05/16/2022 11:48 AM

Where am I going to put all the poems I wrote about you but was too afraid to post yet in the simultaneous hope and fear that you'd see?

How will I vaguely show you I care and never really know if you saw it or understood but trust that it's there for you to find?

I write so much about you, even when I don't really want to. But now you're gone and the only way I can share is a vulnerability I'm not sure I can bare.

I can read them at open mic but you won't be there to listen. I can post them to Instagram but there's no guarantee you'll ever see them.

I-

I could message you. Unload my soul. Reach out and risk and have no idea which way things will go.

But will I?

Not What I Thought I'd Be Posting Next/Playing With How It's Read/Lines Might Be Off bc Tumblr

01/22/2021 2:15 AM

Yooo GET. On. My. LEVEL.

3 (ish) shots and half a bottle of wine

I know it may seem like we've got plenty of time

but if you aren't there soon I'll just start getting sad

this. is why I never drink alone

the thoughts-

-they turn bad

Last time, I did try and tell you but instead-

-I fell

IFellAndBrokeMyToeHaHaNooooI'mNotFalling

in any. other. way.

I dont really know where this is going

these rhymes!, I mean.

I just gotta keep it flowing.

I just gotta keep-

ahaaa I'm just writing, boiiii

but not with this pencil, this pencil is for biting

When you ask me whatcha doin, gorl?

i really wanna reply

What ARE we doing, boi??

WhatAre. we. doing.

tonight?

damn, I must think I'm really clever

cuz if I don't then I'll just think that I'm a fool

IMustThinkI'mReallyClever

and not. just.

falling. breaking all my toes

and maybe a wall or two.

yeah, i think I'm really clever but-

-IThinkWeBothKnow. the truth.

06/01/2020 6:31 PM

Just need to take a second and ponder what it is about being told you're a goof/having someone appreciate your silliness that is just so attractive/good feeling/idek??? Putting this here so I can think about it later, when the world is a little more right.

05/07/2020 12:33 PM

Queen of pretending everything's fine;

March/April/May - historically sad boi times;

Will I always want what isn't mine?

That's not what this is about

but

I do wonder.

9/17/19 8:23 PM

Well that's strange....

I have apparently made a new friend...on Snapchat....by accident? I'm confused.

9/10/19 8:16 PM

Am I filling my own head

with nonsense?

Perhaps.

The real question is

"Do I care?"

9/10/19 1:04 AM

Whewwww boy I'm feelin the feels. Fuck. 😅 I'm so confused but content and guarded and casual but excited and...hopeful? Ohhh, yeah. I'm fucked. But there's sweetness and heart emojis and kindness and just more and more that is so DIFFERENT even as a friend/crush/person in him than anyone else I've been with or been interested in.

I think the best part though, is that I have no clue what is going on or what is going to happen (if anything) but I am so entirely GOOD with that.

Who am I?

Anyway. The point is, this friend o' mine makes me smile like a goof, helps me not procrastinate schoolwork, kinda fuckin said the L word, distracts me a little but not too much, and is pretty damn cute. Ayep. Fucked. 😭😂🥰

7/8/19 12:44 AM

All These Memories I Have Missed

I've always been one for nostalgia, my friend.

How is it I've forgotten so much? Have I blocked you from my brain, packed you up tight in the boxes piled high in the recesses of my mind? The boxes I don't dare to touch, even on my darkest days? The only time they open is when one tumbles down from its precarious position into a dream, or deja vu, or an intrusive thought as I drive down I-15. And then I remember. And I think, and I mourn. It's an old heartache, probably my true first.

I've always been one for nostalgia, as were you, but some things are best left packed away, for the bitter outweighs the sweet.

6/21/19 9:22 PM

Really frickin annoyed right now. So I've been having some issues and needed to buy a pregnancy test after work today. No biggie, probably not pregnant, just need to be sure. So after work I head over to Big Lots (right next to my office). I look around a bit, get some new socks, head to where pregnancy tests should be and THERE ARE NONE. NOWHERE TO BE FOUND. Now being the anxious bean I am prone to be (and the anxiety is on a rampage this week) I don't ask the cashier.

Next I stop at Maceys (also right next to my office). I go straight to the aisle that says "family planning" (instant annoyance) and am met with pictures of the different condoms and pregnancy tests they sell. No sign that says where to go to get them so I assume the pharmacy counter. Annoying, and potentially embarrassing for some, but whatever. I personally have no shame in buying the tests or having to ask for them from a counter. I tell the lady at the pharmacy I need to buy a pregnancy test and she says "Oh, I keep one type back here just in case but if it's not the kind you want the rest are up at the front, at customer service".

Me: Oh. Kay thanks.

Also me: WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK

So I head up to the front and lo and behold there is no one at the customer service desk because it's getting kind of late. So I tell the self checkout lady "I need to buy a pregnancy test but was told to go to customer service and there's no one there". She agrees to help me and tells me to follow her. We turn down a little hall that leads to like the employee break room area and the tests are all on a shelf there. I pick the one I want and she says she'll help me at the self checkout counter. I pay, have a good night, blah blah.

This is the most ridiculous time I have ever had buying pregnancy tests. Thank god I am experienced in buying them. Thank god I have never been shamed for buying them. Thank god I am not 18 year old me who would have just left the store and cried and wondered until I worked up the nerve to go somewhere else.

I feel so bad for anyone who has to go through this situation and even feel slightly annoyed, let alone TERRIFIED. I was beyond pissed and had to sit in my car for a few minutes before I could put any of this into words. There needs to be change. Imma stop now before I just get pissed again and make no sense.

3/24/19 10:33 PM

Everything hurtsssssss god damn snowy waterfall canyon I'm bruised and sore AF. But I did shave my legs and put body cream on them and they are the softest they've been in probably ever.