I think it's so funny how we bred JOBS into dogs. I have two shih tzus and they were bred to be lap dogs. All they care about is looking cute and cuddling with people. Meanwhile my grandma has a border collie and that dog needs to feel so useful all the time, he acts like he will pass away if he doesn't have a job to do constantly

The thoughts of my shih tzus: Man I love the couch. Flip flops are so yummy. I wish it was nap time again

The thoughts of my grandma's border collie: I have been silently observing the pigeons up in the tree for 3 hours in order to gain every tactical advantage. I'm trying to engineer the optimal jump into the backyard pool. I wish I could play chess

i won’t lie this scene still fucks. you ever have a chat about the death of God with Death himself over some chicago deep dish pizza 

contender for the funniest bit of supernatural dialogue

how convenient that my dog doesn’t answer me when I ask if he’s a communist….

COVID PLS FUCKING END SO I CAN GO THE AQIARUM SAFELY AND SEE DA TURTLES AND PENGUINS AND FUNNY FISH 

I HAVENT SEEN THE FUNNY LITTLE FISH IN SOO LONG

subway employees when i tell them i want a sub:

Want to be a big titty green haired anime bitch tearing into a whole mutton leg at the medieval feasting table surrounded by rowdy men with huge arms who will not hurt me

This is where i want to be

Artists twitter

this guy puts metal in the microwave to watch it spark

Anti wolf heck collar

“The purpose of the collar is to protect the dog wearing it when it has to fight the wolves. The collar base protects the dog’s throat and carotid arteries, while the spikes are intended to deter bites to the neck or even injure wolves trying to do so.”

“And what do you get from serving humans that you do not get from running free?” sneered the wolf.

“Free food, unconditional love and tactical upgrades,” replied the herding dog.

I see your anti-wolf dogs and raise you Spanish War Dogs.

I see your Spanish war dogs and raise you the Tibetan Mastiff, which was actually bred to fight tigers and has fur so thick that it doesn’t need armor

They’re also what I like to describe as ‘fuck you’ big

you want a fuck you dog ok i see your tibetan mastiffs, and raise you the caucasian shepherd dog 

they were bred to hunt bears, and they are fuck you dogs.

All I see are Good Pupps. 

All I see are Fereldans trying to one up each other on their knowledge of dog breeds

you are not wrong.

Literally no one:

Not a single soul:

Male authors:

[Image text from a novel:

"I like your mother. You have your mother's breasts."

"Her breasts."

"Great stand-up tits," he said.]

sorry I think we’re sleeping on

This author is either writing a parody or they’re an alien

this is Cosmopolis by Don DeLillo. it’s a really weird novel about a man going to get a haircut that’s also a pretty explicit criticism of the 1%.

the main character is a multimillionaire who’s so fixated on money and materialism that he’s basically forgotten how to be a normal human being and connect with people. that conversation above is him talking to his new wife. at one point, he even says something like, “this is good. we are having a conversation. this is what people do.”

she got that Capri Sun Roarin’ Waters pussy

lord please forgove me but i think im bout to respect the pouch

if 6 months of quarantine has proved nothing, it’s shown that the dad from The Shining was a weakass lil bitch

to be fair, the mansion was sentient and slowly possessing him

i’ve spent 6 months in a studio apartment, the bitch can cope

i cant believe i fell for that “look angry and upset and hope someone saves you” shit in high school! how boring! what an awful way to live! i want to be so warm that ppl are gently warmed when theyre around me

like a soup

like a soup

oc design is just “this is me” and “god I wish that were me” in random measurements on a scale

may I present an alternative take

25-35 is such a weird fucking age because you’re 100% a bread-and-butter Standard Edition Millennial but the cool teens are like “ok boomer” because you have a Real Job but the actual Boomers at your job are like “I’m not going to listen to a literal fucking child” as they download 16 self-replicating viruses and meanwhile the Gen Xers are telling you to refinance a mortgage for a house you don’t have and you’re sitting there at the Adults Table with the pretty tasty casserole you cooked because you’ve finally figured out how to do that now but everyone is eating the Boomer’s store-bought macaroni instead and admittedly they do sort of taste similar so it probably wasn’t worth all the trouble of cooking from scratch and you’re trying to comfort the freshly-graduated sobbing 22-year-old next to you because she just woke up here and doesn’t know where she is but you have like maybe 5k dollars in a savings account labelled RETIREMENT that grows approx. twelve cents a year and you keep eating dry macaroni while smiling incomprehensibly and periodically blacking out like ??????????

Omg someone FINALLY put it into WORDS

forcing my car to commit sins so it goes to hell with me when i die

i love tumblr where else am i gonna get the bizarre combinations of stimuli i need to have thoughts like this