Can you hear silence?

I'm posting this here because I feel uncomfortable talking to anyone about this because I feel like it'll draw attention to it and that'll make me feel worse.

This last year in particular, I've become increasingly self conscious and extremely insecure about my face and turning 30.

In the last few years, I have taken care of myself so much. I'm the healthiest I have ever been but my skin is aging rapidly. It makes me really sad actually.

Every morning I hate looking at myself in the mirror or even seeing my reflection on my phone. Whenever people take pictures of me, I notice how awful I look.

I spend time looking at people's faces and my friend's faces who are people around my age or older and I get so sad seeing how wrinkly my face has become.

To the point where I've become obsessive about hating my face. When I first noticed, it was from a picture a friend took of me and I never knew my face was that bad. Ever since that day, every day I look at myself with different lighting and notice how ugly I am. It got so bad to the point where I would take "ugly" selfies of myself from different angles and different lighting throughout the day to see how bad my wrinkles are and they are pretty bad.

Then fast forward to the summer. I decided to start growing my hair out cause the thought of my parents and friends seeing me for the first time in 5-8 years or more and how old I have gotten horrified me. So although I don't like what I look like with my hair grown out, I'm doing it so that I don't leave the house hating my face and I'm also doing it to hide myself and my face. I honestly did it because I didn't want my parents to see or comment on how old I look now.

This feeling of "why is everyone else and my friends more beautiful than me." haunts me. I'm not writing this to get people to compliment. I'm writing this to process and name how sad I am to grow older and to turn 30.

This body dysmorphia has gotten so bad that I stopped going to Tokyo to see my skate friends because I don't want them to see my face. I also feel like it is the reason why I won't date because I don't find myself attractive. It's gotten to the point where I don't like hanging out with people during the day cause the natural lighting brings out the worst out of my face. It's gotten to the point where I have anxiety about facing a certain directions because I know what I will look like in that lighting.

Typing this makes me feel so sad. I don't want to hate my face and spend every day hating my wrinkles. Why do I have such deep wrinkles at this age. They are noticeable from a distance. I feel immense jealously for my friends who are posting things like "30 and no signs of wrinkles."

I feel like crying.

Today one of my mostly nonverbal kids and student who has a hard time communicating and usually ends up running away from everyone came up to me without saying a word. The fact that he even walked up to me before class started was huge to me.

I asked him how he was and he just looked at me blankly without saying anything. I gestured back "are you happy? hot? cold? hungry? good?" and he actually said back "hungry" to me.

It felt monumental that he actually said anything to me. The fact that he approached me instead of me approaching him.

Small moments like that are reasons why I love teaching to see those small steps. It really warms my heart.

There are lots of difficult kids at school but I want them to know that I believe in them.

Nothing makes me happier than when I compliment or affirm a student and they get all shy and smile back. It feels good to be affirmed so I want to return that. Especially to kids who have low confidence and kind of fade into the background amongst all the other kids with stronger personalities.

I don't remember the last time I was on here but I'm just here to dump my thoughts.

I have this habit of putting energy and giving my all to people who don't give back to me or care about me as much as I thought. I learned the hard way through old friendships and relationships.

I'm kind of over my phase of wanting to be liked by everyone of being that people pleaser, of wanting to be seen as the "nicest person." But the truth is, I don't owe anyone anything. I don't owe anyone any kind of explanation and I don't owe anyone my kindness if I don't feel like we are on the same wavelength. I'm done letting myself get hurt because I cared too much. I'm learning to set boundaries with myself and put up healthy barriers when I need. I'm learning to keep healthy distances with all my friendships with people and being okay with letting the closeness of friendships within circles grow closer or fade without losing the friendship if that makes sense. Essentially I'm doing what's best for my mental health and it feels so much more healthier for me to be cautious and intentional of who I give my attention and energy to. And to recognize red flags within myself and my unhealthy attachment style before it's too late and before it actually hurts. It's nice to finally feel at peace with all friendships in my life over here even if that means I'm not as close with some as I used to be and being okay with that. Even if that means giving myself space and removing myself from spaces that don't feel good to me.

I feel like I am in a generally good place in life with secure and relatively healthy friendships for the first time in my life. It feels so nice to have stress free friendships overall. Of course it's all imperfect but for the first time everything feels right.

I hate how I easily feel so negative the moment one thing bad happens. 

I really want to work on myself. 

Actually thank you skate teacher for telling me I’m bad at falling. 

I really need to kill my ego sometimes. 

I can’t let this one thing put me down. I need to use it as motivation. Cause essentially he is looking after me. 

Today was just a weird and anxiety filled day. 

I had really bad allergies all afternoon, so I was LITERALLY blowing my nose every second of the afternoon that I used one full tissue box. 

I got a message from an old toxic friend that I’m trying to get over...she messaged me saying she had a birthday gift to give me from essentially last year and I feel happy that she acknowledged me for once after basically ghosting me on social media but I also feel sad about her intentions or what this means. Will it be the last time I see her before I move out of here? Will she even want me in her life? I feel weird tension and my heart feels very uneasy. How much is it that I’m making up these intrusive thoughts and how much is the vibe real. 

I tried really hard to land a trick I used to have down without assistance from my teacher, and I ended up rolling my ankle and injuring myself. I hope it won’t be too bad because I have a snowboarding trip this Saturday with a friend. 

My skate teacher told me in general I’m not good at falling. I’m already dealing with so much fear after injuring myself and just overall not being good at sports or skating in general. I mean I’m glad he told me straight up that I suck at falling because it is a good skill to have if I want to skate for a long time, but it still sucks to hear. But I think I needed that to humble me a bit. I just feel like I lost confidence especially cause I’m highly motivated but now I’m injured. Idk. I suck at skating.

My emotions are all over the place. So up and down. 

Yeah it hurts a lot. It pains me to see the friends who basically abandon me hang out with my group of friends that I introduced them to. 

But I also need to move past and grow up. And to stop worrying about something I cannot change. 

I keep telling myself this over and over, chanting to myself until I have calmed down. 

They are allowed to hang out with them. 

They are allowed to hang out with them. 

They are allowed to hang out with them. 

Be happy for people. Don’t hold grudges. 

I have one coworker I don’t particularly like working with but I have learned to never let it affect me personally. I feel like she doesn’t really have passion for teaching and always creates a weird aura for the class. Like the energy always feels off. 

Anyways, we had a lot planned for class. So we decided to do an hour class instead of 45 minutes. I decided to let the teacher lead one part of the activity, but it took double the time it should have. The way she facilitated it was really inefficient and we barely had time to finish. 

When class ended, she told me there wasn’t enough time for the lesson as though it was my fault.  And in my head I was like no this could have easily been done in 45 minutes. You just explained the activity and ran it the wrong way from when we had a meeting about it. 

I taught the same lesson for a different 4th grade class, and we only had 45 minutes and this time I basically taught the class by myself. And boom, we managed to finish all of the activity with leeway room.  The homeroom teacher for that class was actually impressed by my time management skills. I think I am very intense and bossy when it comes as a teacher but that's the only way to keep the kids going and to move quickly when they need to be. 

I don’t know. I feel proud of myself knowing that I am confident in my abilities to direct and facilitate class in a time efficient way and problem solve on the spot. Confidence in front of the students is so important. I don’t think I would have been able to do what I did today if this were my first year where I was unconfident and didn’t know how to take control of class. 

One of the special needs kids who was absent didn’t have a partner for the thank you card activity so I paired up with her. Something about sitting at a desk looking at the chalkboard, and being at the same level as the kids felt very humbling. I also felt like it brought me closer to my student. 

Standing while teaching vs. sitting while teaching really is a different experience. And sitting and being a “student” for an activity is really refreshing. I also really enjoyed coloring after a long time. 

When I broke my leg and had to teach while sitting, what I loved most was teaching while sitting. Bringing myself down to my students level felt really intimate in ways I couldn’t explain. There is a power dynamic when you are standing and the students are sitting. And I really loved that. I think we should normalize teaching while sitting down. 

One of my 6th grade special needs students started crying his eyes out in the middle of class. I had never seen him that way. When I went up to see what was wrong, he said he was unconfident in his ability to give this speech in English. He always does so well with his English speeches, and usually on the better end than most of his classmates so it crushed me to see him like that. 

I tried comforting him with the other teacher and helped him out. I wonder what’s going on recently. I heard that he hasn’t been able to come into class and has been studying separately so I think that’s also had an impact on how he feels being in class with everyone for English. 

I think he has some kind of anxiety. And I really felt him, because I was exactly like him as a kid, and I still am like that as an adult. I kind of wish mental health was talked about more open. It would be nice to be like “hey I feel you. I have anxiety too. I also cry when I feel like I am incapable and am dealing with intrusive thoughts” and instead all I can do is affirm him. I wish I did more for him. I made sure to tell him that he always does an amazing job on his speeches and to never forget that or lose confidence. 

The hardest part about being a teacher is giving attention to students who really need it when you need to teach the whole class. And figure out how to deal with students when one is crying, another two are fighting, and another handful or fooling around. 

Parents observation day went really well. I still remember 5 years ago when I did my first class where parents came to watch and I was a nervous wreck, but this time. I was very calm. I didn’t feel any ounce of anxiety in me which felt great. The kids on the other hand were a nervous wreck. 

I showed up to their classroom 15 minutes early and many of them were rehearsing their speeches. I told them if they didn’t know how to say something to come check with me. 

Three students were desperate to practice with me! They wanted to show me how perfect they had practiced and I was in awe too! It was also sweet to see that they wanted to practice with me specifically. 

One kid Tsukasa is a very shy boy. I don’t know if he has a stuttering issue or anxiety or both, but he has a hard time communicating verbally when he is nervous. He came up to me and he never does, at least not from his end. It’s usually me checking in on him. And this time he was one of the first kids in line when I showed up. I asked him if he wanted to confirm some English word with him, trying to ask yes or no questions to figure out what he wanted to do, and eventually I got the answer that he wanted to practice with me. Honestly, I was in so much awe. He was stumbling over his words but he said everything perfectly and I was sooo proud of him. I was baffled actually. I even told the other teachers and homeroom teachers how I was amazed that he had the courage and bravery to come talk to me. I actually bumped up his speaking grade because I was just so taken back. I love the feeling of being proud of someone. 

Anyways the kids did their speeches, and they were so nervous they froze up, BUT besides the lack of gestures, they did an incredibly job and almost all of the pairs used words and expressions I told them they could incorporate but that it wasn’t required. They were speaking so smoothly and fluently and I was just amazed! 

It sucks caring about people who were the most important people in your life knowing that you aren’t on their top priority or mind anymore. When you feel physically ill just seeing them on social media but you’re addicted to letting them take over your thoughts. It’s been so hard to let go. I don’t deserve this. I didn’t deserve this. I gave them happiness and they basically stole it from me. I gave you all everything you ever wanted and what did I get back? Nothing.

I honestly feel like if I never reach out to them, they’ll never ever reach out to me again. If I’m spending all this time questioning my worth in the context of this “friendship” then clearly I do not have a space in them for me. It’s really sad knowing the people who were family to you just a year ago are becoming more and more like strangers. I’ve been trying so hard to survive and to maintain this in civil form.

I’m so stressed out. 

I can only think about failing my dance test. 

If I don’t pass, I don’t get to perform in the event. There’s only about less than a month left...

Time is ticking and many sleepless nights worrying myself about this test.

Looking at the rainbow after class with my students. 

Me and one of the girls spent like 5 minutes talking about the rainbow. She was so mesmerized and curious. 

I loved that moment. It was so simple but so happy.

Another moment at work where I realized that I shouldn’t blame myself for something that doesn’t go well. 

In one of my 6th grade classes, I have a very difficult student I work with. I don’t know what his condition is, but he is very picky and particular about things, has a hard time with eye contact and always makes excuses for his behavior/actions even if he’s wrong. I know his classmates have a hard time engaging with me and I know he also tries to avoid me at all costs, so I’ve always thought he has just disliked me so I have kept my distance. 

There were an odd amount of students in class, so the homeroom teacher made me pair up with him for a conversation. He was facing the other direction the whole time, and refused to have a conversation with me or even finish and he was holding the whole class behind. I’m used to him being this way but this time Internally, I felt frustrated, that he refused to even attempt, or give me eye contact and I left that class feeling a little defeated and frustrated that he wanted nothing to do with me. He was very capable of having a conversation, and said everything very smoothly though.

On my way home, I was walking to my car, and his special needs homeroom teacher came up to me saying “Maya-sensei! I’m so sorry about what happened in class” and I said “It’s okay, I’m used to it. He did his best and he did well.” and she said he came back into the special needs class being concerned and worried about his English not being good enough for me to understand. He simply lacked confidence. 

In that moment, I felt relieved to hear that and it reminded me that his behavior and action had less to do with me, and more to do with his own struggle. It is really hard to be a teacher who is encouraging when someone does everything they can do avoid you. Having a big heart and being the empathetic one is always a lesson I learn while teaching. 

I had a moment at work the other day where I felt a moment of growth. 

My first year teaching, I was very sensitive and took everything personally. If a kid acted up, or if a class was rowdy and uncontrollable, I always blamed it on myself for class not going well. 

Yesterday, I taught the infamous 4th graders at my school who have been known to be the class filled with about 5 troublesome kids. I think most of them have ADD/ADHD of some sort but are undiagnosed. 

We were doing a listening comprehension test where they had to mark if I was saying the singular or plural form of a word. Of course, the rowdy boys were being talkative during the test, blurting out the answers, and talking over me. They are always like that but I kept going on. 

By the next activity, I noticed one of the boys was visibly upset. He had his head down and he was crying. My team teacher went up and asked what happened, and he said he heard pineapple instead of pineapples and said I was lying. Which isn’t true, because everyone else in the class got the answer right and if I had messed up, someone would have said something. I figured he probably heard it that way because his other classmates were being disruptive during the test.

When I collected the test, the kid wrote “Maya-sensei you are the biggest liar ever.” I saw the comment and I wasn’t even upset. Instead I tried to think about why he might have took out his anger on me. 

Anyways I felt a moment of growth because I know for a fact if I saw a comment like that directed towards me my first year, I would have been in the staff room crying. But not this time. I wasn’t even bothered by it. 

I’ve been working on not taking external factors personally. A lot of times when people take out their anger on you, it’s because of something they are dealing with personally or some other factor and less to do with you.

The teacher life is dealing with situations like this. 

Sometimes I have those days where I feel like I have no purpose even at work. 

But today was one of those days where I had a really special moment and felt like I made a small impact. 

I have a student who stopped coming to school part way through the year. I don’t know what is going on at home but she has some kind of severe social anxiety. She cannot be around anyone, and stopped communicating in even Japanese. She completely freezes up around other people. 

Recently she started coming back to school, but isn’t able to be in the classroom with other kids so she is placed in a small empty meeting room. 

After lunch ended, the vice principal asked me if I wanted a yogurt drink and I said sure? Why? And he said Seira didn’t want the yogurt drink so to give it to me. So I asked if I could talk to her personally and say thank you. I walked over to the small room and told her thanks for the drink and asked her for a high five and she gave me one with a big smile. 

She’s part of the International club that I run but also stopped coming in. The vice principal really wanted her to participate and I wanted to do something for her. Club started and she was no where to be found. The vice principal said she probably won’t come unless she is invited. Eventually she had her chair by the door outside of the classroom but refused to come in. 

I gently asked her if she wanted to play a card game with me. Surprisingly she said yes. And behold! She was even talking!! Which is miraculous. And she was smiling the whole time. I haven’t seen her smile like that in a long time. We were playing go fish. A game kids here are unfamiliar with. She enjoyed it so much that we played two rounds. 

After school ended, the vice principal came up to me to thank me for doing that for her. He said it was huge to see her be in the classroom, interact with me/participate in an activity -- Something she was unable to do for a long time.

I feel so happy for her. Seriously her smile made my day and I hope I could ease some of that anxiety. I really feel for her because I am similar to her in so many ways. 

Sometimes this is what teaching looks like. Not just teaching but building a relationship with kids. Being there for them when things are hard. When they are having a breakdown. Moments like this are worthwhile and remind me why I love teaching.  

I miss having friends in person who care about my well-being and want me to be around them. 

I miss coming home from a day feeling good. 

I hope one day I can make friends worthwhile keeping.