I remember what you did to me ...I remember everyday, everything..Yet pretend with a pretty smile as if nothing is wrong. But deep down it's killing me, deep down I'm hurting because I feel used..I feel dead inside. I'm a constant reminder that I'm just a simple toy to show around to many...A toy to be show case proudly as if I'm rare, when I'm not really. But instead while you do as you please behind my back, I'm filled with sorrow, hurt, hate, and anger bc I feel as if I wasn't good enough as it is for anyone. Many will say pleasent words of affirmation to my face, but deep down it's all a lie to me like usual. After all you taught me this from the start of it all, right? You taught me, that people like me didn't deserve the true value of love. That we just deserve to be treated as if we were nothing..You said you loved me..But in reality you didn't love me..just the idea of using me just like everyone else you chose to. It was a wicked game to get the pleasure you so desire..I hate you...I deeply, deeply..hate you..like most people I don't believe many peoples' words much because of years of abuse your poured into me. After all..your love version was to use me while fucking around..

Good lord it's been a long, and I mean long while. Looking back on some stuff I was really umm..angry and depresso bean. I mean...I still kinda am, but on meds now, moved far away, and umm yeah life has changed so much. Lemme tell ya when they say when you get older shit changes. #whenlifegiveslemons #beenaminute #somelifechanges #maybeacomeback

Who else's kid doesn't know the meaning of go to sleep........ugh this kid of mine doesnt want to go back to bed and im so tired..

I can never get peace with his mother around...like no joke. Her big mouth, and constant whining is so annoying! And what's worse she acts like a kid if she doesn't get her way. It's her way or the high way. Ugh so annoying to the T!

So this is me while preggo. It's been a while since I uploaded anything to this account.

Just wanna disappear right now...Surely no one would care....I'm a fuck up point blank, a nobody who has no place...

Never good enough?

You know what sucks so bad? When you always put yourself down deeply....I always do it to myself, and it just so draining. I just wish my memories were erased on certain events, then maybe just maybe I wouldn't feel like shit 99.9% of the time. I hate how someone you literally left behind for the best some how can still cause you deep pain. Thanks to one person I always feel useless or unwanted..Or better yet I never belong somewhere even when I have a small family forming. At times or mostly I feel my lovely husband deserves more, and doesn't deserve me because how messed up I am too deep. Yes, I'm carrying his child, but deep down I just feel he deserves way more. What if I get worse, or can't be a decent mother then what good am I? I hardly ask for stuff bc I always feel so bad. And sex even though I do crave and enjoy it.....I can never be quite comfortable with myself enough. I literally put myself down of oh he probably doing it to make me happy, or I'm not good enough at this so I know he's faking it...Or biggest one maybe a guy or another female will do it better to please him so maybe let him be happy...I'm used to being put aside or put down...Even though I know he wouldn't dare do it...But in my head it's always those thoughts..And it hurts.

Birthday??...Yeah no.

So today is my big 26 day... Honestly I wish it was over with already, and be the 12th. My birthday's just aren't the same and won't be no more ever since someone dear to me passed away five years ago going on six. I mean plus I can't do much nor eat as I please now due to gallstones from pregnancy. *sighs* Lovely way to start a new year really...Plus I'm away from friends and family which sucks big time! Hubby gotta work and we don't have the money to really do much for my birthday so why bother right? :/ Maybe it's my depression talking...

I swear either no privacy or fears anymore...Either we get treated like kids with no privacy so their goes our sex life for the next oh idk years....And constant anixety and so forth so it makes me feel like crud 99.9% of the time....Can I just disappear for good maybe?....:/