ice cream asks

Here We Are.

It’s ironic really, that I write for a living, but when it comes to writing anything personal I completely freeze up and draw a blank. This is a new development over the last year or so - it’s as if that side of my mind has completely shut down.

But I’ll give it a go, baby steps.

I’m at that awful stage of recovery where you know you need to change, you want to change, but the process of putting things into action is entirely up to you, and it’s all far easier said than done. For the past week I have not binged, not purged, and have eaten regular meals and snacks per a vague meal plan that I have in my head from the past. I’m already feeling that nagging, daunting sensation of expanding flesh and I can see that this is a significant moment. A fork in the roads, I suppose.

The discomfort and anxiety I feel on a daily basis are intense, so I could either opt out and turn back to the comfort and familiarity of disordered behaviours, or stick with what I’ve been doing (plus more, really) and allow the process to happen despite my fears. I know rationally which path is the correct one if I want to have any chance at a positive future, but the argument carries on in my head regardless of how many times I make that choice each day.

I feel such immense frustration towards myself at the moment. I’ve been here before so many times, so why am I back here again? What pulls me back over and over, even when I know that it only ends in having to drag myself through this incredibly uncomfortable, painful process? You’d think after 14 years I would have figured this out, but it’s still cunning/baffling/powerful.

I suppose this time around feels more uncomfortable (I know I keep repeating that word, I’m sorry, it’s the best I have right now) because I’m entirely alone with the ED, with only my own will to be well keeping me moving forward. I have no therapist, no dietitian, no doctor telling me, ‘This is how much you need to eat, this is how much you need to gain, this is how to sort out the tangled web that’s clouding your vision.’ I have no access to any formal support so I’m alone in my head all day, every day. I google the same things constantly, hoping for reassurance and guidance, re-reading blog posts about nutrition and hunger and feelings. It helps a little bit, to know that my feelings and symptoms and fears are not unique to me, but it’s also not enough.

Part of me feels compelled to make a stereotypical recovery Instagram or start using this account in the same way others do; posting photos of what I’m eating, rambling about my fears and progress, but frankly I feel too old for all of that, and I’m sure it wouldn’t be all that helpful. I just feel so lonely and frightened and lost, and I know I need support from somewhere but I have no clue where to find it.

That’s reality, though, folk. That’s what happens when you don’t seize recovery when the resources are available to you. One day you find yourself a real-life Grown Up, with a family to support and work to do, and a head still packed full of disordered thoughts. And then what? Then where do you turn? You just try your best, and hope that you can drag yourself out of the quicksand before it’s too late.

I want to be better so badly but I need help and I can’t access any and I’m so so so frustrated I just feel powerless and insane. 

Things have been bad, but I’m now actively trying to turn it around (FINALLY). I made some half-assed attempts throughout the year but my heart was never really in it. I don’t have any access to treatment but I’m really going to work hard to improve things on my own. I’ve had enough therapy over the years that I know what it is I need to do, I just need to move past the endless contemplation stage and take action. 

Today is day 3 of following a decent meal plan, sitting through intense discomfort and bloating and pain, dealing with the guilt and doing it anyway. This has to be done, I don’t want this disease in my life anymore. It’s been too long. I may still feel ambivalent about certain aspects of the process (ahem, gaining weight), but I’m willing to give recovery another shot. 

I may start posting here again just to keep myself feeling a little more accountable. I don’t have anyone IRL to support me on this, so I think even writing it out here for strangers to see might be worth something. We’ll see.

Plan for today: follow planned food, gentle yoga video, focus on positive thoughts and attempt to not feed negative thoughts, work, breathe. 

Things.

The new job fell through. They said they will let me know by the end of the week whether they’ll need me next week. I imagine they won’t.

Still haven’t made rent, 3000 words to go. I am a fuck up of note. 

And I can’t stop fighting with Sid about everything. I don’t trust him and I don’t know how to live with someone I don’t trust without going completely insane. I already feel like I’m halfway there.

I ate a huge breakfast and a giant pastry already today and it’s not even noon. What is wrong with me? Do I want to gain weight? No, not really. So stop acting like it. Shut up shut up I need to work.