WHY IS THIS SO ACCURATE IM LAUGHING SO MUCH

Ladies...

Is your ear cartilage symmetrical?

Are your pores drooping?

Do you have thighs?

Something Is Wrong With You.

Buy Product.

the government be like hey guys the pandemic is over! but also no it’s not :) it’s totally fine to go out now but like still stay home! wear a mask but you don’t have to! stay six feet apart but like if you wanna go to a concert packed with hundreds of people that’s totally fine too!! Anyways guys stay safe out there haha :)

if the pandemic is over, no it’s not. don’t go out because it’s over. no it isn’t. yes ❤️

so some local comic book shop accidentally had a shitload of anime girl…. tapestries (I guess?) printed and was desperate to get rid of them so now the cat shelter we go to uses them as cat blankets and it leads to many a funny sight

your man doesn’t have the mental strength to caramelize onions 

your man thinks it takes 5-10 minutes to caramelize onions

Who’s fucking carmelizing onions?

Have you sociopaths forgotten that apples exist?

do you think caramelizing onions is putting caramel on onions

me: I dont wanna like…… do things……..

My psychologist: You have to, do things

me: 

SCAMMED LMAOOOOOO

Objection, your honor. There has been no scam. The defendant clearly stated that they would tell the plaintiff’s girlfriend if the plaintiff bought the defendant a pizza. It was the failure of the plaintiff to heed the terms before agreeing to them that resulted in his infidelity being exposed.

Sustained.

SCAMMED LMAOOOOOO

Objection, your honor. There has been no scam. The defendant clearly stated that they would tell the plaintiff’s girlfriend if the plaintiff bought the defendant a pizza. It was the failure of the plaintiff to heed the terms before agreeing to them that resulted in his infidelity being exposed.

Sustained.

me rollerblading into my therapist’s office this week with sunglasses and a piña colada: maurice, you’re not gonna fucking believe this,

“your password is weak”

You’re the weak one And you’ll never know love, or friendship And I feel sorry for you

gonna go start bar fights so I can get a cool facial scar 

This one time we filled a glass forty bottle with gasoline and threw it in the bon fire. It exploded into my face and now I have three not so cool scars on my face

And two broken teeth

what did you expect to happen 

The Lord to protect me

King honestly

if your bones are wet then you’re alive, but if they’re dry then you’re dead

coroners hate them! area teen revived yet again through the power of the water cycle

“You have been a joy to raise”

If that ain’t me…