Late Night Emo Girl Thoughts

My best friend told me that I dumb myself down to match the energy of the guys I date. They’re boring. They don’t have ambition. They’re just tolerating me. They flaunt me around like I’m a trophy, and when they’re done, they put me back on the shelf until they need to be this exquisite peacock again. 

My needs and wants are never met. Something as small as “can you please acknowledge that you have a girlfriend?” was like pulling teeth. If I wanted to go out and have fun, it took so much convincing. Or I would have to pay for everything. The only thing I was ever good for was sex. Because I was convenient. And I thought that if I had sex with these people, they would love me. But it was never me that they loved.  I thought if I stopped talking about my ambitions, my hopes, my dreams, everything I wanted, maybe I would be able to be more like these people I was with. Maybe they would find me more relatable. Maybe they’d feel better about being with me. Maybe they would love me. 

So I began to lose myself. I wouldn’t tell anyone what kind of music I liked. I wouldn’t tell anyone what my favorite movie was. I wouldn’t say what my hobbies were or the food I like to eat. I became the most watered-down version of me I could. I became the perfect mold for these men to work with. 

As I lost myself, I was so hoping that someone would love me. Because who wouldn’t love someone that became exactly what they wanted? I began going out of my way to make people happy, just hoping that someone would notice. Or care. Or even love me. I wanted more than anything for someone to love me, I was willing to do anything I had to. 

I beat myself down to practically nothing because I wanted to hold on to these people who didn’t care about me. I wanted to be in their lives even if that meant embarrassing myself. I blew up their phones, I said stupid things, all because I was terrified of losing people in my life. But they were never even there to begin with. 

These people just wanted to claim they had an Asian girlfriend. I was just a fetish to be checked off. I was never seen as a human, yet I was willing to give these people everything. 

how’s one to know, i’d live and die for moments that we stole on begged and borrowed time

Hi Everyone

As you know, we have a global pandemic going on. I am a theatre student and I’m graduating with my BFA in December. However, I don’t know if the theatre industry will be coming back. 

This has caused me a lot of anxiety about the future, as I have a significant amount of loans and I’m not sure if I’ll even be able to get a job in this field for a while. 

What careers do you all work in and what makes it fun? I’m thinking of changing my career path because I would like to be doing something with my life. 

For anyone concerned, I’ll still be trying to get work in theatre, but I don’t know right now when that might be possible, and I cannot afford to live without a job. 

So I started watching Grey’s Anatomy during quarantine and I’m so mad that I didn’t start this show earlier

Frozen on Broadway

Frozen on Broadway just announced their permanent closing on Broadway. 

To some, this isn’t a big deal. “There will be a revival”, “it’ll go on tour”, “it’ll be fine”. All things I’ve heard. And while these things may be true, you truly do not understand what this means for the live entertainment industry. 

Disney decided that this show cannot run anymore. Disney had money. If such a huge company like this cannot afford to keep a show open, what about all the smaller shows? What happens to them?

I’m going to graduate with a BFA in Stage Management. My entire career depends on the theatre industry being alive and well. There are millions of actors, directors, musicians, designers, technicians, etc. who are out of work. Our industry will not be coming back the same way that every other one will. 

We cannot have jobs if no one comes to see our shows. If people don’t feel that it’s safe to be around 500+ other people at one time, we don’t have an industry. Shows don’t stay open if we only sell at 40% capacity. Shows won’t stay open if we only sell a percentage of tickets and bump up prices. No one will come see them. 

Telling me that theatre is going to be the same is a boldfaced lie. I know that it won’t be the same. And as someone who accumulated a lot of debt dedicating 4+ years of school to my craft, I am scared. I don’t know what I’m going to do if the industry doesn’t come back. 

How do you tell everyone that you want to give up everything you ever did in college for something totally new?

I get to stage manage #HeathersTheMusical this fall. How very.

@taylorswift I have an idea for a MV that I REALLY want to share with you just because I want creative feedback from you

Seriously...

Hello everyone, 

Recently I decided to address questionable behavior by someone I was close with, which did not go over well. This is something that I wanted to bring to light for a while now, and I finally did. This person was extremely unreceptive to the fact that I addressed this behavior, and rather than defending the case and explaining what was actually happening, their response was to tell me to stop talking to them and about them. 

While this is perfectly okay because this person is toxic and being involved with them was severely detrimental to my own mental health, the way that this was handled and responded to astonishes me. Telling me to sit down and shut up because you want to cover up the truth without actually defending yourself is not okay. Just because you do not want to face the fact that you’re in the wrong, does not mean you get to silence me. 

I am doing nothing but simply living my life. I spoke to my friends about what happened. I am not going to sit by and let inappropriate behavior happen when I know I can stop it. I don’t mind that I made an enemy out of someone, but I absolutely refuse to let them silence me because they can’t face the consequences. 

Here’s a collection of some of my favorite sunset pictures