atoms

having a really bad day today. everything is so overwhelming and i feel so tangled up. feel like i want to explode. feel like nothing ever goes right long enough to really count.

i’m not sure if it’s real or my anxiety but i feel like maybe some newer recovery friends of mine might not like me as much anymore. just going by how they’ve been responding to me. but it could be my brain trying to trick me, im unsure.

i try to say trust others to tell you the truth but i guess idk if that’s always true. is it because i don’t always tell the truth? but is that true? i feel insane.

and maybe i’m just not a good friend. i worry that i ask for more than i give. but that’s not always true. sometimes i wish people would be more clear about how they feel. when i have thoughts like that i wonder if im on the spectrum. but i’ve always had anxiety like this. bleh

everything is just hard and i miss escaping with alcohol and drugs, i miss not buying in to any of this shit!!! tbh that’s really how it feels sometimes. like since i bought into trying to do something with my life im selling out. like caring if i live or die in this fucked up world is crazy in the first place.

and it kinda fucking is. and times like these i’m not sure if im happier, but i know im just not seeing the downsides of the other side.

so i’m still sober. and im gonna get up tomorrow. and im gonna try again.

idk why im so checked out right now. life is just too much. i’m wanting to escape for sure and then feeling shame about the fact that i am doing so. not with alcohol but with weed and my phone.

it’s not that i even wanted to do anything specific today but i just feel fucking brain dead these days and i don’t think endless scrolling is helping that.

i don’t have anything to talk about with anyone and i feel fucking stupid. i could change that by changing my behaviors and habits but i don’t and then i get mad at myself.

i’m so sick of living in the shame spiral, still!!! i don’t know what it’ll take for it to stop being such a road block in my life.

hopefully the stress lets up a bit and i can get my head above water. i need to remember that im doing good. thoughts aren’t facts.

my anxiety is worse again and i think it’s the weed for sure at this point. i need to just stop. i’m just so scared. i need to find the courage because these fears are hurting my life. living in fear itself is the problem. i want to feel stronger and more confident. i need to find a way.

and i will. it’s okay today wasn’t the best, let’s try again tomorrow and honestly try to manifest a different attitude and inner monologue. for now, time to sleep.

life is just hard. i focus on the positives cos otherwise id never be sober but there are so many things to worry about. and getting older is so strange.

truly, things are going well. just not quite comfortable. finances are always stressful, there’s always something else to pay for. and my health is not great. my chronic pain is better but still bothers me everyday. i might have PCOS as well, they found cysts on my ovary but they don’t think it’s cancer. gosh that’d be terrible. part of me knows now tho that all i can do is get thru it, whatever my come.

i think some days tho it is still overwhelming. and that’s gotta be normal.

i miss being creative and yet i continue to put off any inkling of artistry. it’s like i’ve cut myself off, purposefully, from my creative emotions. i think without drugs and alcohol, i am unable to feel vulnerable even to myself. it’s a rotten feeling.

so here we are. i’m doing so well on paper and in comparison and i am not unhappy!! but, i am stifled and frustrated to not feel creative, to feel i must suppress it to be able to function in this pretty fucked up world. but idk maybe this is all bullshit.

the reality is probably that i’m just scared. i’ve always been scared ever since i was a small child. not of horror movies or performing on stage but of showing my true vulnerabilities, of failing, scared of people’s judgement and perceptions, scared of facing myself in the cold light of day.

im in hawaii for the first time, by myself. staying at a hostel for the first time too.

hawaii is beautiful, and it was so amazing waking up here after getting in last night and the sun and ocean. just what i always dream of. spent the day at the beach and it was lovely, but lonely.

i wanted to go away by myself cos i had this intense desire to be alone and relax and now that im here i wish i had someone to share it with. will it always be like this? never feeling satisfied?

maybe for how much i put on that i like being alone, i really do yearn for a partner. i remember at first with jeremy i was so happy and i felt like nothing in life was wrong or could hurt me.

i’m having all sorts of weird thoughts. i am feeling so strange.

but anyway, i’m at this hostel and the whole point is to meet people and chat with them and hang out i guess but it’s kind of unappealing. i don’t know if that’s cos i like being alone or cos of the social anxiety.

i also keep feeling my judgement of others keeping me from connecting with them. obviously i judge as a defense mechanism, because if i do it to them first it doesn’t matter if they do it to me but that’s not right. in actuality, if i came at people with less judgement, i would make more connections.

but i don’t feel safe i guess. i have been hurt by people and it’s very hard for me.

i know these girls i’m dorming with think i’m weird. or i guess i don’t know what they think but i can tell they are not interested in being my friend. and they’re allowed, but i suppose it does hurt even tho i don’t need their approval.

i don’t know. i feel my relevancy fading everyday and i want to embrace not needing to be relevant! but im not sure im there yet, i think i probably need to mourn it first.

i should just go talk to people but jesus i don’t want to.

i don’t feel interesting anymore. it’s hard to have conversations. maybe i’m just not having interesting ones, but i feel like i don’t help make it interesting. feel like i bore people.

but maybe i’m not talking to the right people? i also feel bored of others at times. perhaps it’s projection.

i don’t know if it’s weed or the lack of it or what.

who knows. i’m not in a good mood today that’s for sure and it’s frustrating. the universe always has a wrench to throw, just waiting! and some have been thrown today. i hate when it starts early in the day. so hard to pivot from the disgruntled feelings. frustration is my biggest enemy at times.

i’m having so much anxiety about my job. i’m really enjoying it and it’s like i’m so happy the other shoe has to drop and we are just so slow it’s scary

i may be working less shifts. it just sucks.

but i don’t need to feel hopeless, even tho the fear makes me want to. it i can spend some time seeing what else is out there, maybe i can get a second job. i mean i have to.

it’s emotional tho too and that’s so hard for me. i want the restaurant to succeed because i am so invested.

but i’ll handle it as it comes, and it’s okay to be emotional about it too. just can’t let it stop my growth.

i’m so bored and uninspired. am i fucking boring without the pain and suffering? without the substances? or is the weed i’m *still* smoking dulling my shine. am i too scared still? to try anything, do anything. so unmotivated for almost anything. it must be the weed. i can stop doing it, i wanted to say i can’t, but i can. gotta take back the power. but not tonight, and maybe not tomorrow. stuck in the same cycles. i feel like i’ve fallen out of expressions, out of being myself, out of sync with the experience of being me. what makes me special? what makes me happy? what do i want? how can i make any of this matter? is my preoccupation with mattering stopping me from acting? i feel disconnected on purpose, shrink from vulnerability, hide hide hide. run away. not as much, but i still can’t stay. here.

i really miss him. i miss telling him things and having fun conversations and laughing together. i miss everything. makes me wanna cry. but. it was just not good. i didn’t feel good. and idk how to fix that. and it’s fucking sad as hell.

today fucking sucks. it was busy at work with not enough people and i don’t like the new guy and it felt like people were talking about me behind my back again. and then jeremy didn’t txt me back for hours and he went to dinner with his friends and i thought i was sposed to come to the dinner. i’m just so sad and feel like crying

everything feels off. things have changed so much in such a short time and i am happy for the changes but it’s been a whirlwind. i miss parts of my old life even tho i was digging myself a very early grave. i feel so detached from reality right now. i’ve been smoking too much weed. i’m not happy

i’ve really wanted to drink today. and it sucks. i hurt my throat and had to go to urgent care and things with jeremy are weird for the first time and i’m just so done with everything. i really want to just make it go away for a second

i really do

ugh things are going fine but i just feel so disassociated from life rn. i am struggling finding any joy or energy for anything right now and i feel on the verge of tears all the time.

i feel kind of sick of everything which is frustrating cos im in a great new relationship and we’ve been doing fun stuff but i just feel dead inside right now.

maybe it’s the weed i’ve been smoking or maybe i need an adjustment in meds or maybe it’s just a bad week. i guess it doesn’t really matter.

just gotta get thru it and see if we can get out of it

life is still so good. honestly i gotta get back a lil gratitude cos my chronic pain flare has been gettin me down! but! i am so happy in reality.

things with jeremy are amazing. i’m so in love. and he’s so in love with me too!

work is going well. we’re a bit slow but i’m not freaking out and i’m great at being a server! well at least pretty good :p

graduated IOP. still in therapy tho and takin my meds.

i think i’m still progressing. altho i have been smoking weed a bit too often. and smoking too many cigs!

so i want to address that, and work on my finances. and continue to move forward with personal goals.

being in love is a bit distracting! haha but it is so wonderful. and jeremy is so incredible it’s insane. like, he is all the things i was always looking for. i’ve never felt that way before. not like this.

but! i’m trying to balance being my hopeless romantic self! haha with my need to stay tethered to the ground haha but also, just trying to enjoy it as well.

BLORP

i need to go to sleep but it’s hard cos i’m so happy and excited!

i started seeing this guy jeremy and it’s going so well! we went out on four dates and they got better each time. and we took things p slow for me but tonight we had sex and it was wonderful. he really likes me and i really like him.

he’s very sweet and caring. he has a steady job and a car and a decent relationship with his family. he lives in a really clean apartment. he’s smart and we share many interests but are also quite different.

and he’s so cute. big mustache and he’s balding and he has big teeth! and he’s VERY hairy!

and he really likes me. so much he’s been nervous and it’s amazing.

it really feels like this could be a healthy adult relationship and i’m just so excited.

i’ve grown so much in the last 3 months since getting sober and it’s fucking cool.

plus i finally had sober sex! and it wasn’t weird, it was great :]

i’m just so happy these days. i can’t believe it. right before my birthday this year in january, i had one of the worst depressions of my life and felt close to suicide. 4 months later, i’ve been promoted at work, im going to the gym, eating so much better, getting better sleep ( besides tonight haha) and im dating in a healthy way for the first time in like over 6 years. im so proud of myself, and thankful that i have help and support.

yay!!!

today was annoying. and i couldn’t talk myself out of smoking a bit of weed, but i did talk myself out of drinking so that’s good. i forgot to take my meds and i’m tired and hungry. all the bad things. it’s just hard sometimes and i mean, at least i didn’t drink cos it crossed my mind extra long. it seems that around 2 months my strength starts to waver.

and today wasn’t really too bad. had to get up early, injured myself slightly at work, work was a bit difficult and then i got shorted tips. and i’m just so tired.

but i need to be grateful. not cos i should but cos it helps. and i am. i have so many wonderful things in my life, and the ball is only rolling up!

def think i’m feeling the effects of even delaying my meds by that few hours, and probably the weed now, has my edges frayed to the world more than it has been. but it’s gonna be okay. just gotta heal the wires a bit and try again.

i’m frustrated by a work situation and i’m annoyed cos i should feel happy.

i got the news today that they are finally gonna train me to be a server and it’s very exciting; but i can’t stop focusing on the first part of my conversation with my boss geno.

my coworker nick often talks to people aggressively and i think it’s inappropriate. it also tends to happen more often with women. i had an issue with him doing that and i got very angry and made it known it wasn’t okay.

geno kind of tried to turn it around on me, like nick was in the right because he was commenting on me like not doing my job how he thinks i should. but geno said he as my boss doesn’t have a problem with me and nick isn’t my boss.

idk. i think it was about him trying to keep the peace and mitigate any further problems but to me it was like “nick is gonna be that way you have to learn to deal with it” and fuck that.

why is it always the woman’s job to just take it. why can’t he change his fucked up behavior??

i’ve been dwelling on it all night when i should be happy. and honestly if i’m still thinking about it tomorrow i might need to talk to geno about it. cos it left a bad taste in my mouth.

i can admit that i’m not perfect at my job, but i’m just not okay with the implication that i have to put up with someone being disrespectful and aggressive with me at work. i just can’t accept that.

things have been better with nick, and honestly most of the time i get along with him just fine and i DO put up with bullshit from him. but sometimes it goes too far and i’m going to call that out.

i am excited about moving up in the world tho, and getting experience that will help me get a better job (pay wise) eventually. because it really is the best job i’ve ever had and regardless of these issues, i will miss it when the time to leave does come.

i’m super proud of myself. i’m almost two months sober, im going to the gym, im eating better, i’m happier on the regular. and now i’ve got a promotion technically, and it’s because i’ve been proving that i have changed from the mess i was a few months ago. and that’s amazing, and sort of scary. it does feel like my life has changed, and will continue too. it isn’t just a fluke. i am capable of being a functioning person, and i’m actually hopeful about my future for the first time in years. since the pandemic started.

it’s still hard to be a human, to be a live, but i know i can do it. and i WANT to do it. and that is so incredible.