human: *is heating up food*

alien: why are you doing that?

human: you see i want the particles in my food to vibrate at just the right frequency

Human: *is eating ice cream*

alien: wait you forgot to make that one vibrate!

human: well, you see, not with this food

This one is already vibrating at he desired frequency, but if it starts to vibrate at a higher frequency I lock it back in the cold box.

Human: *just reheated pizza in the oven*

Other human: *is eating a slice of the same pizza, but cold*

Alien: *exasperated sputtering*

Human: shots! shots! shots!

Alien: this liquid has negligible nutritional value and, furthermore, contains some molecules that I believe are poisonous to your species.

Human: …look, sometimes we just like to gather in social groups and disorient ourselves

Human: *grabs a packet of ramen*

Alien: Based on my research of your species, you shouldn’t be able to consume that without suffering heavy detriment to your human body.

Human: …look man, I’m in college. I can barely afford this house with roommates. Let me appreciate this 50 cent block of sodium ridden noodles.

Alien 1: The human consumed this harmful “ramen” because it is affordable. I saw many others consuming unhealthy but affordable foodstuffs from a place called McDonalds. Based on this, I think we can reasonably assume that all foodstuffs that are unhealthy are also affordable, and that humans will slowly die off because of their economic system.

Alien 2: I visited a different land mass. There were several humans called “sushi chefs” preparing raw fish foodstuffs. The most expensive was made from the carcass of a poisonous blowfish. It was very popular among the wealthy humans.

Alien 3: The land I visited had no nearby places to engage in commerce to trade precooked food. I interviewed a family that trapped and killed animals for dinner. They ate venomous rattlesnakes.

Alien 1: *throws clipboard in the air and storms off*

[Human casually munches peppers]

Alien: According to my scans, that organic matter contains highly corrosive chemicals. Are you sure you should be consuming it?

[Human chokes]

Alien: Human! Are you injured? Do you require assistance??

Human: Ahahaha no no I’m fine, it’s just *snicker* these are just jalapenos!

Alien: ……….request clarification?

Human: I usually go for habaneros, man. Hell, I have a buddy who took two bites of a ghost pepper on a dare.

[Alien consults space Google]

Human: ………Hey man, you okay?

@doebt jejsjsijsis uS

JjJJJjjjsksjhhdhjdjjfjUS us!!!us

a bad person? who, me? that would be correct,

last night i dreamt that the republicans were against the long piece in tetris because they said it was a handout

The best parts of Grease (1978)

I will leave the catastrophe blank for you to fill, and instead tell you that it will get better, in a while, and you will be well again, though you can’t see it now, and you will travel again and eat again and your muscles will grow stronger, again. You will run and laugh and sing and one day you will meet someone who makes your heart beat with no pattern again, and you might try to hide or protect yourself, or compare the different states of love, but you must not grow up, must not act wise when it comes to love. You must stay foolish and fall for every heart will beat in different ways together with yours and love is not meant to be compared, only enjoyed, and suffered, and remembered.

So you will meet many ‘someones’ who will give a new definition to your name. And you can not build walls, must not close the door, and please don’t hide, because if you ask me about hurt and love I will say love. Love because the hurt will come and go no matter what, but only love makes it worth while. Only love can cure it. Don’t be scared. Go. Love.

|| from You’re Doing Just Fine by Charlotte Eriksson

Centralia, Pennsylvania is on my bucket list of places to visit!

It’s only a few hours away from me. I kept meaning to go for years but I’ve never done more than sort of drive by the vicinity on the way to the amusement park.

PSA

If you need a ride to go somewhere or you’ve just had one too many to drink and can’t drive, download Uber on your phone right now, and use the code: UBER20TUMBLR for a FREE ride credit for when you can’t drive.

Or just use this link to sign up for your free ride credit: https://www.uber.com/invite/UBER20TUMBLR

You can also use Lyft. Use the code TUMBLRLYFT or just use this link to sign up for your free ride: https://www.lyft.com/invited/TUMBLRLYFT

Reblog to lower the amount of drunk drivers! 

prefer lyft but in a jam this could work

HOLY SHIT THIS IS LEGIT, THANKS WHOEVER POSTED IT