncomfortable with it because you haven't unpacked your prejudices toward sex workers.

i have a degree in film and pornography was part of the curriculum when i was in university. we studied porn as a legitimately recognized body genre and a medium of art and entertainment. it's just sex on film. like im a genre abolitionist in many ways but you can't claim that porn isn't a real genre of film and tv, you'd have an army of academics frothing at the mouth eager to explain to you exactly how and why you are wrong.

my degree course was taught primarily by gay men and lesbians btw. an older butch woman led the porn modules. i have terfs in the notes of some of my other posts claiming that porn is just a result of sex depraved pervert men and i just want to add that it doesn't matter who is making or consuming or talking about the porn. you are going to find people of all genders and sexualities and experiences or lack thereof who have their own relationship to pornography and tacking "but icky cishet men that just think about sex all the time!!!" onto your tags doesn't make your aversion to sex any more socially justified

also if you seriously think that someone filming themselves fucking is a form of misogyny you might be a bit stupid.

*raises a glass* to the queers without a new years kiss tonight

If you're a friend to gay people, don't call us "queer." It's a slur.

I’m so sorry, I meant me and my fellow fags without a new years kiss tonight 😩

to the faggots and dykes and fagdykes and dykefags in my phone <3