Welcome home ❤️ Moving forward is scary, change is scary, but the fact I’ve even done this and managed the whole moving process is a sign I have progressed. I have made steps. Each night at dinner I consciously make choices to Allow myself to grow. Each night I prep my lunch, I try with all my might to stop being that broken record.

In light of all this change, I thought it may be wise to refer myself back to services to ensure I stay on track. Long story short, the whole “quick reacccess within 6 months is a load of codswallop, GP appointment wasn’t available for 5 weeks and my diabetes team have gone AWOL. So it’s time to be my own support system. Long overdue time perhaps. I can I can I can. Keep saying until it happens. I have to try.

Do I go to graduation?

I don’t want to go. There, I said it. I don’t want to go back to Exeter and put on the gown and the smile for a photo and stage walk. I want to move on. This week, I received my offer (PLACE) at Bath Spa for a PGCE and I want to go forward with that in mind. I will graduate from my PGCE and I want to make that my “gown and smile” moment.

I have so many regrets about Exeter, how anorexia dominated and where I found myself, but I can’t change that. There were silver linings too and o am managing to hold onto them. @between-the-silent-pages is a huge one, and the newspaper and getting to write about a Roald Dahl for my dissertation! But I feel going back will conjur more bad memories than good.

The hold back? My family. When I confided to mum, she was devastated to think I might only be doing it for them; in the same conversation, however, she brings up how it’s a family day and reminds me how they supported me through the decree. In other words, I owe it to them. I’m so conflicted. She says I need to stop dithering and make a decision, yet that’s very hard when I know she s obviously disagrees with the choice I want to make. She says I’ll regret it; what about when my kids ask me about graduation and I don’t have the photo?

But that’s all it is. A photo. I will STILL graduate, that’s a fact. And if I’ve learnt one thing from the last few years, it’s that appearances and reality are VERY different. Putting on a smile isn’t happiness, just as taking a photo doesn’t make something real. You have to live it.

Here is the other crux: medication. I’m currently on the tapering over stage with venlafaxine-fluoxetine and I’ve extended the final stage of venlafaxine for 2 weeks. I couldn’t do it. The withdrawal was so bad I felt my head was exploding. My anxiety is at a point where I find my heart racing from the slightest thing, panic about the littlest changes and the prospect of graduating in this state, mentally handling being back in Exeter... I can’t do it. I can’t.

But I feel not doing so will risk devastating my family, who have moved heaven and earth in recent years. What do I do?

I had a few messages asking if I could share some of my recent makes, so I am socking it to self-doubt and posting 💙 I am currently switching over my meds and safe to say it’s not fun. I wish my GP had been more transparent about how difficult the current ones are to come off, before I went on them to start with, as given they lost efficaicy last year i didn’t really have much choice. I’m currently at the sticky point where I’m on a very low dose of this one, but not yet able to start the new one.

I feel so very foggy and my anxiety is an all time high. I have my tutoring and reading assistant jobs alongside volunteering, so I’m out most days and I just about manage - but it’s scary how out of it I can feel. I pray it passes soon but I just thought I’d pop in and have a little ramble. It’s likely no one hears anymore, but I’m home alone with my parents/Millie at the emergency vet (we think she’s got something in her paw) and am literally shaking with worry. Need any distraction, so I’m going to watch question time and crochet! Hope you’re okay if you’re reading. You are stronger than you know. Always 💙

I’ve found a new favourite capuccino spot in town with the heavenliest soya froth (plant based cafe, so they know their stuff!) it’s the little things

Do I still deserve help?

I was discharged nearly two months ago, after being with services for nearly 4 years. 3 admission, CBT, I’ve been given so much support and I feel ashamed to say I’m not “recovered” yet. My head says ‘I should be recovered’. My head says I ‘should be’ living.

In some ways, I am so far from where I was. I have a part time reading assistant job - one day a week. I volunteer at a school another day and do tutoring too, which judging by the latest mock seems to be going well! That was such a confidence boost. The other days I work on my Etsy small business and that’s also going well - better than I ever imagined.

I’ve also found a POSITIVE community through Instagram (not Ed’s/recovery but makers and fellow potterheads!) it’s the power of social media for good and it’s helped my mental health like no other. I recently took part in “March meet the maker” too, which was amazing for my mental health/sense of self-worth. People engaged, people supported, people “got me.” That’s what I needed all through uni and rarely found. People who “got me” and I see how that impacted me.

So yes, those positives. But in other moments (trigger warning - not that anyone listens.)

I just continually retrench to old habits with eating. I fall into the “comfort blanket” of blood sugar predictability when I cut things out, get so repetitive with what I eat and times. Delay things until later in the day because I get into the trap of numbness - not feeling, because feeling means coping and I can’t cope on my own. There, o said it, I can’t cope. I think It was too soon to discharge - it was suggested by my CPN, not me and I’m not sure my diabetes team will be too happy when they find out (next week at my appointment). I have up to 6 months quick reaccess and I don’t know if they expect me to use it? Almost as “part of” treatment, having that break to reconsider my motivations/goals.

If that’s the case, it’s definitely reaffirmed what I DO believe will help. What I want to really fight for this time, as I’ve asked for it before and it always falls through. PRACTICAL support. Working with an OT, going out for food, buying a meal deal, planning for a working life/uni (I am determined to start my PGCE in September, likely Bath Spa).

But I’m slipping. Edit, I have slipped. Today was the first weekday in weeks that I forced myself to make a proper lunch, aka meal food and not snacks. I’ve fallen into snacks, things I can just grab because I hate how obsessive and ritualistic I get when I prepare meals. I hate myself for it so I avoid it. But I know I can’t. I can’t keep saying “tomorrow.” So today I said today and had lunch AND afternoon snack, not merging things together and haven’t cut out anything else. Because exchanges don’t work. I need gains. I haven’t been weighed in weeks, no bloods in weeks, but I know both of those things need checking - even if no one is telling me to. I need to take personal responsibility for my mental health just as I do everyday for my diabetes. I need to find my own strength, somehow, and stop being the broken record. I need to do this for SOPHIE

Raising money for #SockItToEatingDisorders - with a lil’ help from our favourite FREE Elf 💙