mike: oops i have $3.50, looks like i can’t buy el anything :/

max: hey el i’m gonna buy you a new wardrobe with a bunch of outfits from gap and then i’m gonna pay for us to have a photoshoot. you want ice cream? of course i’ll buy you ice cream. do you want me to buy you anything else-

i need yall to understand that max is poor and max and el almost certainly stole every single thing they got from the mall

yea and mike couldnt even do that

Shoutout to Ed for identifying as agnostic after God ripped two of his limbs off

a total power move

when your legs don’t work like they used to before

I might not be the coolest, smartest or prettiest but for sure I’m the sleepiest.

why tf do I get so emotional at night. who is this night bitch?? she needs to go to sleep.

notice how “girls mature faster” is never stated as a reason why girls should be given more positions of power and authority? It only works to hold girls to greater accountability than boys and to justify men’s attraction to them.

i just sent a semi-blurry picture of me grasping an eel and this guy was like “oh your thumb is 1.8” so that eel must be 8 inches"

so i went and measured my thumb and yeah it’s 1.8 inches long

what the fuck

i’m sorry but this is the funniest fucking reply i’ve ever gotten on one of my posts

hot take: shows like brooklyn nine-nine and superstore are popular among millenials bc they are produced and written like a disney sitcom from 2004-2012 but for adults

Cassie Lang appreciation post.

Back at my old college there was a student lounge place I affectionately had dubbed “the weirdo lounge” because all the weirdos congregated there. You know those nerds who sit there and all they do is talk about anime, like those reddit pages, wear fedoras and shit? That kinda weirdos. So anyway the tragedy is that the Weirdo Lounge had THE BEST one person couch. It had a little laptop table attached and it was so damn comfy. Plus, it was always somewhat dark in there because of how the windows was positioned. So I’d go there to nap during my break periods. So one day I was napping when someone threw an empty plastic bottle at me and I snapped awake. A white nerdy girl from a few couches down said “I’m so sorry that was intended for my puppy to fetch!” and I’m like “DOGS?!” and I snap awake, that’s when I looked towards my foot and saw a whiteman. Sitting there. Like a dog. With his tongue out. and then he fucking barked. I was so infuriated but I handed him the bottle and he put that shit on the floor and then picked it up with his mouth. And then on all fours, ran over to the white girl and dropped it in her lap. I was so fucking upset.

This whole post is gold, but for me the best part is “whiteman” being all one word.

me showing you my romantic side: I wanna go grocery shopping with you

Me: I’m going to be SO productive today

Also me: *dissociates for five hours*

Am I the only one who really wants Holt and Kevin to have a daughter? 

And by that I don’t mean I want him and Kevin to adopt. 

I mean I want it to be an average day at the precinct when Holt walks out of his office with a young woman. They shake hands, bid goodbye and Jake walks over to ask who she is. 

“Who’s that? Someone from city hall?”

And Holt just casually replies. “No that’s my daughter.” 

And everyone in the bullpen just stops, stunned. Because he’s never mentioned it before, ever, even in passing. 

“You have a daughter?” 

“Yes, her name is Claire, she is 24 years of age and studying at Jon Hopkins.” 

Everyone turns to look at Amy who’s frantically flipping through six, thick binders, freaking out because she has not even a footnote on Claire’s existence!

Charles: Amy, how do you not know this?  Doesn’t the captain have photos of his daughter?

Jake: Yeah, I thought you investigated everyone that’s breathed the same air as the captain in an effort to bond with him. 

Amy: I thought she was his notary! 

*cut away*

Holt: Here is your certificate confirming you completed volume one of my mentorship program. 

Amy: Thank you Captain!  So official, it’s even notarized!

Holt: Yes.  Here is a photograph of the notary, Claire. 

Amy: Oh, I saw her in a photo with you and Kevin, I was wondering what your relationship was.  Did she notarize your marriage certificate?

Holt: *looks at watch* Given that it is 30 seconds after official work hours I will permit this single personal question.  Yes she did. 

*cut back*

Jake: You didn’t think it was weird he had a photo of his notary on his phone?  Wait, no.  That’s the sort of thing I wouldn’t have questioned either.