notice how there will be no wednesday this week

no there will be. thats my laundry day it has to happen

You are going to reek

the scariest thing about old tv isnt really the racism or the sexisim because you kinda go in braced for that it's all the scenes where suddenly an actress is holding a lion cub or a chimpanzee is in the same room as a toddler, or suddenly theres a lion, or there's a chimpanzee again but it's driving a car, or holding a lighter, or holding fireworks. You just kind of watch in horror as over and over an actress performs with only 1960s tv film shootings best animal handling between her and the opening to Nope.

people are way too comfortable being dismissive of children and teenagers. if a toddler comes up to you and starts explaining skibidi toilet lore or if a 13 year old asks you if you want to hear about their mha ocs you have to listen with utmost sincerity or at least pretend to. this is the only way you will get into heaven.

genuinely depressing how people will dismiss the interests kids have because all it does is make them retreat into shame and never want to talk to you about anything again

people don't share information with you for no reason. nobody walks up to someone and starts explaining something they enjoy for no reason. If it doesn't pertain to a task or a mutual goal or a nearby danger, they're telling you, "I want to share a connection", and that's equally important. If you push them down, they'll stop trying. Don't make kids stop trying to build connections. Don't make kids stop looking for people who love them

we have lost so much language to the horny. cant even order a coconut cream pie without hearing giggles. just the other day i was trying to get a job as a henchmen so i asked my friend if he could help me goon. laughed right into my fucking face he did

since the cowboy and the samurai were both dying out in the 1800s i want an action adventure historically wildly inaccurate comic about the last cowboy and the last samurai teaming up BUT one of them is gay and the other doesn’t understand what being gay is and there are multiple comedic mishaps resulting from this

after lots of frantic googling of “were samurais gay” “were cowboys gay” “how did gay samurais work” “did gay cowboys love each other” ad nauseam i have decided that it’s actually funnier if both the cowboy AND the samurai are gay but not for each other and also they both have their very culturally specific understandings of gay social politics so both of them still are equally like “dude why are you like this” to each other

samurai, trying to comfort the cowboy who just got dumped over pony express: when my lover left me for another man, i killed both him and his new lover, and proved to all in shudo that it is what happens when you leave me for another, and i felt much lighter. would doing that also help you?

cowboy, absolutely reeking of the flask, who stopped howling purely out of confusion to try and figure out if the samurai was being serious: dude what the fuck is wrong with you

the depictions of homosexual identity at the time are painstakingly accurate and very clearly heavily researched, and this is purposefully in direct contrast to how absolutely absurd and crazy the entire rest of the premise of the comic is

Yeah quiet quitting is great and all but have you tried chaotic working?

Like. I remember back in my grocery store cashier days I did so much crazy shit.

When WIC (Women, infants, and children voucher program to help low income mothers/families with children) people were in my line I would pretty much know who they were. Before the cards they had to tell us upfront they were WIC and show us their vouchers for what they were allowed to get (it was awful some times. Like. 2 gallons of milk. $4 worth of vegetables etc etc). They’d always have items hanging back, waiting to see what the total was and if they would have to take it off the belt.

I began to place the fruits/vegetables a certain way on the register scale so that like 1/2lbs of grapes read as like .28lbs or something. Then act shocked when I said that they still had X amount of lbs left. They got all their fruit and vegetables.

I think it started to kinda? Catch on to the women? Because I would have the same moms in my line month after month. And even after they switched to the cards (they worked like food stamp cards?) I’d still do the same thing. They were able to get more produce for whatever shitty max amount Indiana gave them.

Anyways. Be chaotic. It’s more fun that way.

One of the paradoxes of the modern internet is that I genuinely understand sites need to get revenue somewhere, and while I don't love ads I'm actually okay seeing relatively unintrusive ads on a free site, hearing words from sponsors, etc.

But the modern internet is so full of modal popups and video ads on autoplay and trackers that using it without an adblocker is basically impossible, so everything gets blocked.

You're fresh out of college and looking for a job. Everyone is hiring. Nobody who's "hiring" is actually hiring. You finally get a call back from somewhere you barely remember applying to (though the voice on the other end sounds synthesized). You pull up the job listing again real quick. The company name and the fact that the listing is for "Minion" are kind of concerning, but you know what, you've interviewed with enough evil corporations by now, you can handle one wearing its true colors on its sleeve. At this point it's a matter of making rent or moving back in with your parents, and as much as you love your family, you can't imagine spending another summer dealing with your brothers' antics. You agree to the interview.

The man who greets you is an enthusiastic older German(?) man who's either way too into cosplay or just that committed to the bit, judging by the lab coat. He made cookies. The tray of cookies is proffered to you by a ten-foot-tall robotic caricature of a 50s businessman. You take a deep breath to calm yourself. You bite into one of the cookies. It's delicious.

You ask the boss about his business model. "Oh you know, a little of this, a little of that, I bounce from project to project a lot." He mentions that his end goal is becoming the undisputed ruler of the surrounding counties. "Really? Not the whole world?" you ask. "I like to set realistic goals," he replies.

As he gives you the tour of his "evil lair," ingrained instincts are screaming at you to report this guy to some kind of authority figure. You remember the salary. You decide that you can always bust him after getting your first paycheck.

The boss asks when you can start. Caught off guard, you say "tomorrow?". Your boss(?) says he'll see you then.

On the way out, you bump into your stepbrother's girlfriend. Your boss introduces her as his daughter. You both silently agree to sidestep the subject for now and act like this is your first time meeting.

You show up to your first day of work. Your boss is putting the finishing touches on a giant machine that was definitely not there yesterday. You are nonplussed. You ask him what it's for and he launches into a convoluted explanation involving his parents always forcing him to put his shirts on backwards so the tag was in front. You think he should probably talk to a therapist.

Your brothers' exotic pet breaks down the wall. You stare at him. He stares at you. Incredulously, you say his name. "Oh, good, you two already know each other!" your boss says. You mention that you used to live with him. "What? Perry the Platypus, you never mentioned having a roommate."

This is what I like to imagine Candace Flynn's life is like, post P&F.

Universal reaction to this post.

today was single handedly the best day of my life. i caught a cop stealing from the store i work at

literally watched him slide a candy bar into his sleeve and i literally felt like i was on top of the world. i felt like i could throw a car over my head. he walked around the store for a bit after that looking to see if we have any locally made pickles and then when he couldnt find any he was about to leave and im like ^__^ have a good night, are you going to pay for the candy bar you stole :3? and then i got to watch a grown ass pig shyly walk up to the counter to pay kinda just awkwardly laughing about it and was like "whoops forgot about it haha...." and then left without another word. this opportunity will never happen ever again. being able to tell a cop that he needs to pay for a candy bar he attempted to steal makes me feel incredibly powerful

courtesy of @imgonnafuckthetriangle

Dear people living on your own for the first time:

Here’s some advice I wasn’t told from the myriad of posts before that I wish I’d been given before

Hey this post is pretty good but please always wash your rice. It’s not to make it taste better, it’s to remove aflatoxin, which is created by a very widespread type of fungus and as such is present on most unwashed produce. Chronic exposure to aflatoxin leads to higher risk of liver and gallbladder cancer. I don’t blame anyone for not knowing this, as I didn’t until I started taking classes about cancer for my microbiology degree. Please always wash all of your produce and especially your rice, as it has a much higher surface area to volume ratio meaning that it can have a lot more aflatoxin on it than other produce if you don’t wash it.

This is actually something I was thinking about is that rent can not exceed 1/3 of monthly minimum wage income.

So let's say state is on federal Minimum wage which is about 1100 a month so in that state no matter what rent on any place could not exceed 370 dollars.

Even if minimum wage was 15 dollars (about 2400 a month) max rent could be 800

So if landlord want more money they would have to fight bosses and state legislature to get it.

Like average Pennsylvania rent is 1400 and in this world if landlord wanted to charge that the would have to get minimum wage raised to 26 dollars an hour.

To bosses and landlords:

this would have got 100k notes as a tumblr post in 2018

Shoutout to my dad for being the funniest person I know

What the fuck is that

My boyfriend prefers his mattresses firm, and I need a soft mattress. He prefers his food temperate while I like my food hot and spicy. This is another good reason to not have a kid, because even if the kid averages out and prefers everything in the middle, there's the risk of some blonde bitch breaking into our house to rummage through our stuff.

Crazy how quickly playing the lyre made me better at fingering