The Joy of Running Out

Let’s pick up like old friends…

I’m not sure these days how many people read blogs, so I’ll write for myself and let you read. 😉

My art and materials have changed since we last spoke. I’ve shifted to coloring my own drawings, and messy collage work in my art journals. The imagery and details have deeper meaning — I referenced one in my last therapy appointment to the delight of my therapist.

When I started creating art, it was a struggle to translate my emotions from words — which was my primary way of expressing myself — to images. When you pick up art later in life, after college, there’s a learning curve. Composition. Color. Line. Medium. Substrate. I feel my early days was me throwing whatever made me smile at the page and seeing what stuck. Then manipulated to try and tell a narrative.

I rarely use paint, unless it’s in the form of a marker. I collage with a glue stick. Whatever I use most is within reach of my giant chair in the living room, where I do 80% of my art. And for a girl who rejected many coloring books because the tiny details made my hands ache…it appears that doesn’t apply when I am the one doing the drawing!

What’s different is me.

While we all long for the inspiration that propels us to create every day, I often struggled doing so. I was ill and exhausted and wished I could do more, create and experiment, like my friends. I did my best, said, “Good enough,” a lot.

I’m living in a new state — my third! — in my own comfortable apartment filled to the rafters with art supplies. I encourage you to find a closet or cabinet that holds anything else (ok the kitchen is just the bulbs for my studio lights, but it’s the safest space). You won’t find one. There’s less stress and more self-care. I work a wonderful day job I love, but also continue to struggle with mental and physical health issues.

I say this because, about a year ago, something amazing happened: I started working at least 2 hours a day on art. It started with coloring the work of other artists, then drawing florals, collage, and now I live in the world of mandalas and the mix of supplies that continue to inspire me.

(I’m actually taking a break from my current one; I’m in hour 7.)

As you can figure by the tumbleweeds gathered in the corners of this blog, I didn’t share much on social media. I don’t spend nearly as much time on my phone, and when I post, I’m in the frame of mind that I’m sharing with my friends. There are rarely hashtags, the posts are inconsistant, and doesn’t see much engagement past my Facebook friends. It wasn’t very important, running to share something the moment I put pencil to paper; I fell into this pitfall a few times in my life, and it always ruined and disrupted my inspiration.

Now? Now I make stuff, and if people like it, awesome! I actually taught my first class in 10 years to a small group of friends and delighted more in the kind words from friends who shared my post. Because my students were friends, I didn’t feel pressure to have everything set up perfectly. I no longer have a DSLR to film with, and my laptop is a modified MacBook Pro from 2009. I loved teaching live, as I could get feedback from my students, as well as answer their questions, in real time.

(I’m working on a ‘sequel’ right now, as I ran out of time to share everything!)

The joy? Using much loved supplies to the point they need replacing because of how much you use them. Being able to info dump at friends all I’ve learned from wearing out even the expensive stuff.

Sometimes, you need to run out of what was so there’s room for what can come. But the only way you get there is to just run free with radical acceptance, use the pretty things, and allow something you never expected to take root and grow.

I’ll see you next week, friends.

💜 Kira

(Yes, I am changing my legal name!)

I have never angsted about a journal size like this in my life

If I can’t come and post about issues I’m dealing with about journal sizes here, where can I go?

I’ve been working in an A5 sized book since December, the blue one up there with the whale on the cover — a cute and good purchase from Notebook Therapy. But when I found out I could get a B4 sized one from Archer & Olive, I was ecstatic. I’ve always loved working in composition book sized journals, and make most of mine to be that size when creating handmade journals. So I ordered one — I’m about 15 pages from the end of my current book, but figured I could still add to it while working in the new one.

With bated breath, I awaited my delivery. Refreshed the tracking. The arrival of my package was going to lift my spirits after days of feeling sick from my first shot. When it arrived, I cut it open and took out that beautiful white box you see on IG and FB ads (well, on my ads). Pulled the book from the box and ran my hands over the cover. It’s gorgeous.

There are pages in my current book that I wished I’d had more room for. So getting the larger one has been a thought in my head for weeks.

But then, I saw my current book out of the corner of my eye, and a wave of sadness washed over me. I love my book. The pages are full of so much. Writing and drawings and collages. It called to me like the toys from Toy Story when Andy was talking about donating them.

I’ve worked on a few pages in the new one and was like, I have to fill this whole page? Like, there’s so much room? Maybe I should go back to the old one? But then I’ll be switching to this one at the end?

Here’s the thing — I don’t have to fill the entire page. I can draw in the middle and leave the rest blank. I can make fun layouts and have lots of white space (I like white space. Look at the blog LOL). The paper quality is amazing, buckling less under watercolors than the Notebook Therapy one. And I found a cute book cover at the knockoff Daiso in town to keep it clean — I do tend to spill water on the rolling table, and today at the park, the ground was damp-ish under the blanket and made the bottom cold. Spent this much on it, gotta keep it nice!

With all the stuff on my mind, it’s kinda fun to focus on the little things.

This is still a developing story. Come back for updates on the 10pm news.

love,

samie

Diary of a First Shot Spoonie

(there are some journal pages as a bonus at the end of this post!)

As Arizona opened up vaccines for everyone, I signed up for an appointment and went for my first dose of the Pfizer vaccine. The whole thing was like a go-kart track met a drive through; we wound through the serpentine path, the truck in front of me having to go slow and almost back up around each curve.

(My car has an amazing turning radius, thus, my fun was ruined by the giant truck going slow in front of me.)

Each stop on the trip was full of more questions. Do you have allergies that cause anaphylaxis? Have you had any other vaccines? What are you allergic to? My only food allergy is avocados — she asked what happens. “Well, my throat gets a tickle and so I just stop after that.”

“Ah, ok. But like, your throat doesn’t close up?”

“Never ate enough to get there.” But I’ve wanted to. Oh, I’ve wanted to. Guac is…so delicious.

Now, my body is, well, sensitive when it comes to medications. There’s only a 15% difference between a name-brand and generic medicines. And I can’t take the Lyrica generic because it makes me really, really sick. Like, constant migraines, overwhelming fatigue, pain, emotional instability. It took a month and a half to figure out that’s what was causing my issues, and now I have to get a special exception with my insurance to get the name-brand Lyrica that allows me to…function.

So it’s no surprise this shot caused a reaction. As I’ve already had COVID, the first dose put me into COVID-lite. I’m still trying to shake the exhaustion and nausea a week later. And I feel like all this progress I’ve made over the past six months feels negatively impacted. Ugh. It’s a bit disheartening…I’ve spent most of the week in bed. In fact, this is the first time I’ve sat in my recliner in over a week!

My comfort has come from my journal and books. I have done a bit of art every day, and even got some new toys since I last spoke with you all! I’m going to do a video about them, but the hint is I got them from Jane and OMG COLOR! I’m always on the lookout for supplies that Spoonies can easily use in bed or on the couch, and definitely want to share these with you in a video soon.

Anyway, that has been my week since last Friday. I’m a bit behind on projects, but am not going to push myself. I’m listening to my body, trying to take care of it, and not putting any pressure on myself. I don’t need to do anything this weekend…so anything I do is icing on the cake.

Before I go, I wanted to let you know I’m planning on doing some art on stream Sunday morning. I was joined by a couple people last week, so keep an eye on my Facebook to find out more. Or join the mailing list. Or here. I’m going to try to blog more. Wasn’t this supposed to become my very public diary? Time to get focused on what matters!

love,

Samie

you're making it too complicated

There are art supplies all around my recliner, like a Michael’s blew up and everything burst from the packaging, allowing random markers and stamps and papers to mix together. 

Except I didn’t have regular paintbrushes. Just my water brushes. And I didn’t want to get them messy with black in, so up I got, again, pulling out more…and then added them to the storm of supplies. 

I’d sat down to work in my Book, as well as my watercolor sketchbook. I didn’t really have any idea of what I was going to do, just that I had that need, that deep urge that annoys like an itch until you scratch it. And as I sat there, I suddenly remembered all the things I’d wanted to do lately — a photo I’d seen on Instagram I wanted to draw, a few techniques with watercolor I wanted to play with, some abstract expressionism to just let go after the stresses of a day at work. 

I was, to be frank, paralyzed.

Where do I start? Which one gets my attention and which is left to the side because I’m working late at night and getting tired? What do I need to do A, B, or C? Oh, I don’t have that here? Get up and grab it. This repeated several times, to the point I was grumbling and my knees were upset with the situation. When the mess started to gather on the right side of the recliner, that’s when I heard it: 

You’re making it too complicated.

You know that voice. It’s the one you hear when the noise of the ego quiets and it can get through. It’s a voice of deep, pure love that always has your best interests at heart. It’s wise, and mine is a bit blunt. Your voice will sound and feel different than mine — we are all souls in bodies, unique and powerful. And mine was getting a bit frustrated with me and my indecisiveness. 

By the time I’d cleaned everything up, it would be bedtime. No art would be created. I sighed and sat back in my chair, knowing I’d blocked my own art time by wanting to create something super mixed-media. That’s not what I do these days; I’m a simple girl with watercolors and paint markers and some paper and washi. A limited bit of supplies so they’re always available and easy to pull out and play. Why, then, did my brain start going in gracious directions? 

It’s about what you are trying to express, not how. 

You can say something just as loud with a ballpoint pen as you can with a desk of supplies. 

The next morning, I lay in the quiet and let myself dive deep into my Inner Self, bypassing the ego. The part of me that wants likes and comments and to be noticed. I grabbed a ballpoint pen and started writing out my frustrations. I had the idea to draw something in between the columns of words, so I began doodling. 

And I loved it. 

Just a pen. And a journal. And the moment of quiet so I could say what I wanted with my art instead of focusing on the fancy supplies. 

Later, I colored with watercolors. I shaded with colored pencils. I doodled with paint pens. All things in my little kit of supplies. 

And I adore it. 

I know what it says. I know what it means. If you see the same thing, if you see something different, remember: she started with a free pen from the tattoo parlor I go to. 

So what are you waiting for?

(video) what's in my pencil case?

I uploaded this yesterday, but didn’t post about it — and some of you found it already!

Here’s what I have on my table at all times, and I carry it with me if I want to make art elsewhere in my house. Because I don’t have a lot of extra energy (spoons!), I don’t want to have to pull out a lot of supplies or make a mess I’ll have to clean up at the end because I’m usually dead tired at that point (most art making happens before bed). So I decided to really look at what supplies I was reaching for the most, put together a little kit, and that’s what I use! No big bin of supplies pulled out. No mess. I use water brushes and watercolors so there isn’t any clean up, and I can paint in bed without worrying about ruining the sheets!

Limitations on supplies can actually force you to think outside the box and discover new ways to create! I really recommend creating something like this — everything’s on hand and within reach! If you do, let me know so I can come see!

I want to thank you all for the comments and likes and such. I was slightly apprehensive about posting again, wondering if anyone was still paying attention to this space, but you all have made me feel so welcome to be back to blogging and making videos!

So, what should I make a video about this weekend?

"where we came forth, and once again more saw the stars..."

I want to say it’s hard to believe I haven’t blogged in over a year, but considering the year we’ve all had, well, I was a bit distracted, to say the least.

March, I got COVID. Worst flu-like thing I’ve ever had. I remember thinking, “I’ve never been this sick before!” It took a few months before I realized that’s what it was. My lungs are still a bit angry with me, but I got an inhaler to assist.

COVID crashed my system. There are articles coming out, now, about the post-COVID malaise, the long-term effects of this virus. As someone who’s had CFS/ME for 20 years, I recognized these symptoms right away as those I live with. CFS/ME is caused by a viral infection — mine was in 7th grade — and COVID is definitely a virus. I’ve been deeply saddened by this; this disease is no joke, with most of my energy devoted to keeping my body functioning. A good analogy I saw on Reddit: During a flare, my mitochondria are on vacation and I have no idea where. Between them, they’re planning their next vacation.

In mid-June, I stopped working. My fatigue was so bad, I couldn’t do much more than lay in bed and read. My migraines attacked and those daily, always-have-it headache deciding to up the ante. Most of the second half of last year, I was curled up in bed in a dark room, trying to read on my iPad because my vision was so blurry, I couldn’t read anything on my phone. Or use my phone. I couldn’t text or keep up with social media. My world shrunk to my bed, my nest of pillows and blankets.

Unfortunately, migraines are hard to get short term disability for. So I wasn’t getting paid the 6.5 months I wasn’t working. I drained my 401K (listen to me, so adult now!), borrowed from family, and was lucky to get a grant through work. I just made it every month, but constantly stressed about overdrafting and affording food. This was all very hard to communicate, since I didn’t have the energy to reach out.

Do not dispair, though! I found an amazing doctor who is handling my migraines — I’ve been trying treatment regimes, and now I can’t move my forehead or frown because of botox! So far, it’s helping, but we won’t know for sure for a few weeks. I’m still pending MRIs and a lumbar puncture to see what the pressure in my head is, as we susspect I’m leaking cerebrial spinal fluid.

Yes, my life is such fun.

(If you get that reference, I love you.)

I also was diagnosed with two more health issues. So three for 2020!

I’ve done so much art, written poems, written about life and what’s going on in my Book. I’ll tell you more about that later. I’m back at work and feeling much better. Yes, a lot of my hair fell out from a medication, and I have to be careful about what I take together and when, but I’ve got this. I’m handling it all. I’m able to think clearer these days, and get on tasks….as long as I can space them out!

I’m incredibly protective of my energy these days, and don’t socialize much. I’d rather play sudoku than stare at my phone. I work in my art journal every day. I’m trying new things and I think it might be time to share.

My approach to blogging may be a bit different in the coming days. The three categories you see over there are what I’ll primarily be blogging about. I’m not limiting it to just art — this is my little online diary, and something is better than nothing. Maybe getting things out into the world will help me feel less alone and disconnected. Someone will read these words. I hope.

I have a video exporting to share what’s in my pencil case, which is everything I use these days. I have one of those tables that goes over your bed, and that’s where I work (I’m sitting on my bed right now, pillows supporting my back, with random episodes of Nightwatch playing in the background). No desk, no fancy studio. Just a girl, art supplies, and a desire to make art despite all that should be working against me.

And you should, too.

With love, Samie

From Happy Planner to Happy Happy Art Journal!

Here it is! The how to video everyone’s been asking for! I hope to film every weekend now that I have a dedicated space. Let me know what you think! 

Say Hello to the Happy Happy Art Journal!

​A few weeks ago, as I was ruminating on all things art, I had an inspired idea:

What if I got one of those Happy Planner punches and made my own little books?

You see, I have a friend who is obsessed with those books. Rather, she’s a planner addict, and I’ve sat many a day doing art while she’s worked on layouts and such. I don’t get it myself, and yes, I’ve tried a few times to get into the planner spirit, but 1. I don’t have that much going on past work, physical therapy, and a few social engagements, and 2. I don’t want to spend time making my layouts look pretty if I’m just scribbling things down so I can look back later. Even when I was in school, I only used the monthly layouts, if anything (just ask my friends from back then; I usually asked them when stuff was due since I had no idea myself).

I did have a Happy Planner notebook that I tried using with the budgeting expansion, but I didn’t pull it out all that often, and it sat ununsed on my sketchbook/journal shelf with all the used-a-few-times-and-then-abanded books.

You see, I LOVE the new Strathmore mixed media toned tan paper. Adore it. It’s the best. I don’t have to work on grocery bags from Trader Joe’s anymore! The paper is thick, takes all kinds of media super well, and the bright colors I use just POP like WOW on it. But! It only comes in pads. Not really conducive to journaling or keeping an art journal. So! Get the punch, cut down the toned tan paper, and BAM! Now I have an art journal of my favorite paper. The Happy Planner pages are close enough to be like spreads, and if I’m working on more than one page, I can take them out to dry and keep working!

But then I thought, why just do ONE kind of paper? Why not add more? How about the toned grey? Or some watercolor paper?

Then, as I was cutting down the paper, there were scraps left over. Why not put them in, too? And then I thought, why not put all the pages down and add random swishes of paint, eliminate the blank page?

I swear, I feel like a mad scientist. I cackle with glee. I snort from laughing too much. I have so many ideas to try. I sit and play almost every night. I take this thing with me out to make art. And I love that I have the carrying case for the Happy Planner so I can put all my supplies in it, AND THE JOURNAL, and just get up and go - everything is self-contained and sooooo conducive to making art anywhere!

And! It has lined paper in it for journaling. For getting ideas out. Because lately, I’ve been keeping a written journal and found that those words are fueling what I draw and paint! And then I write more and paint more and the cycle just feeds itself over and over again!

But I didn’t stop there. Oh, no. Because I needed more room.

So I made a BIG ONE.

Now I have a classic size and a BIG one and I am loving every second and even making some more for friends or just because. I love holding it and playing in mine and thinking up new things and moving pages around and ahhhhhh I am just excited to be art journaling again and inventing again.

So say hi to my Happy Happy Planner! You can keep up with our adventures over on Instagram or subscribe to the blog to read more little stories like this!

Release and remember

A lot of my work lately is about two things:

1. the tactile nature of creating with my hands rather than a brush.

(Ok, I do use a brush once and awhile, but not for spreading paint!)

2. the self-reflection and pep-talks needed to get through the Tough Shit.

Sitting on the floor is not the most comfortable position, but I now have a better understanding on how Frida was able to paint while in bed, or a wheelchair. I always wondered how she mustered up the energy and passion needed to create despite terrible pain. She's been an idol of mine for years, and helped with creating my couch box for art while in bed/on the couch. Still, I'd be tired, and in pain, so I would just look at my phone or watch TV.

When you have a real passion for what you're doing, when you *must* express your inner self, pain becomes fuel, not the blanket that smuthers it out.

Somehow, once I get into the flow of things, I forget myself past my thoughts and hands. I allow myself to stay in the moment by focusing on the feel of paint between my fingers, the way chalk sticks, the little bits of glue I habitually peel off (getting glue off my fingers is one of my favorite quirks). When I need a moment, I wash my hands in my water jar. Leaning over, leg going numb - none of it matters when I'm playing on the page or surface.

Honestly, I've been painting on the box an Amazon order came in a few weeks ago. It's just cardboard, so there's no pressure to make anything nice or perfect. I can work without thought, letting the colors I've spread inspire me for the next step. Little bits, big swaths of color, details, paper. One leads to the next. Over and over.

And there comes a moment when I stop. The colors aren't inspiring any more. The space is filled. Call it magic, call it the unconcious, but I get to a moment when I *know* what I need to write. What I need to get out to help clear my mind of distractions. Most of my pieces are pep talks or kind suggestions to myself.

You see, I've yelled at and hated parts of myself for years and nothing ever got better. So I decided, why not treat myself with love instead? Just try it out for a week, see if it helps. And it does! Yes, I still struggle, but I'm so much more gentle with myself.

So I add these words. They just...come to me. Like they're coming from an unknown source that knows *exactly* what I need to hear/read to help calm whatever's rubbing me the wrong way. And no, I don't just create when sad or depressed. Sometimes, I create to help someone else' pain. Or something I feel people need to hear. I don't really question it, I just *do it.*

(And yes, when I got up last night to put my sheets in the dryer since Edie threw up on them...ugh...I had to walk hunched over because my back had frozen and straighten was not something I wanted to do. I shuffled to the dryer. It isn't far. And I was able to tolerate that because I'd just created art I liked, art I've always wanted to make, so...so what if I can't stand up? Or that my leg goes numb, my knee flares up. The reward of art created, of feelings processed, that makes it worth it. I also relax and watch tv or read to loosen up before bed.)

There is so much more I could write about, or share. For now, I'll just show you the art and the details I love.

Where the Magic is Happening

​I've found that these days, the backing paper, spread out to protect a rug quickly bought at IKEA, is where most of the magic is happening. There's something about not being restricted to the side of a journal page or spread, yet the art, the process, and eventual journaling are all an echo of the work I've done inside books for over a decade. When you can spread out, you have more room to move - get the paint on your hands and get your body involved in the motions of spreading paint or ink. The layers on my hands resemble the layers of Fordite, the "stones" created from years of paint being spread on the floor of an automobile assembly plant, and I wear them with pride for about half of my work day.

Despite the physical issues I've been having with my spine, I now paint kneeling or sitting cross-legged on the floor, my palms spreading paint. There's no pressure - this isn't an art journal page to post, or expensive paper. It doesn't react the same way as mixed-media or watercolor paper would, but that's ok. It's just an inexpensive roll of drawing paper. Make a mess and move on. Experiment. Let every little "what if...?" in your head come to life: what if I spread glue over chalk pastels? What if I draw simple faces? What if I layer this paper or that piece of trim? All of these thoughts get expressed on the floor in front of me, and as of now, I am making the kind of art I've always wanted to create.

Just took a decade to get here.

And that's what I want you to remember: art is just like anything else; the more you practice, the more you improve.

I mean, look at me. I've taken one art class in my life, a drawing course at the community college years ago. Everything else I've learned by observing others or experimenting myself. And I keep at it, even if I feel like what I'm making is terrible. You have to battle through the years of not measuring up to your own taste (watch this short video of Ira Glass explaining the gap - it will change how you look at what you're creating). Do I see the way things aren't quite right due to perspective? Sure I do! But do I care? No! Because this is MY art - my shaking hands, my overactive nerves, my colors and faces and process. I love getting stuck in the flow of creating because the pain goes away. The grief flutters above me like a beautiful butterfly. The Divine is able to help me express my heart - the same Divine that crafted stars and nebula and you and me. Whenever I feel the muse has left me, I allow the Divine to use my hands - if they can create the beauty of the stars and the moon and the sea, it can definitely help me paint.

Most of the time, the words just come to me. I can't explain where they come from. I just feel them in my heart and write them down. And that's when the breakthrough happens - the emotions spill over and are given voice. I am often surprised by the words that are written, and feel, sometimes, that the unconscious mind is giving me a glimpse of what's under the surface.

It's a release, to be sure. Of movement, of existing in my body, of being mindful in the present moment. I'm sure I sound like a madwoman, cackling and laughing as I play, but I wouldn't have it any other way. 

How do you get through a creative block? How does art allow you to be present in the NOW? How can working big or on "cheaper" paper change your creative process?

Couch Box Revisited 2018

  Please forgive the less than polished nature of the video!  

Keeping a Couch Box, for me, is important. My heart yearns to make art, thinks of all the wonderful fun to be had with supplies, and knows it finds happiness when I can look at something I made and smile.  But the reality of daily life - a busy day job and uncertainty with health issues - keeps me from making all the art I’d like to. Being able to easily grab some supplies while in my recliner or bed helps so, so much!

​I also use these supplies when I have the energy to sit on the floor, with the addition of some basic acrylic paints and gesso. I can put them away in the bin and keep things organized - being able to clean up easily is key when you don’t have much energy. Always remember to budget that in when you set out to have some fun!

Here are the supplies that I use the most. I’ve linked to products on Amazon so you have an idea of what each thing is and costs, but you should explore as well and supply as you can budget. I luckily have a day job and no children, so I can afford a little more. Use what you have and challenge yourself to trying new things with what you have on hand. ​

I’ll be posting twice weekly for the next month or two so keep your eyes out for more art and videos, as well as live broadcasts on Instagram. ​

  Supplies in the video:

Dina Wakely Scribble Sticks

Prismacolor chalk pastels

Copic markers

Ecoline Brush Pens

 Faber-Castell Polychromos

Holbein Acryla Gouache

Pentel Pocket Brush Pen

Blackwing Pearl pencil

Uni Kuru Toga mechanical pencil

Posca Paint Markers

Faber-Castell Pitt artist pens

Jane Davenport ColorSticks

The Unexpected Joys of Dreaming

About a week ago, I tried a new medicine to help me sleep. Being able to fall asleep has been an issue of mine for the past 15 years or so, and I’ve spent many a nigh wide awake late into the witching hour. Three years ago, I found something that helped, but an unknown side-effect was losing dreams. I can’t say for sure if I dreamt or not, but I never remembered anything. It was always just before and then waking up.

One morning, after changing things up, I spent my sleeping hours searching for my phone with my father. When I woke up, I could hear a TV playing softly in the background and my mind, freshly awake, recognized the sound and thought oh, Mom and Dad must be up watching TV.

(If you are new here, my Mom passed in 2015 and my Dad passed this last March.)

My mind fully woke up and realized it was my roommate, that my parents were not here, and that the search I just finished was a dream. It was a gift, a blessing, to see him once again, if only while sleeping.

I’ve been feeling better lately, and combined with recently finishing an online class with Sabrina Ward Harrison (so worth the price tag, so amazing - if you have a chance to take her next offering, do it) had me sitting on my floor and painting with my hands as I happily listened to music. I saw my Dad, and Friday night, I saw my mom and brother, too (my brother passed in 2016). This brought me so much joy!

I had a giant piece of drawing paper down to protect my rug and my art journal out. I pulled out a canvas I’ve had for ages and done nothing with and got started.

Now, while I was painting and playing, I was messing around on the paper. We all know how fun it is to play with the paper we’ve put down to protect the surface - my friend Robin-Marie makes such amazing work from her layers of newsprint under her work. But I kept going, playing with paint and chalk pastels and ink, just allowing myself to be free - this is back paper, it doesn’t count for anything, doesn’t have to be a journal page to share or a canvas. No thought needed. I quickly turned my attention to the piece that was magically coming together.

I pasted down trim I’d pulled from a long-forgotten stash, added scraps of painted papers I’ve collected. My drawing could be wonky - I was only trying out a new supply, so who cares how it comes out?

And then I started writing about my dreams, about seeing missed family members again after such a long time without them. I celebrated the new gift I’d been given, how much I missed them, how I was finally finding my footing after such intense grief.

And when I sat back and saw what I’d made, I cannot explain how happy it made me. I was making the kind of art I always wanted to make, that my ability has finally caught up with my taste (watch this video of Ira Glass explaining the Gap; it is so worth it, especially if you’re struggling with the work you make vs the work you enjoy). I showed a friend and she suggested I frame it.

That’s not something I’ve done before. I have canvases hanging in my space, but nothing on paper, no journal spreads. It was an odd but touching suggestion, and I decided I’d grab a frame for it after my NaNoWriMo meetup. My roommate came by before I left and agreed I should get a frame.

I can’t stop looking up at it, frame on my wall. I had to take something off the wall to fit her, And when I showed my friend, she told me she’d never felt the push for me to frame something before. It all lined up, and now I have a special piece about seeing my family in my dreams on my wall.

I’m totally going to use this approach the next time I have a painting party on the floor. Big sheet of paper, art journal close at hand. Art journaling doesn’t have to be in a book. It can be on paper, or canvas. Anything can be art. And no surface is precious! My dog walked over the paper past where I was working. If I hadn’t been playing around on a surface I was using for scratch, this would never have been created.

My joy to create has returned! I’m writing again (obviously) and creating and painting and exploring life again. Still have the day job, but now I’m charged and ready to dive back into my artist self.

When was the last time you made an unexpected piece of art you love? Got paint all over your hands (I only used a brush for the drawing of the girl to spread the watercolor marker)? Dive in and make a mess! And link me so I can come see!

Make your mark

Hi there! *waves*

I am still alive. I used to wonder how people who used to have such a presence in our little art world seemed to disappear. What happened that pulled them away? Was it a choice or consequence?

I now have the answer: life.

We all have those times when we’re pulled from what we love. It isn’t that we don’t want to do anything, more, life needs our attention.

I allowed life to pull me away.

Handling my father’s affairs is overwhelming (please write a will. I don’t care how old or healthy you are!) and I was stuck in mandatory overtime. I would work long days and come home exhausted. I lost my spark for anything past just breathing and getting through the day. My grief is such that everything reminds me of them.

What I didn’t do was use my art journaling to process what was happening.

Yes, ME. The one who’s spoken for years about how art journaling and art can help you get through things! I forgot my own lesson and became more concerned with buying things to make myself feel better than actually doing any art. Oh vey!

But new news has me diving for my art journal to help process it all. Facing health issues sucks when you can’t go to your Mom or Dad about things (I do have a few adopted moms and omg without them I’d be a complete wreck and not just the weird spaz I am now).

While I am still in the process of putting together my puzzle of health issues I’ve been dealing with for the last year or so (seriously. I go to the dr at least once a week, maybe even twice depending on which specialist I’m seeing), my doctor and I agree that we’re starting to see the picture all these things add up to - an autoimmune disease - lupus.

Which, frankly, terrifies me. My test is positive and I’m displaying several symptoms. And while it’s nice to have a better idea of what to do next, I’m still freaking out a little bit.

So I grabbed my art journal and started making a mess. I’ve been using supplies I can easily pull out no matter how tired I may be. My favorites have been put into organized pouches to allow them all to be closer to me. I’m thinking of making a couch *pouch* rather than a box since a pouch is easer to take to work or out to my favorite cafe, when I have the chance.

My work is definitely coming out differently. I’m responding to the ease-of-use supplies, like watercolors and colored pencils, and allowing it to help process all these emotions running through me at all times (I just cried to a series finale to a show that ended *4 years ago*). Endless doctors’ appointments, medical bills, regular bills...it’s hard when it’s just you and you’re the only way you’re getting anywhere (just ask me why I drove over a median the other day - Uber’s expensive and I don’t have any other way to get to things!). So much has been forgotten, and I always feel like I’m messing up.

So I’m making a mess in my journal. I’m leaning in to wrinkled pages and Copics bleeding through. I’m thinking more about expression than what’s before or after. Stop being concerned with how others will react and allowing for nothing but imperfection. It has helped so much!

I haven’t been posting much of what I’ve done for the past few months because it was all so new and I didn’t want outside influences, aka social media, to dictate if I continue on. Now that I’m more comfortable with what’s happening, I’ve decided to start sharing again.

As a friend told me today, my Dad would have wanted me to be happy and make art again, even if I’m squeezing it in wherever I can!

I’m even working on a passion project you’ll be seeing soon. I’m so excited but am going to wait until things have come together....just keep an eye out for a brand new blog coming soon

Mood Board Monday #16 - neon brights

Every other week, Rebecca and I create or find a Mood Board and allow it to inspire a page or spread in our art journals. Don’t forget to check out her blog to see what she creates!  

This week, we went full on neon. Which isn’t surprising since those colors are the ones Becca likes best! I didn’t really sit down with a plan, but as I worked, I heard questions within me rise to the surface. It’s always interesting when the simple act of laying down paint allows your mind to clear and offer up that which has been stewing under the surface. 

(I’d write about it all, but it’s personally and connected to the losses of the past few years.)  

  This week I recorded with time lapse, which made this much shorter than I expected! Does this work better? Or do you like the sped-up-but-not-this-much videos I was doing before? Also, if I did a longer one talking about materials and techniques, would you’d support this on Patreon for a few bucks a month? I’m trying to figure out engagement with my lovely readers as I begin to emerge from the shadows of grief - or maybe, I’m just realizing how much art helps. Lt me know in the comments!

Mood Board Monday #15 - teal is nice

Mood Board Monday is a project with Rebecca to create a Mood Board each week and use it as inspiration for an art journal page/spread.  

You may notice this is being the first post in weeks. I lost my father a couple of weeks ago, and have been overrun with paperwork to deal with and belongings to sort. I managed to finish this spread the night before.

I love the colors for this spread! And I got to make the board this week. 😊.  

I used some of Jane Davenport’s new acrylics and Dina Wakley’s collage words on this spread and plan on using them a lot more! 

Journal Girl Review: Hand Book Journal Co Watercolor Sketchbook

Each Thursday I’ll be reviewing a new product or technique to share with YOU! I love trying new materials and sharing my discoveries with others. Many reviews will show how you can adapt supplies to be used outside the studio setting, including for those with disabilities.  

This week we’re reviewing... 

The Hand Book Journal Co watercolor sketchbook! 

This beautiful sketchbook has thick, amazing watercolor pages that can take layers and layers of anything you want to throw at it. It doesn’t buckle and watercolors blend beautifully. Copics also work in here, but do bleed through a bit if you’re doing lots of blending. They blend amazingly in this book! 

I currently have three of these books and loooove them! I can’t make this kind of quality for the price. Go on - you know you want one!  

Mood Board Monday #14 - plant a seed and let it grow

Every Monday, Rebecca and I create an art journal page inspired by a Mood Board we find or make ourselves!  

I was super inspired by Megan Wells this week after taking in the photos and colors for this mood Board. I knew I wanted to see how these colors worked together and flowers are the perfect way.