June 30th, 12:32

I feel safe and afraid at the same time and surprisingly enough, I still don't know what to really feel.

june 15th, 10:43pm

Alright, so boom. I've been on this self awareness kick...as of about 11am today. I don't know why today of all days I'm super reflective, probably because I'm anxious to make my next big "move." This weekend really put things into perspective for me. From the different conversations with new faces to a new atmosphere, I feel more confident than ever right now. I feel refreshed. I've been going to my friends for advice...or more so telling my friends what I'm ready to and what I'm ready for so it's really just on me to put things into motion. Anyways back to what I was getting at, I've realized one thing... I come off as very carefree from the outside looking in. Now, this seemingly would be a good thing if I was actually this carefree being who can just fralala down the yellow brick road to happiness. It's not that easy for me.. I overthink everything, I add more stress to my life than I really need to and I've noticed I can be (really) negative when I feel like I'm drowning or I don't know my purpose. That negativity can put a damper on a lot of things and cause more problems in the long run. And while, I don't think it's a bad thing to constantly think about what the future holds for me, I do think it's a bad thing to let it get in the way of my happiness of today. I've been feeling a lot less stress as of late and I'm not sure if it's because I finally convinced myself that things will turn out okay or if I'm kind of just ignoring those concerns to the side. I think I just started to believe in myself a helluva lot more. Whatever it is, I like it. I like it a lot.

June 6th, 1:09am

These past few weeks have been so reflective in so many different ways that I had to step back a little and regroup. I feel like I'm in a much better place now, mentally, physically and emotionally. I'm not 100% but I feel like I can breathe a lot easier now. Also, I feel like an angel is watching over me. It's such a relief to know that someone is checking in to make sure you're still breathing.

May 20th, 7:40

I have so many emotions, hurt and anger to name a couple, running through me. I've gone through this situation about 100 times and every time I'm realizing something different. I wish I could just stop thinking about it and focus on something but the minute I start to think of something else, I'm reminded of it. This is frustrating. I'm frustrated. And I don't ever really know what to do when I'm frustrated. How can I be so fucking stupid? I'm mad at myself.

May 3rd, 12:25am

I feel like I've reached that point in my relationship where I won't push myself over the deep end. It's like this constant need to protect myself from anything bad that can possibly happen and I've feel like it manifested into a stagnant point in my relationship. I won't let myself feel anymore vulnerable. I want to let myself get past that but there's this constant fear looming over my head that reads "well, what if he doesn't catch me?"

April 24th, 8:35 LEMONADE

I finished watching Lemonade not too long ago and I cried throughout the whole thing. I'm still processing how I'm feeling about the whole thing and why I'm feeling the way I feel but I'll just say this... The representation in this documentary is so important. The different shades of black, the different sizes, the different ages, it was so important. I don't even really know how to express how powerful that was. To show that black is beautiful. That black love is beautiful and it's not exclusive to man/woman nor is it exclusive to both partners being black. Black is beautiful. You are beautiful. We are beautiful. Too often we are told that our skin, my hair, our "personalities" are ugly. We need these kind of pieces to remind us that we are strong, that we are beautiful, that we are resilient. The older I get, the more I realize how important it is to reinforce that I am beautiful, to reinforce that valued, to reinforce that I matter. These are affirmations that I have to constantly remind myself because regardless how strong I am, there are times I have remind myself because it's so easy to lose sight of that. Damn.

April 20th, 4:02am

It's like a constant battle with logic and emotion with me. It's frustrating beyond belief.

March 31st, 12:03am rblings

I've been writing a lot more lately. Not on here, obviously but it's definitely helped me relaxed a bit. I don't really have a reason as to why I haven't published it here... Probably because it's just a bunch of uninterrupted rambling. I guess I can do that here too but they don't always feel as...uncensored? Idk. This post was kind of pointless. I'm wide awake but I really should be asleep. I have been in such a pensive mood all week. I feel like my mind is elsewhere thinking all these different concepts that I have yet to understand and experience. It's a lot of theoretics really so since there's not really a right or wrong way to go about it, I've been playing different scenarios in my head. Ok. The concept is love. I've been thinking about how we view love, our experiences in love (platonic, familial and romantic) shape how we express love, how we want to receive love and what we think of love is defined as. I'll leave that there and save this for another post. I've been on a self wellness and self awareness kick so love, self and other types, has been something I've been thinking about a lot lately.