I woke up at 4am stressed out of my mind about nothing. I feel like someone died today. 

Since my cousin ended their life so suddenly a couple years back, I cant stop looking for patterns. Searching for sensations deep inside of me to reaffirm that the world is in the right state, trusting my gut before my own damn brain. Sometimes its easier to look up at the stars and try to draw human conclusions from their heavenly transits. 

I know my north node is trying to drag me toward believing more and more and more but my hyper critical brain hates the idea of trust/faith/belief more than anything else. I was too naïve in my youth and ended up in too many precarious situations based on the trust I had for others rather than myself. I’m learning to turn that lens inwards but it’s exhausting to deal with the woowoo crazy auntie that lives in my brain and desperately needs to know why they have this bitter gut sensation.

So, who or what died?!

I had a dream a little crab needed my help getting back into the ocean. It struck a strange lonely chord in my head.

I’m married and quarantined and there’s nothing new to add! I’m a glorious, beautiful and stimulating crab who just can’t wait to get back to the water and all their little crab friends.

Unfortunately there’s no big human to carry me to the waters edge today so we just have to bury ourselves in the sand a little longer and I’m sure the tide will come in soon.

Going out on top

I think I have to get off of this platform again. It’s hard for me to keep it healthy for me. There’s forms of intimacy that I’m avoiding through having a “private corner” on the internet.

I’ve definitely missed out on intimacy with myself by posting my raw/unedited thoughts on here and moreso by pretending as if they are truly unedited and not carefully crafted over the course of hours. I came here for an outlet for my authentic self instead of trying to integrate her into my own life and it’s not fair to pretend like she’s separate from me anymore.

It’s also easy to trick myself into feeling like I’m putting effort into friendships through this platform. I like your post, you like mine, and now we feel less alone, right? Except when it comes to seeing friends face to face... I’m lucky if I do that once every six months or so. Filling out my wedding guest list has been depressing af, I don’t know who actually cares and who just pays some service to like my posts so they don’t have to look at them.

Then there’s the anons in my inbox. I honestly forgot it was different than messages and never checked since I switched to mobile. There’s a pile of “we love and miss you” that do more to creep me out than feel less alone. I’m sorry if it’s just a couple kind friends checking in but after being stalked by exes enough times, I just feel queasy looking at that lil grey face.

I’m terrible at talking but I’m getting better. Letters are my favorite form of communication rn because they don’t have notifications. I’m so exhausted by this 24 hour society nonsense. I’d never work an on-call position so why does it feel like I’m being bossed around by my phone???

If anyone wants a penpal, just send your address. I’ll probably handmake every card and envelope and pour as much time into one of these crummy posts but I’ll be happier because it’s tangible. I love a lot of the people I’ve met through this platform but these newfangled methods of communication are getting more and more jarring and confusing.