I can’t quite believe that I’m back on here. I guess writing is my go-to outlet and wow, it’s been a long time. I will have to admit, I wrote some pretty good shit back then. I once read something that, in summary, was saying that if you piss a nice person off enough, this person will get fed up one day and all hell will break loose. And that’s how I feel right now. I’m not even angry at the person that’s making me feel this way, I’m just so angry in general because I feel like I can’t catch a break. I’m tired of being nice. I’m tired of questioning my self-worth everytime this happens even though I know I shouldn’t. The fact that I know I shouldn’t, and yet am, makes it even more frustrating. I’ve done this so many times that I can write the entire script with my eyes closed. A part of me feels better that everytime, I leave enough of an impact on someone to make them feel an emptiness when I am gone because the shitty part of me adds a few pity points to my self-worth. But that quote about trying the same thing over and over again and expecting the same results is craziness? Yeah, I’m starting to feel that now. As competitive as I can get, I usually know when to give up. Right now I just feel like a crazy person, trying the same fucking thing over and over again expecting to get a different result than I did the past 10 times. I envy those who get to say “I’m glad I never had to experience the online dating age.” I’m glad for you too. Because some of us literally have no fucking choice. And boy is it ruthless out there.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but in this particular moment I feel liberated without you.

It felt so right that it felt wrong to let it go

Minutes after it had all ended, I repeated “he just doesn’t see it” over and over again. But time heals all. 

It’s okay to feel. It’s okay to find out that after all this time, you were the only one who wanted it. It’s okay to take a leap of faith for something that you believed was a good thing. It’s okay as long as you know at the end of the day that you are worth it. If the other person doesn’t want the same thing, there’s really nothing you can do about it. Don’t wait around for someone who might not ever see things the way you saw them because it’s a waste of time. Also, you absolutely must realize that it was not your fault.

I know he didn’t mean to hurt me and I had a slight feeling things wouldn’t turn out the way I wanted it to, but I needed to know for sure. Based on previous mistakes, I just had to do this for myself so that I didn’t make the same mistake again of holding back only to realize that I shouldn’t have bit my tongue. 

I can tell you that the reasoning behind how all these feelings developed was legitimate. I went from telling someone I would never consider him to where we are today, and I can guarantee that he won’t come across many others who see what I see. What we had was amazing but as my friend told me, “if it ain’t right then it ain’t right.”

I still care about him even though it probably doesn’t feel like it to him, but I don’t know if we’ll ever be the same again. I’m not trying to be cold, I’m just trying to protect myself from relying on him as a safety cushion only to realize it was concrete in the mere seconds before I hit the bottom. 

I want it all, and if not, then nothing at all

I want great passion and I want to know that it’s the type that will keep burning decades down the road when the world changes and we change and nothing is the same anymore, except for our love. I want to know that the hand that I hold and the face that I wake up to every morning belongs to a person that can give me the love that I give when I am at my best. Because when we are old and wrinkles form and we don’t look the same anymore, I want to know that the person sitting right next to me can make me laugh, make my heart feel warm, and make me feel as young and alive as I can be. 

I know that I ask for a lot but I can only hope that the people I care about ask for the same. I know when it is different and life is too long for mediocre love. Therefore, I want it all, and if not, then nothing at all.

Yup.

Im scared that you'll share all these moments with me without ever asking me to share them with you.