((I unfollowed everyone, don’t take it personally.  Feel free to unfollow as well, this blog and muse have and are going under a revamp and I’m clearing out mostly everything and starting over. 

If you wish to interact with this muse in the further, hit me up. 

That’s all! 

(( OOC; 

debating if i should clean up this blog and come back to tumblr. or start new e___e ji’s had a major revamp and he’s on twitter but i want to do more for him but im also lazy.  laughs. 

Journal || Self Para

Horrible. Horrible. Horrible. 

What if...? || Self Para

Night had fallen long ago, the time reading 11PM on his watch. It wasn’t strange that Jiyong would leave the house and go for night walks along their property in the middle of the night. But it was when he knew he wasn’t safe. 

And he knew he wasn’t. 

He was never alone, though. Kyrie flew around above him while Moshi prowled along side him. Strange beasts to have as pets, but he loved them all the same. The ground squished underneath his boots, wet from the rain that came earlier and the air cold and piercing as he inhaled deeply. The male wasn’t sure what compelled him to come out tonight, eyes darting around the forest as his mind wandered to that strange tug he felt earlier in his home. 

Entry #13

12/22/2017  1:07PM

I miss you.  You’re here in my grasps, but I’m constantly missing you. You’re so far away from me and I feel as if my efforts are being thrown aside, going to waste. 

Are they not enough? 

Am I not enough...? 

It’s stupid of me to think like this because you wouldn’t be here, stringing me along if you didn’t care for me. But there is something terribly wrong. A drift, a disconnect....

We’re fragile. 

And I’m trying so desperately not to stomp around, not to step in a shard as I slowly try to pick up what has fallen. Because let’s be real here for a second, things have. It doesn’t mean it can’t be carefully mended with a little bit of attention, a little bit of TLC, but I can’t do it alone. I can’t be the only one quietly screaming, I shouldn’t feel afraid. I can’t say who’s at fault, maybe no one. Though, I feel I honestly pushed you over the edge and suddenly you weren’t available and everything just spiraled from there on out. But I’m trying to fix it, I’m trying to piece it back. 

Time just isn’t on my side. 

I just want to hold your hand.  I crave your attention.  I want to feel your lips against mine.  I yearn for your affection.  I want to be wrapped up in you once more.  Skin to skin, heart to heart. 

Because we’re so out of sync and it’s killing me. 

Entry #12

11/6/2017 11:15PM 

It’s been quiet for a few days and when I’m sitting here in the silence of my home. I’ve become highly aware of the clock that hangs in the kitchen. There are no kids laughing and screaming at this hour, there is no fiancé sweet talking me tonight to drown out the horrid sound. It never used to bother me, I used to never pay attention to it. It was just background noise, something that became a part of my day like the sound of my children running around or the sound of my heart beating. But now I’ve become sensitive to it, I can’t stop myself from thinking and overthinking while I’m alone. I’m suddenly overwhelmed by the onslaught of thoughts of my existence and what purpose I have here. 

I seem to have lost my way.

I am frozen. 

Frozen in time and I can’t move forward nor can I move back. The clock is a reminder of the forever that I am cursed with, with the entities (now one) that were shoved into my body and a life that I did not ask for. I had come to terms with it, I came to terms with it long ago. But it still doesn’t change that it, at times, floats around in my mind as something that ‘could have been.’ Immortality sounded great growing up, thinking of all the things I could do and discover and be if I could live forever. I could travel, say that I lived through this and that. But then I made friends, I fell in love, a few times, and the thought of having a mortal being as my partner crippled me. How was I, this creature, supposed to live on without the one I loved right next to me? Without the joys of friendship, the comfort of my family? I became too aware and I suddenly didn’t like the idea of having Micah and Adrian dwelling within me. I no longer wished to have this strange life of mine and the urge to destroy myself became even stronger when the love of my life was tortured and killed in front of me. How was I supposed to live? I no longer wanted to exist and I thought of every possible way to rid of the entities that kept me alive. Thankfully he was saved in time at the hospital, but the images of his life being ripped from him will forever haunt me. Always and forever.

I’ve always thought about how it would feel like to be human. As silly as it may sound, the thought never leaves me alone, not completely. It’s only when I’m sitting in the kitchen, the clock ticking away that I start to wonder when did things get like this? I want to be able to bleed without the wound closing up in seconds, I want to endure the pain of breaking a bone, scratches and love bites. I want to die before my kids do. But as I think about these things I begin to realize how utterly pathetic I would be without Micah. I don’t rely too much on my abilities, but they have become second nature to me that I don’t realize that I’m using them. I’m not sure how long I would last with simple tasks. It makes me sad thinking about a life without my angel, without his nagging, and quiet encouragements to get me through the day. I don’t think I would be much of anything, because I don’t feel like I am. I used to feel like I had some sort of significance, but now I’m not so sure. There is always a problem, a battle with the other world and it wouldn’t be this way if I weren’t who I am. My family wouldn’t be bothered, I wouldn’t feel threatened and attacked daily, and I would feel safe if I had this ignorance to me.

But I don’t. I am forever stuck with this blessing and this curse. I will forever watch the world move forward and progress while I never change. I will watch my friends come and go, die naturally or dramatically. And I will forever be stuck with the desire to feel the sweet release of death.

….I really shouldn’t allow myself to be left alone.

[!] UPDATE [!]

ooc; 

This blog is now on indefinite hiatus. If you wish to contact us, find us on aim because I am always there. Finding motivation to be on this blog was hard, so I will leave it for a bit. I may hop on to do a self para to help development wise, but other than that no rping will be done here. 

I apologize to those I had threads with and were waiting a long ass for me. It was me, not you so please don’t think you did something wrong. I just suck. 

Ight. I’m out.