The 11th emoji in your history is now your cutie mark ๐๏ธ
hey donโt cry. spiro the bald eagle failing at catching a crab, okay?
Frodoโs a nepo baby when you think about it but like for sucky things. Thatโs your uncleโs evil ring? Thatโs your uncleโs wizard that took you on an adventure? Thatโs your uncleโs feud with a homicidal gremlin man thatโs after your uncleโs ring? Great
"no you're wrong everyone here knows that jkr is a terf but they hate us / don't care" my gay psychiatrist who specializes in lgbt patients needed me to explain to him what a "terf" was. another counselor i saw whose brother is gay and works in the transfem community had a harry potter mug on her desk. the political beliefs of a british fantasy book author are not high on american news priorities. please be real. your knowledge is specific and not world-shattering in the scheme of things. venture outside your bubble for 5 minutes and talk to someone who isn't a white queer in their 20s.
Why is anon switched off?
So that people cannot send me asks anonymously, but instead have to be their "real self," which is to say as an anime avatar that is the backup to the backup of their real blog, which is itself a blog that nobody in their IRL world knows about.
this seems self-centered you know โstereotypical American bsโ but Iโm curious
I could have lived in peace (stayed warm in my bed) but my enemies (job that pays my bills) brought me war (e-mails i have to respond to)
Tried to caw back at a crow but he just looked at me like Iโd insulted his mother
petition to bring back saying "huzzah!" when something goes your way and "alas." when it doesn't
in hindsight, pitching something that would be deemed a fair bit strange by some standards to a site teeming with already incredibly strange people was a mistake. apologies tumblr users iโd forgotten where i was
[ID: tags that say, "who doesn't do this". End ID]
Imagine if you had a neighbour who keeps performing songs from Phantom of the Opera in his apartment every night, by himself but accompanied by a parrot, which he has taught to sing Christine's part. Admittedly it's kind of obnoxious but you are far too baffled to even be properly annoyed. And also you don't want to confront someone with that kind of power and determination. So every once in a while you just hear this guy dramatically bellow
[ASTONISHINGLY HIGH-PITCHED PARROT SHRIEK]
I'm so sorry I had to it was haunting me
hwat do we think gamers. good fit or too early 2000s?
im going home to change immediately.
HWY ARE YOU GUYS STILL FUCKIGN SPREADING THIS. I DOTN LOOK LIKE THE ONCELER IM GOIGN TO CHOP UR DIKC OFF AND MAKE A SHITTY SECONDRATE NEW YORK HOT DOG WIHT IT. AND IT WONT SELL FOR ANYTHING HIGHER HTAN 50 CENTS. THAT'S HOW BAD YOUR DICK IS
I HOPE THE NEXT TIME YOU CATCH HTE BUS YOU CAN'T FIND THE CHANGE FOR A TICKET SO YOU JUST HAVE TO SIT HTERE AND HOLD EVERYONE UP AS YOU DIG IN YOURE FUCKIGN POCKETS FOR THE RIHGT AMOUNT OF MONEY. AND THEN THE BUS MOVES BEFORE YOU CAN SIT DOWN SO YOU STUMBLE A LITTLE ADN THE OLD MAN AT THE BACK LOOKS AT YOU JUDGEMENTALLY SO YOU HURRY TO FIDN A SEAT AND WHEN YOU SIT DOWN THERE'S GUM. ON IT. AND YOU HAVE TO WALK AROUND ALL DAY WITH FUCKIGN GUM ON YOUR ASS LIKE A LOSER and also your bus crashes
You look like a combination ofthese 2.
Op you look like a humanized twink version of bill cipher i would've drawn in middle school but red themed
If alastor was an emo 2000s kid
first day as a second century warlord i have my men tie branches to their horsesโ tails to stir up dust and make it look like thereโs a lot of us but i forget it just rained so there isnโt any dust and the enemy can clearly see thereโs like twenty of us all spread out in a line
second day as a second century warlord i bribe a bunch of kids to start singing a nursery rhyme i carefully crafted to spread misinformation and further my strategic ends but they change the lyrics to be about poop and the enemy isnโt misdirected at all
third day as a second century warlord i lure my enemy into a narrow valley and send a team of archers to shoot them from the high ground but there was a feral hog napping on the trail up to the overlook and they couldnโt decide whether to try and shoot it or just go around and by the time the hog woke up and left on its own the enemy had already passed safely below
fourth day as a second century warlord we attempt to join a battle on the side of the guy we want to ally with but he and the guy heโs fighting have really similar names and itโs finally dusty and i misread the standards and attack the wrong guy. so now weโre stuck with this total loser of a liege lord, because how the fuck do you explain that after a battle?
fifth day as a second century warlord and some sort of wizard wanders into camp, my loser liege lord wants to execute him for being a wizard but i convince him to let the wizard stay, because i want to do more weather-based strategies and iโm pretty sure having a camp wizard can help with that. after the welcome to the team banquet the wizard steals half the treasury and my liege lordโs wife and leaves
sixth day as a second century warlord my loser liege lord sends me to reinforce a city heโs taken, but in the confusion of leaving i forgot to take the token that would have gotten us into the city, so my men have to wait outside the city walls for like eight hours while i ride back to get it
seventh day as a second century warlord and my loser liege lord finally joins me in the city, it turns out heโs actually a pretty cool guy, and he isnโt even that mad at me for letting the wizard steal his wife. i decide to shoot my shot but iโm really nervous and keep on stalling because what if i mess up our relationship and by extension jeopardize the security of my men, and eventually he just says goodnight and goes back to his room, where an assassin is in the process of setting up to kill him
eighth day as a second century warlord and my loser liege lord tells me to fake defect to his rival warlord, the one i originally wanted to ally with, to find out if he was the one who sent the assassin and why. but my whole way over to the rival warlord iโm worried that this has something to do with the wizard thing or how awkward i made it last night
ninth day as a second century warlord i try to tactfully ask my fake liege lord if he sent the assassin to kill my loser liege lord and it turns out the idea of using assassins never occurred to him, but now that iโve suggested it heโs really into it. in order to save my loser liege lord i volunteer to be the one to kill him
tenth day as a second century warlord on my way back to my loser liege lordโs city i realize i wonโt be able to collect my men from my fake liege lord until i bring back my loser liege lordโs head. this would have been a great thing to think of before i got myself in this situation. i go back to my loser liege lord and ask him to rescue my men, and he tells me that if he could sack my fake liege lordโs camp he already would have. that doesnโt change the fact that my men are still trapped. theyโre prisoners, even. i go back to my room to sulk
eleventh day as a second century warlord i find a little caged pigeon in the rafters of my loser liege lordโs room and deduce it belonged to the assassin. without asking permission or telling my loser liege lord goodbye i let the pigeon loose and follow it north. donโt ask what i was doing in my loser liege lordโs room. itโs not important
twelfth day as a second century warlord i disguise myself as a wizard and enter the camp of the coalition leader the pigeon led me to. in the middle of my little sleight of hand performance i make eye contact with the coalition leaderโs second-in-command. ITโS THE WIZARD THAT STOLE MY LOSER LIEGE LORDโS WIFE. after the banquet i corner the fake wizard and ask him what the fuck is going on and he just says โwouldnโt you like to knowโ and leaves. i donโt know what to say to that so i just let him go
thirteenth day as a second century warlord iโm honestly so sick of not knowing whatโs going on, so i adjust my wizard costume to passably disguise myself as a woman and break into the womenโs area of the camp, where sure enough my loser liege lordโs wife is. i ask her what sheโs doing here and she tells me the fake wizard overheard her singing a poem she overheard on the street, not knowing it contains the coalition leaderโs formationโs weaknesses. the fake wizard kidnapped her and assigned an assassin to kill her husband before they figured out the poemโs significance. she shares the first couplet with me but iโm discovered and thrown out before she can share any more. she doesnโt need to. through a bizarre coincidence of homophones, itโs the poop version of my misinformation nursery rhyme
fourteenth day as a second century warlord i go back to my loser liege lord and tell him everything, urging him to join with my fake liege lord to attack the coalition leader according to the weaknesses in the nursery rhyme. he tells me frankly that he doesnโt trust me anymore. i ask him to execute me if thatโs really true, because i canโt bear to live if i canโt protect him and i canโt protect my men. he agrees to attack the coalition leader
fifteenth day as a second century warlord. due to the information in the nursery rhyme, and thanks to my loser liege lord reminding me of the weather conditions multiple times while planning our battle strategy, our alliance carries the day. my loser liege lord gets his wife back. my men tell me that our fake liege lord actually treated them really well and theyโd like to stay with him if i donโt mind. i do mind, now that neither the men i love nor the man i love have any use for me, but i donโt tell them that
sixteenth day as a second century warlord iโm preparing to leave to i donโt know where, maybe to try to become a wizard for real, when my loser liege lord stops me and asks me where iโm going. he says he had hoped i would continue to work as his advisor. i was unaware i was his advisor in the first place. i agree, and he tells me heโs truly honored to have me in his service at last. he has known i am a rare and talented man with a strategic intelligence far above his ever since the day he witnessed me tying branches to my horsesโ tails in six inches of mud, and could not for the life of him figure out why
Critical background info on our beloved second century warlord
[ID: a post by OP that says โjesus christ whereโd all these people reading my silly little warlord post come from.โ They reblogged it and said โanyways iโm glad so many people like my warlord guy, his name is huang mi (styled yuzhi) and heโs like that all the time. he has a big scar on his thigh from fucking up a sword dance. he hates getting wet and has never owned or sought to own an umbrella. his favorite color is orange, but his men didnโt want to wear that color so now their uniforms are red but itโs not like he minds that much right itโs just a uniform just a stupid uniform. whatever. he has a recurring nightmare where he keeps on misspelling his own name, and he wakes up screaming every time. with his advice his lord has never lost a battle.โ End ID]
OH MY GOD I NEEDED THIS
For the chronically anxious and/or otherwise mentally ill:
This is not a screamer, jumpscare, or any other kind of horror link I donโt know the name of. It will not cause you to question reality and as far as Iโm aware, there is no reason it should cause any kind of hallucinations or psychosis. I donโt want to spoil the surprise because itโs DELIGHTFUL but I am happy to tell you itโs very sweet and gentle and also great lowkey stress relief. This is a cinnamon roll link appropriate for all ages (yes, all the way down to babies) and you will enjoy it if you click it. โค๏ธ
This makes me so happy
These booking.com ads are suuuuuper effective against me.
I am weak, I am weak
It's my 13 year anniversary on Tumblr ๐ฅณ
My blog is officially a teenager