Hello Heather!!!

Thank you for this incredibly kind note.

I'm glad our mods were able to help you in your teen years...and that you're living your best life now! Being a teenager is/was really rough; everything is still pretty much a whole new experience, but with the flavor of Adult Responsibilities and Confusion. I think I can speak on behalf of all the mods past and...present (?), that no one in need of help is annoying.

And while this blog definitely has not been active (with all our mods also living their best lives), I'm glad you reached out, anyway. It's really good to know that we got to help people somehow in some way.

I hope you and your significant other live very happy and loving lives together, through thick and thin. 💕

-Admin Clare

This is sort of an effect of the main problem: my mom is unable to watch my brothers, because my dad makes her work even if the conditions of her working would seem unethical to him if it were his other employees. In other words; my dad puts his business before his family. I’ve slowly had to watch my mom go from happy, to being so stressed she gets blood clots. (2/7) - Aether

I find myself having to watch the kids, console her when she breaks down crying, looks for solutions when she can’t see any, listen to her rants, and while I am perfectly fine doing that, the sole reason she is unable to drive due to stress-induced dizziness and nausea is my dad. (3/7) - Aether

I’ve tried so many times to talk to my dad! I’ve done it with facts and figures, I’ve done it calmly, I’ve done it with emotion, I’ve listened to his side and tried to present valid argument, I’ve unleashed hordes of bottled up emotion, and many combinations of all of those but he just won’t listen! (4/7) - Aether

(5/7) MISSING

Whenever I express a different viewpoint or “rebel” (Not bringing the trash bins into the garage) he says I’m disrespectful in a very angry and scary voice. For reference, my dad is about 6’1” and I’m 5’4”, and when my dad gets angry his face gets red and all his veins pop out, and leans over you and ask-yells things through gritted teeth, so this greatly scares me and I just sort of have to not show it. (6/7) -Aether

My dad also spends money irrationally, despite my mom asking him not to because we’re in debt and might lose our house, and we NEED money for my sister’s insulin (she has T1D). I just don’t know what to do. He won’t listen! I think I should get a job, but I don’t know what would happen to my brothers…or if I could mentally handle it yet. I just need advice. Help? Please? (7/7) - Aether

___

Aether, 

I’m going to be answering this out of character, unfortunately, but I hope you don’t mind. 

You’re doing so much, friend. You are not a parent and you shouldn’t have to be. You are not your mother’s keeper or confidant; you are her child. I’m so sorry you’re going through so much at such a young age. (Yes, 17 is young!)

I know that you’re seeking counsel from our friends here at HOH, but I think you should speak to an adult that you trust, whether it’s a family member or someone at school. I also think you do NOT need to juggle responsibilities that are meant for adults, both for taking care of your younger siblings to getting a job to help out with your financial problems.

It can be disheartening to seek advice and have someone go “Go speak to a trusted adult,” but I’m being genuinely serious. I don’t want you to get hurt by following my advice, but I do want you to get help that is much more tangible than what we have here. 

I’ve been in a similar situation to yours (except I did not have younger siblings to take care of...) and I can only tell you that you gotta just keep up your studies. Being able to obtain an education and finding a good job that would allow you to support yourself and, if you want, your family, is a good long-term goal to think about right now. I would advise you to take boundaries and stick to them. For example, this might mean that you need to step away from your mom before she starts to rant, while explaining that you are not an adult and shouldn’t be treated as such, when you’re her daughter. Remember that no matter how responsible and mature you are, you’re still technically an adult just yet. 

I am really hoping that you’re doing okay, friend. I would try to do as much self-care, research on taking care of your mental and physical health (like, yes, drinking water isn’t a cure, but staying hydrated helped a whoooole lot) as much as possible. I don’t know if you’re the studying type, but look into both colleges and technical schools to start planning your future. 

All the best,

Clare

n different country for education, so I’d have to fly there for a day or two. Now, I could have done that. It would have been very inconvenient, tiring and cost a lot of money (which fortunateky my family can afford), but I could have. I decided not to. I’ve never been to a funeral, but I heard they’re awful. I don’t need the closure, because I had to get that pretty early on to help my mother and sister with their grief. (Ath 2)

I think my grandmother would be fine with it too, she always wanted me to enjoy my life. My mother is okay with it, she actually didn’t expect me to come. But I still feel guilty, that I should have been there and that it makes me a terrible person that I wasn’t. We’re very close as a family, and I wonder if I was being selfish. I’m sorry for such long rant, but I really want to tell someone. (Ath 3/3)

___

To our dear friend Ath,

It has been many months since we’ve received your letter, and I’m sorry that we’ve not been able to console you the day of. Whether you went to your grandmother’s funeral or not...that matters very little.

There is no correct way to grieve a loved one and that includes going to a funeral or not. People have different reactions and thoughts in response to a sorrowful event such as what you’ve brought. It is not up to anyone else, save for yourself, to figure out how to best grieve and how to best carry yourself after.  

Ath, I hope you are doing well and carrying on in your studies. I believe that’s what your grandmother would have wanted, too. 

Please be well,

Frodo

You may want to try to resubmit them! We unfortunately have been rather busy here, but try sending them again. :)

Dearest Ciramdir,

We thank you for your kind words! HoH is glad that you find comfort in Tolkien’s world and with his characters as much as we do. We’re doing the best we can and to all our friends who have seen lack of activity on this blog, we apologize for our absence. We’ll be answering answering asks ASAP and we thank you for your patience with us.

All our love,

Frodo

K, my dear friend!

I am incredibly glad to hear from you. Congratulations on your two years at the library. It warms my heart to know that your eye is healing well. It is important that you keep yourself hale and hearty. 

It has been busy for all of us at the Houses of Healing, myself included. Who knew that mining would take up so much of my time? But it yields great treasures and even greater companions. We have been lucky that there’s no ‘purging’ of our admins’ blogs and our beloved HoH stands tall and resilient, much like yourself. :)

We look forward to reading more of your letters! We keep them safe in a little chest, to read when nights are cold and the wind blows into our bones on the mountains. (Despite roaring fires and warm furs!) 

Your friend,

Kili

It’s been a long journey for me and I just don’t know how to make them understand and accept it. Their attitude is frustrating and frankly quite hurtful. - Len 2/2

Dear Len,

Well met my friend. It is Glorfindel here. 

Faith as you may have found can be very personal. Faith is different for everyone and has a different meaning for one person to another. I am happy that you found and have put your faith in something that you believe in and feel good about. Being a Christian can give you meaning and there are different ways you can practise and integrate those believes into your life, being baptiste or not is again a very personal choice. 

I am sorry that your family does not believe you. There is a very big difference between them believing you and accpeting your faith. You may not believe someone or believe what that person believe in but you can still accept it. 

Would it perhaps help if you speak to them about how this makes you feel? You may need to speak to the people you feel closest to first. If you tell them that their behaviour hurts you and you have found comfort in your faith then hopefully that should show them what this means to you. 

It is very hurtful when people you love do not agree with what you have found and maybe even mock something that is important to you. I would urge to talk to them, perhaps maybe one on one but try to speak what you are feeling and that this is hurting you.

On the other hand, maybe they do not have to accept it. It is your life and your faith and it is very personal. If they don’t accept it, yes that is hurtful but it is your life and your choice If you have found comfort in your faith then that is all that matters. Remember you are responsble for your own happiness and that is that matters. 

I hope this answer help a little bit. 

best of luck

Glorfindel

(MaryG 2)I was very close to him and I was constantly worried about him and this impacted my job for obvious reasons. Until one evening, I get a call during my break from my mom that my granfather has just passed. The first thing I do is ask for permission to leave and my boss said no. Of course I am breaking down. This is the second time in my life I lost my dad. Later, word got to human resources and I was allowed to go. Now, this company claims to have a “put your people first” policy.

MaryG 3) So I ran home to my mom and stay with him until they came to take him away for the funeral. We stayed with him up all night, and the next day I have to rush back to work. Of course I am not at my best. And three days later, HR calls me in to tell me that they don’t think I’m good because I’m emotionally unstable (Hello?!) and they fired me. I am so sad and so angry and I am scared. I feel like I failed him and I am just glad he was not around to see me get kicked out.(MaryG 4) I feel betrayed and humilliated. I feel alone and lost. My life is in falling to pieces and I don’t know where to begin to pick them up. I am sorry about the rant. I just needed to let someone else know how I am feeling. This is not fair. I just had to say it.

Dear Mary,

My sincerest condolences on the passing of your grandfather, Any loss is hard and especially at such a time when your work does not treat you in a manner that befits a normal human being. Please do not apologize for ever come to us to talk. We are here for this reason as well.

Listening to how your work threated does not sound fair. I understand that there are certain policies in place with how many days they will allocate you when you lose someone but to be honest, you can never really put grief into days. Grief and loss affect us all different and nobody reacts in the same manner. 

I know that the timing is the worst that it can possibly be but look on it on this side. As this company treated you now in this manner during this time of loss would this really be a company that you would want to work for? 

It may not seem like it and your life may feel as though it has fallen apart please do not try to worry too much. A very dear person that has played a very big part in you life has passed away and life is not going to make sense for a while. Please alow yourself to adjust to this time and do not e angry.

Do things that make sense to you, be it crying, be it laughing. Talk to friends if that is what you feel like or if you feel like not doing that then please do so as well. That is fine. If you want to read then do so, if you want to sleep then do so as well. Just do what feels natural and take your time. 

You did not fail him! You worked hard but family is more important then a job. I am sure he would have wanted that you stay true to yourself and do not work for a company that does not value you if they do not understand that you need to spend time at home with family in such a sad time. 

Please allow yourself to feel what you feel and be kind to yourself. If you need to talk, we are here

Yours

Bard

Hello dear,I think there are a lot of potentially good reasons. It all depends on what you think is good, so I’ll offer a few choices:I’ve heard that many people realize that their problems are totally solvable. I think this is the case for most people and most problems. Killing yourself might seem like the solution right now but it’s not. Your problems can be solved. Your situation can get better. But that can only happen if you’re here.There are people who would miss you. Some of them might be people who depend on you. Some of them might be people you depend on now. Some of them might be classmates or coworkers or people who go to the same religious services you do. Some of them might be people here on the internet who will never know what happened but will always wonder. Some of them might be strangers that you see around town all the time, who will also never know what happened but will always wonder. Some of them might be your pets.Right now, you don’t know what your future life will include. Some of us are set on paths with an obvious destination from birth, but most of us are not. I borrow a friend’s computer to write these messages and this friend regularly tells me about all the things that have happened in her life that she never expected, sometimes even just a few months or weeks before they happened. And you know, many of those unexpected things have been good. There is only one of you in the world and there are things only you can bring to the world. I know sometimes it doesn’t seem that way. Society is harsh on us like that, making it seem like if we haven’t accomplished some huge thing by an incredibly young age then we have failed. But it’s not true and never has been true. Sometimes whatever it is we’re supposed to add to the world can only be added after a long wait, while we grow and learn and collect experiences. Maybe you’re feeling lost in life, like there’s no point, but there is. I would also encourage you to reach out for some professional crisis help. I’m just one person now, after all. If you’re in the US or Canada, there is a text-based crisis line here. I found a list of suicide hotlines around the world here. Wikipedia has a list of crisis help lines around the world too, here. You might even be able to find one that is specific to your situation and not just your country if you check that list.

I hope we can hear from you in the future and that you’re alright, friend. Please give those resources a look if you feel like you need more help -- even if you don’t think you need it right now.

Best,Aragorn

Dear one, 

We are very pleased to have been able to help you and to know that we have helped you. We are by no means professionals but we are glad that we may have been able to help you! We want to wish you the best and if you need anything or just for a chat, please come find us

Yours

admin Lauren

Dear friend, 

it is Bilbo here. That is a little bit of a pickle to be. But it is good that you realize this. I can understand that you do not wish to hurt her feelings but be prepared that she may still feel hurt and that it may impact your friendship, even if you do this with the best intentions. 

The key here is to be honest. Be honest about your feelings for her and speak from you as a person. Do not assume how she will feel or respond as you do not know this. I would suggest to talk to her face to face as soon as possible. That way, even if you still decide to go on this date then you can manage her expectations and that way she will know that you have different feelings for her then she does for you.

It may b ein the future that your feelings for her may change and that is okay. You may like her less or more or you may like her in a different capacity which is also fine. Also be prepared that she may be hurt and she may not want to see you for a while. And again that is okay. 

Feelings are complex and they will change over time and with circumstances. Just be patient and be honest and I am sure that everything will work out

Yours

Bilbo

Dear one, 

This admin Lauren here. We are sometimes busies then other times but I cannot really say how many asks we have right now. Please do reach out to us whenever you want, even if it is just for a chat that is fine as well :) We always welcome people getting in touch.

Admin Lauren

She dismissed other symptoms too, but that was the most triggering one. I’m sick and tired of everything being boiled down to “you were depressed one time and you’re a young woman so all this must be mental health issues.” I’ve pulled myself out of an eating disorder on my own, thank you very much, and I’d like people to stop underestimating me. (2/7)We went back and forth for a while and she finally said, “so, what do you want me to help you with today?” as if talking about UTIs never happened. I felt so helpless. Then she did a surprise pelvic exam. I’ve never had one before, but I thought I would be fine, as I know what happens and stuff. And she said she would definitely make sure to tell me what was going on since it was my first time. One second in, I was in some of the worst pain I’ve ever been in in my life. (3/7)She didn’t stop. She NEVER stopped or checked in, even though I was nearly screaming and crying and shaking uncontrollably and obviously in an immense amount of pain. I obviously did not want to continue. I obviously was revoking consent and only didn’t say no or push her away because I was in so much pain, and in shock, and in an extremely vulnerable position with someone who had already made me feel like I was going crazy. (4/7)When she left she had barely got the door closed before I started sobbing. She finally listened to me after my desperate rambling happened to tell her what she was somehow overlooking. When I got home wasn’t even sure if any of the symptoms I had felt were real, and I was useless for three days. But I keep invalidating myself thinking I should’ve actually said no, because I feel like if I said no, she would’ve stopped. She was so nice before and afterward. (5/7)And like I know someone can assault you and also act the nicest possible, but it’s still disconcerting. And I also find it hard to imagine anybody being as disturbed by this as I am. Like, doctors just have your best interest in mind so it’s fine for them to just do whatever the fuck they want to you, right?? And I know that’s not true, but that’s such a popular attitude, especially when it comes to women. (6/7)And I felt a lot of shame right after it happened because I felt like I was just a weak female and should’ve been able to take the pain. And now I have to go to a urogynecologist because I may have something more complex going on, and I may have to do another pelvic exam as well as any number of other unpleasant tests. I’m gonna schedule a counseling appointment beforehand, but it’s gonna be rough. -Ashley (7/7)

Mae g’ovannen Ashley,

My heart goes out to you, my dear. What you describe as happening at the doctors is truly a terrible thing to happen to anyone. As someone who has spent a great while studying the healing arts myself I am truly appalled by your doctor’s actions. I hope that you have had time to get some space from this experience and process what has happened to you.

I do not know if you have yet had your follow-up appointment. If you have, I truly hope that it went well for you, and that the urogynecologist was more understanding than your doctor. If not, may I advise that when you go to see them, you warn the person who is to do the exam and the tests about how you experienced a great deal of pain during your last examination, and you would like them to go slowly and stop if you ask them to. Scheduling an appointment with your councillor beforehand is also an excellent idea.

My dearest Ashley, I hope what has happened to you does not prevent you from ensuring you reach the treatments you need. However, you must not ignore the violated feelings you are having now, for they are truly valid. Do you have a way to change doctors or see a different person next time? And do not be afraid to make demands of your medical professionals - if they are truly professional they will listen to what you need, both for your mental and physical health.

I wish you speedy healing in all things. And I want you to know that you are so very brave, and I am proud of you for looking after yourself so well. Please continue to care for yourself so gently and thoroughly, and do not let anyone stop you from doing so.

Your friend,Elrond

(2/2-🎄) he kept kissing me and holding me even though I was really uncomfortable with it. I managed to leave but I kept avoiding him for the rest of the night. I told a couple of people about what happened but I dont know if I should’ve. He was probably pretty drunk to so that’s why he was doing what he was doing. I have really bad anxiety so I dont know what to do about the situation

Dear one,

This is Tauriel here! Please do not feel guilty about ever saying no if someone does somethign that you do not want them to do! You can say no at any time! Consent should be given freely and can be taken back at any time! 

If for whatever reason you were not or no longer comfortable with what he was doing and you wanted to leave that is okay. It is okay if you changed your mind and did not want to continue.

 It was not okay that he kept holding you back when you wanted to leave. It doesn’t matter if he was drunk or not, that really doesn’t matter. Neither does it matter that you had a few drinks because you are always allowed to change your mind. 

I understand that you feel anxious but please take a deep breath. You have nothing to apologize for. Please do not feel bad for telling people. If you feel the need to share your experience then please do so. It would only hurt you more if you had kept it bottled up. Also if you feel that you did not want to be around him any longer, then is absolutely okay. You have to do what feels best for you. 

You have done nothing wrong! Please remember that! You did not feel comfortable and wanted to leave that situation and that is okay! you are allowed to change your mind and to leave! 

If you feel the need to talk we have resources available that you can reach out! 

I am here for you my dear

Yours

Tauriel