why do people say “don’t be a pussy” when talking about weakness more like “don’t be a man’s ego” because you know there isn’t nothing more fragile than that

uh 

because “pussy” is the shortened form of the word “pusillanimous”, which means “timid, cowardly”

and not the slang word for the female genital region?

literally no one else knows this. nobody. 

WHAT

Sensational.

Remarkable.

it’s a real word

you: pussy

me, an intellectual: pusillanimous

The Fairly OddParents: Channel Chasers

Best idea ever

Peanuts, May 15, 1953

Fight Song [Calum]

Part 3 Part 1

The next morning I woke up and Nick was gone. Where he layed in bed was just a cold space of 500 thread cotton sheets. I sat up and stretched looking around the dim room. I could feel my muscles wake up all throughout my body and I smacked my lips a couple of times to get them wet. I looked over to see a note on the night stand that must have been from Nick. I picked it from it’s place on the table and read it.

“Had to make an split second trip to New York. I didn’t want to wake you up. Make sure to lock up when you leave and call me when you wake up. Love you, N”

I sighed and looked over at the alarm clock. It read quarter-past ten. I crumbled up the note and threw it in the wastebasket in the bathroom. I really didn’t want to call him because odds are he probably wouldn’t pick up anyway so I just shot him a quick text. I grabbed my belongings and called for a driver to bring me back home. Once I was at my flat, I went right upstairs to take a shower and rinse away all of last night.

Just as I pulled off my robe to step in the hot shower, My phone started to vibrate with Calum’s name on the screen. I picked up and swiped the arrow right putting in on speaker phone. “Hey, Calum! What’s up?”

“Hey! I just wanted to give you a call and see if you were still thinking about stopping by the studio today. It would be cool to see an A-lister on set with us. Maybe even make a cameo?” Calum said with hopefully wishing.

With a chuckle, I hoped up onto the cold bathroom counter and picked at my nail. “That sounds like fun but i’m gonna have to put on a hat and some glasses because being seen with a band like you might hurt my image.” I said sarcastically.

“That’s not very nice!” I heard Ashton whine in the background. I chuckled and told them that I would see them later.

I climbed back into the shower and washed up before pulling on a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt. I threw on my glasses and let my hair down. Considering last night I had a full face of makeup and a up do, I wanted to be natural for once. I was excited because I loved making music videos and creating new things. I climbed into the car and gave the driver the address that Calum sent me. I was so excited I couldn’t help but tap my fingers in anxiousness.  

When I pulled up to the spot, it was just a normal house with a lot of props and equipment spread throughout the front yard and the garage. People were peppered everywhere and when I saw Ashton and Calum outside of the garage on their phones. I thanked my driver and grabbed my bag before stepping out and running up to the two boys. Out of nowhere, Michael came outside and ran to me and engulfed me in a hug. Considering I’m only 5’3 I was easily crushed by his six foot structure. Ashton, Michael, and Calum came back over to me and gave me hugs just like Michael.

“Thanks for inviting me here guys. What exactly is the whole plan here?” I asked, referring to the house.

“It’s for our new song call Hey Everybody and it’s basically just a house that we’re going to mess up and do stupid shit in.” Michael said with a mouth full of sandwich.

“That’s pretty cool. Where would I fit in in all of this?” I asked.

“You’re going to be an extra in the very last scene. It’s like a party in the street and there will be costumes and there will be dancing and a whole lot of fun.” Luke answered this time.

Some one on the managing team of the set came over and told the boys that we were going to get started in just a little bit and they needed last minute fittings with Calum and Ashton. I smiled at Luke as he stepped closer to me, his hands shoved into his pockets and he looked kind of awkward.

“I want to talk about last night. Are you okay? I heard the conversation with you and Calum and he looked really worried and I know Nick was acting a little, I don’t know, abusive.” He said quietly.

I tucked a piece of hair behind my ear and looked down at my shoes. “Yeah, I’m - uh, I’m fine. It was just a rough night for him.” I said rubbing my arm. I winced from the sharp pain I felt from the bruises that Nick left.

My stomach growled loudly and I looked up at the two boys. “Have you eaten today, Y/N?”

I shook my head now and looked away. “Haven’t had much of an appetite, anyway.” I answered honestly.

“Nonsense, I can order you a sandwich or even make one if you’d like. I don’t mind!” Michael offered draping an arm around my shoulders but his hand rubbing against a bruise.

“I’ll be okay, I promise. Anyways about this song…” I changed the subject because I didn’t want them to dig into it anymore and I also wanted to just forget about everything that happened last night and focus on the fun that was ahead for today.

We worked on that video for hours and honestly I had forgotten about everything that had happened last night. I was laughing and I was absolutely carefree like I had no weight on my shoulders. I even got to meet Liz, Luke’s mother, and boy was she so nice! It was like I was talking to my own mother. She asked me what it was like being famous and a female and asked me about some of her favorite dresses I had worn for awards shows.

My conversation was cut short with Liz when my phone began to ring. I looked to see that it was actually Nick who was calling me. I silently cursed myself for not touching base with him basically at all today and new that as soon as I answered his call I was in for a rude awakening. I excused myself and stepped outside before accepting the call.

“Hello?” I said.

“Why the hell haven’t you answered the phone, Y?N? I gave you a clear demand. To call me when you woke up and what the fuck do I get? A text!? Where are you?” He shouted into the phone. I had to hold the phone away from my ear because he was so loud. I also didn’t know that Michael had followed me out and eavesdropped the whole conversation.

“I’m sorry, Nick. My phone died and I had to put on the charger. I’m out with my friends right now.” I said quietly trying not to bring any attention to me.

“When I call, you answer. That’s how it’s going to be. I don’t care if I’m in another state or in another damn country. Do you hear me?” He said sternly. “Oh and if you think that eating tub of ice cream in the freezer, reconsider because I don’t want to lose the title of ‘Hollywood’s Hottest Couple’ because you get upset over something stupid.” He said right before hanging up the phone.

I couldn’t help but completely fall apart right where I stood. I wanted to run away and hide for the rest of my like. As I was falling to the floor, Michael was there to swoop me up and hold me close to him. He pet my hair and said soothing words to me to try and calm me down but there was no use. “I don’t understand why you’re with him. You’re so much better than him. You deserve a million times better.” Michael said in disbelief.

I wanted to believe him, I really did, but Nick was right. I could devour a whole container, maybe even three at the moment, and i’m the one who would ruin the image we created together over the past years. Everything is my fault and it will always be. I’m ugly, i’m fat, and i’m a bag of potatoes next to Nick. If i’m not good enough for him then i’m not good enough for anyone.

–

Michael helped me clean up and brought me back to the street where we were ready to film the big float scene. There was every kind of contraption that you could think of was sticking out from all over the float. Lights, twirly things, feathers, anything you name it was on that float. At the top sat Ashton’s drumset.

“That looks like a huge safety hazard. Is that safe?” I asked, flicking a pinwheel on the front.

“You sound just like my mom.” Luke giggled as he turned to Liz who just rolled her eyes and laughed along.

The director called for everyone to get in their spots for the final scene and I skipped over to my place. I befriended one of the extras and we decided that we were going to do this last scene together. We danced and sang along with the songs while the boys rocked out on their makeshift stage. I was having so much fun and the time of my life filming this music video and I don’t even profit from it!

When we finished filming, we were brought back into the house where a big buffet of hot food was spread for everyone to help themselves to. The beautiful smell of freshly cooked bread and roast chicken had my mouth watering with every step I took closer. I was really hunger considering I hadn’t eaten anything all day and it was night. My stomach growled when I grabbed my plate and that’s when I knew I was going to dive right in. I pulled a nice meaty piece of chicken on my plate and scooped a big helping of potatoes and gravy onto my plate.

“Hey look who’s getting her grub on!” Calum said from behind, placing his large hand on the small of my back.

I smiled and watched as he grabbed a plate and followed me down the buffet line. As we made our way to sit down on the front lawn with the other boys, Nick called me. I ignored it because I didn’t want to deal with him. Instead, I sent him a quick text telling him that I was at the studio. Maybe he wouldn’t be mad.

I continued my conversation with Calum and the boys when my phone buzzed. I looked down to see Nick had sent me a text that read:

Okay. Call me when you get dinner. Remember,  don’t eat too much. Weigh yourself after and do what you need to do to lose the weight again. Love you

My stomach automatically felt full even though I only had two bites of potatoes and just a small nibble of chicken. I set my napkin and fork on the plate and set down next to me, shifting myself into a more comfortable condition. Calum immediately noticed my shift in demeanor and grabbed my phone, reading the screen before asking me if he could. I wasn’t able to snatch my phone back so he read the message from Nick.

“‘Do what you need to do to lose the weight’? YN…you can’t let him make you feel that way. Why do you let him do this to you, you’re beautiful just the way you are.” He said softly as he grabbed my hand.

I knew I shouldn’t have set my phone down. I didn’t want anyone to know the kind of stuff I went through with Nick and now that Calum knows, someone who has a problem with it already, everything is going to change.

I felt my eyes warm from the tears that were threatening to fall. I choked back the tears and said, “I have to keep my image, Calum. If I don’t then our reputation will be ruined. Not only that but he loves me and he wants what is best for me. He knows i’m not happy-”

“Does he know that he’s the reason why you’re unhappy?” Calum interjected. He looked so upset and that made me feel worse.

I didn’t have anything to say back to him. Instead, I just let the tears that wanted an escape to roll down my cheeks. As much as I wanted to believe Calum I knew that he was wrong. He didn’t understand the way Nick was and how he worked. He doesn’t know how the past three years together had changed both Nick and I for the better. He just didn’t understand.

The director dismissed everyone and after I was able to send a text to my driver, Michael came up to me and gave me a big hug. “You’re a trooper, Y/N. I can’t believe that you stayed all day!”

“Of course I am still here, this was a lot of fun to do. Thanks for letting me be apart of it.” I said with a yawn. I felt a little nauseous and kind of dizzy, most likely from being on my feet all day.  I started to sway back and forth so Calum put his hands on my arms to steady me.

“Y/N, are you okay?” Liz asked as she looked between my eyes.

“Yeah, yeah, just tired.” I fake smiled. My car pulled up and I said my goodbyes. Calum walked me to the car and it’s good that he did because I felt really weak and sluggish.

“Y/N, what is wrong? You’re not acting normal.” Calum asked.

“I’m fine, Calum, i’m really tired is all.” I said, pressing my temples together and sighing. My head was banging.

He placed his hands on my shoulders and rubbed my arm. “If you need anything, please don’t be afraid to call. I’ll be right over.”

I gave him a smile and a hug goodbye before practically throwing my body into the car. My speech started to slur and I knew that I needed to eat something or else this wasn’t going to be a good night. I grabbed the sleeve of crackers from my purse and munched on them the whole way home but it didn’t settle the uneasy feeling that was building up in my stomach. I felt nauseous and decided that I had enough crackers. The rocking of the car only made this worse and in my head I was making plans on the best place to throw up. Luckily, I didn’t have to worry about that because I made it home without a chunk being blown.

I walked right up to my bedroom and stripped myself of the day’s clothes. I pulled on a pair of sweatpants and a loose t shirt and headed for the bathroom. I looked at myself in the mirror, disgust only now becoming overflowing as I look at myself..

A small part of my belly showed and I lifted the hem more, staring at the flabby skin in front of me. I’m not large and a I’m not small, but I’m not what I want either. I want to be beautiful and I want to be skinny. I mushed my stomach together to make a little mountain of pudged and sighed. My eyes drifted to the toilet behind me and Nick’s words ran through my mind again.

“Do what you have to do to lose the weight.”

My fingers twitched, they knew just how to help me.

I walked over to the toilet slowly, maybe this was a bad idea and I shouldn’t do this. But what would Nick think? If he came back and saw that I hadn’t lost any weight or if he noticed I gained some he wouldn’t be happy. This would help me, this would make me look and feel better. It would only hurt for a few minutes then I would feel better.

I kneeled down infront of the porcelain bowl and steadied my left hand on the side, readying my index and middle finger on my right. I took a deep breath and stuck my fingers down as far as I could until my gag reflex kicked in and I threw up the small amount of food I had ate tonight. The vomit burned my throat and my eyes watered. I hadn’t thrown up in years and it wasn’t a good feeling to have back again.

I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand and flushed the toilet, seeing all chewed up food wash away like waste. Was this bad? I mean, the food made me feel upset and I do feel better now. It was just a quick fix. I stood up and washed my hands good in the sink and brushed the disgusting taste from my mouth using mouthwash to really make myself feel minty fresh. I didn’t feel as bad anymore and I liked it.

I walked back into my bedroom and saw a missed call from Ashton. I hit the call back number and sat at the end of my bed picking at my nails while I waited for him to answer.

“Hey, Y/n!” Ashton cheered, “I was giving you a call because we are off tomorrow and we’re planning on going to Disneyland. Would you like to join us?”

A smile grew on my race and of course I agreed. Something like this will take my mind off of things for a few days and I really needed a fun time. When Ashton and I were done on the phone, I quickly called Nick to tell him I love him and goodnight. He told me about his super busy and important day. I was happy that his album release was going so well and that he was proud of his work. I missed him but I knew this was good for him.

I fell asleep that night with an empty mind and an empty stomach which I was oddly satisfied with. For once in my life I wasn’t stressing and I could truly enjoy my bed and the comfort of silence in my own home.

Complicated [Calum&Ashton]

Part 3

“I need to be alone..” I whispered and I looked at my feet.

“Please. Don’t go. We’re your frie- no. We’re your family. Let us be here for you” Mali said as she took my hand in hers.

I looked up and saw everyone staring and felt very little. I could tell that they all felt so guilty for something that wasn’t even their fault. “Please, I just want to be alone. I know that you think this is somehow your fault but it’s not, you aren’t Calum. He made his choices and he acted on them. You didn’t. Thank you so much for being here with me, that’s something I can’t thank you enough for, but I just want to be alone.”

Before anyone could say another word I was outside and heading for the street to call a cab. All I had was my phone and my purse but that’s all I needed. When I opened the doors, I walked into a crowd of fans and I immediately wished I had gone out the back. There were screams that could have made me deaf right then and there.  

"Y/N! Y/N!”

“Can we get a picture?!”

“How’re you and Calum?

Questions flying at me from every direction. It was too much, I felt overwhelmed. I didn’t want to say anything about what had happened either, I couldn’t tell them. No matter how angry or betrayed I felt I couldn’t ruin his image for his fans.

I swallowed everything down and put on a happy face for the pictures. I even stopped and had small conversations with the fans. Unfortunately, some people just want to hear about Calum and I no matter what. With every question about Calum came a new stab wound in my heart.

"Wow you’re so lucky to be dating Calum.”

“You’re so sweet and kind! We love how you’re so humble.”

I must have said thank you a hundred times to the kind fans. My cheeks were starting to hurt from smiling so much, but what hurt more was my heart and I just wanted to get the hell out of there.

As I was making my way towards the car on the street, a fan grabbed my arm and looked at me and said “I love your lipstick”. It was the lipstick I had on when I met Calum, when Calum and I had our first official date, and even the lipstick that I wore when I lost my virginity to him. MAC in the color Mehr.

“Thank you,” I said over the loud voices while I reached into my bag, “Have this!” I had just purchased a fresh one and since I was having such a shitty day, I might as well make someone else have a good one. I handed her the fresh stick and her eyes lit up like christmas lights. She squealed and pulled me into a tight hug and thanked me over and over again. I just gave her another smile and continued on my way to the cab.

When I got into the car, I pulled out my phone to see 27 missed calls and 54 texts from Calum. I rolled my eyes. Does he think that spamming my phone will make me want to talk to him? I’m sure he’s got other girls who would respond to him at the drop of a dime.

I put his contact on do not disturb.

I had asked the driver to take me to the nearest beach where there wouldn’t be a lot of people.  After giving me a weird look, seeing that I was wearing a pair of ripped black skinny jeans, a green day t-shirt and a pair of black combat boots, not to mention a killer eye liner that could stab a bitch, he started driving.

I went on Twitter and the fan who I gave the lipstick too was spamming me saying how I made her day and that she would wear the color for the rest of her life. It made me feel a tad better knowing that I made someone’s day.

We arrived at the beach and boy was it a beautiful day. I told the driver to wait for me and that he could leave the meter running. He obviously didn’t have any objection to that. I climbed out and I ran down the beach. I loved the smell of the ocean and how big it was. It made me feel so small and so insignificant that it was comforting to me. I ran until the shoreline then I fell to my knees.

I let it all go, my salty tears mixing with the ocean as the rolled off my flushed cheeks.  How could he have done this? How the hell could this have happened? I’ve been nothing but faithful to him, turning down every number I got from work and ignoring the cat calls at the bars. I was so loyal to him, but he had the nerve to cheat on me?

I pulled my phone out and called Y/B/F. Thankfully Y/B/F picked up after the first ring.

“Y/N! Hey! How is Sydney?!” Y/B/F asked.

I choked on a sob trying to get something out but it was useless. “Wait, are you crying? Y/N, what’s going on?” Eventually I rambled everything to her and I was a crying mess on the beach. I’m sure people were skeptical of me, wondering why a girl dressed in all black was crying on the shore of the beach. I would be suspicious too.

My phone died halfway through our conversation and I threw it behind me, hearing it thud in the sand. I wanted to just go away, leave Calum and all my misery behind.

I felt a pair of arms wrap around my waist lifting me up from the sand. Startled, I jumped away but when I heard Ashton speak I knew I was going to be okay. “Hey, it’s okay. It’s just me.”

I wrapped my arms around him tight and didn’t let go. His large hand rubbed a soothing circles into my back as he cooed into my ear, “It’s okay, I’m here. You aren’t alone.”

I pulled away from him and wiped the mascara stains from my cheeks. He smiled down at me. “Where should we go first?” He asked.

I shook my head and tucked a piece of hair behind my ear. “You don’t have to go with me, Ashton. Besides, I want to be alone remember?”

“If you wanted to be alone, you would have told me to leave by now. Or you would have left on your own. So, i’ll ask again, where do you want to go?”

I just stared at him, shaking my head in disbelief that he would rather be with me right now. “Shake your head and roll your eyes all you want, but I’m not going to let you go explore Australia all by yourself. I’ve got a couple of hours to kill before the show, so where do we go first?”

“Just take me away, Ashton.” I said with a heavy sigh.

He took a step forward and placed a small kiss to my forehead. “Your wish is my command.”

Small Bump [Luke]

Part 3

Blood. Red, fresh, wet blood pooled at between my legs. My scream had woken up Luke in a panic and when he looked over and saw he went into full freak out mood. He muttered curse words and ran around the room collecting a shirt and new clothes for me. “Luke, what’s happening?” I sobbed as he pulled a new pair of pants onto me. I was doubling over in pain from what felt like stab wounds into my belly.

“It’s going to be okay, YN. Please don’t cry, let’s get in the car.” Luke said. I could hear in his voice that he was just as, if not more, scared than I was.

We hobbled down to the car and Luke was off to the hospital, zipping through the late night drivers and going well over the speed limit. Even though Luke had changed me I could feel blood still coming out of me and all I could hope for was that Caroline was going to be okay.

We pulled up to the ER and Luke sprinted inside to get someone and a wheel chair. A few seconds of later he came out with a team of nurses behind him. They helped me out of the car and into the chair and wheeled me inside. My hands rubbed over the baby bump looking for any sign that my baby girl was going to be okay but even then I couldn’t feel a kick or even her heartbeat inside me.

“Luke! I can’t feel her!” I sobbed, panic completely taking over my body and voice.

“It’s going to be okay, dear, I promise,” Luke kissed my head and looked to the male doctor, “She’s just four months pregnant, please make sure our daughter is okay.”

The doctor took me back into a room and moved me over to a normal bed. “We’re going to take a look at the baby, okay?” She asked, lifting up my shirt while the nurses prepped the machine. I grabbed for Luke’s hand, my grip probably completely crushing his hands in the process.

We looked anxiously to the screen, begging for something to be good. The doctor looked somberly at the screen and huffed in frustration. I couldn’t hear Caroline’s heartbeat, and I guess she couldn’t either.

“Is the sound on?” Luke asked, tears brimming his eyes.

The doctor placed the wand back on the metal tray and sighed. “I’m so sorry, Mrs. Hemmings. I can’t find a heartbeat. It appears to me that you have suffered a miscarriage.”

You know how when your mind gets foggy and you feel completely numb? Like you can’t form a coherent thought or wrap your head around something and it feels like your whole body just stops working and the pain you feel in your heart was just unbearable? That’s what I felt. My world crumbled right before my very eyes.

“What?” I asked with a broken voice, feeling my heart beat faster, “She had a perfectly fine heartbeat just the other day! How could this happen!? Please, TELL ME WHY MY BABY IS GONE! WHAT DID I DO WRONG?!” I was screaming, mainly out of anger and sadness. We followed the books and went to the classes, met with doctors and followed their instructions. How could this be possible?

“Mrs. Hemmings, miscarriages are unpredictable and happen to many woman without any warning. They usually happen when there is a deformity in the development of the fetus and it tells itself to stop growing. We need to perform a D-and-E as soon as possible.” She said.

“What the hell is that?” Luke asked before I could.

“Dilation and Extraction. It is a small procedure where we open the cervix and remove the remaining contents from the uterus to prevent any infections that could harm the mother.”

“And by content you mean the pieces of my dead baby that are still inside of me.” I spat.

The doctor looked down and took a deep breath. “I understand your pain right now, Mrs. Hemmings but we need to take care of you.” She said and with that she left the room to prep the OR. Nurses shuffled around the room cleaning me up.

Luke grabbed my hand and peppered my forehead with kisses. I was crying hard with so many emotions racing through my body. “Why did this happen, Luke? Why?” I whined.

He pressed his forehead to my temple and began to cry to. I couldn’t imagine what was going through his mind and I didn’t want to. I felt like the ground was ripped from underme. “I love you, YN. It’s going to be okay,” he said with a kiss to my ear, “I’m going to go make a few calls okay? I will be right outside.”

I nodded and watched him walk out the room. I sat in the room and watched as the nurses cleaned everything up for me. They gave me a gown to wear and then suddenly I was alone. Recently, I was never alone because I had a beautiful human being growing inside of me, one that would be called Caroline, but now I was completely alone. My brain was in overdrive as I thought about how any of this happened. Just the other day the obstetrician said that everything looked fine and my baby girl’s heartbeat made my heart fluttered. Now my baby was nothing. Her beautiful and hopeful life ripped from her just like the thing that I loved most.

A knock on the door brought me back from the dark thoughts and the head of Calum poked out from behind the door. “Hey there, sweetie.” Calum said. One by one the filled in with morose looks on their faces.

“You doin’ alright?” Michael asked softly.

I couldn’t answer him, I was so weak and the thought of Caroline alone brought on a new batch of tears. Luke rushed over and pulled me into his arms allowing me to sob freely into his chest. I felt the bed sink from the boys and I was pulled into a big group hug by all of them. We cried together because we all lost a small piece tonight.

Our tears were interrupted by the doctor telling us it was time and the boys left the room. Luke stayed back but promised me that he would be right outside the doors the whole time. The whole procedure was uncomfortable for me and as they performed I felt like my heart was being ripped from my body unwillingly. I didn’t want my baby to leave me. Only her spirit remained now. And although the doctor said freak accidents like this happen all the time I couldn’t help but think that this was all my fault.

I was placed in a single room where I was to be monitored and checked on every hour. My parents had came in to see me as well as Luke’s parents and with them they brought my favorite flowers and words of encouragement. My mother held me while I cried and my father sang to me. Visitors constantly came in and out of the room bringing gifts and soon the small table meant to be a place to eat now looked like a corner flower stand. As thoughtful as it was, it didn’t fight the fact Caroline wasn’t with me anymore.

Our parents eventually left to get some breakfast since the clock just passed seven-thirty. The boys and I were the only ones in the room.

“Is there anything that you would like us to do?” Michael asked from his place on the side of the bed.

I nodded and looked up to him. I could feel the sadness start to spread inside me yet again and I felt my heart beat a little faster. “Yes,” I said with the heart beat monitor chirping as my temperament shortened, “I want you go back and get rid of everything that has to do with a baby. Paint the walls white, throw away the furniture, rip apart my ultrasound-” I couldn’t continue I was crying so hard. Luke sprung from his seat and pulled me into his chest and let me sob. He cooed into my ear and pay down the frizzy mess that was my hair in an attempt to calm me down.

“They’re not going to throw everything away, YN. You’re not thinking straight.” Luke said but I pushed him away and looked at him in disbelief.

“I’m thinking ahead, Luke. We’re going to go home and be constantly reminded of the beautiful thing that we lost. How are we supposed to go home and move on when there is a nursery waiting for a baby that will never come?! I’ll look at it and be reminded that it’s my fault, my body, that caused the baby to die! How the fuck can I even look at that room?” I half sobbed - half yelled. The room fell silent as everyone looked down at their feet. The look on Luke’s face was pure defeat.

“We can take care of it, guys.” Ashton said standing up with Michael, “Can we have the key?”

Luke dug around in his jean pocket and pulled out his key and tossed it to Michael. They filed out of the room leaving Luke and I in the tense atmosphere. I felt guilty for everything and I know that snapping at Luke wasn’t going to help anyone in any case.

“I’m sorry,” I breathed, “I don’t know what to do.”

The bed dipped as he sat down next to me and took my ring finger in his hand. “I don’t either but this,” He said pointing to my ring, “means that we will get through this together. In sickness and in health, till death do us part. I’m here, baby. We’ll get through this.” He kissed my temple and relaxed in bed with me. He just let me cry and cry until my eyes were completely drained. For the first time since this has all happened, I felt calm and relaxed in his arms.

The doctors recommended that I speak with someone who specializes in miscarriages, like a Psychiatrist and Luke and I were able to talk it out with her how we felt and get some coping things that would help ease the pain.

Luke’s POV

YN had finally fell asleep and I was able to be by myself in all of my thoughts. I was able to wrap my head around everything that has happened in the last few days. Caroline was gone in the blink of an eye after just seeing her happy heart beat a day ago. Her clothes were folded and hanging just ready for her, the toys waiting next to her bed for when she got older, everyone who was already in love with her excited to hold her in their arms. But it wasn’t Caroline’s time. Only God could hold her in his arms now and I was at peace with that.

It absolutely ripped me to shreds thinking I wouldn’t get to see who’s eyes she would have or if she would have piano fingers like me or her mother’s small ones. I wanted to spoil her until my pockets were dry and I wanted to teach her to sing. I wanted to do a lot of things with Caroline but it wasn’t my time.

Seeing YN cry once every hour completely obliterated my heart. No one, especially YN, deserved this. I want her to be happy and I want her to experience motherhood just like everyone else, and I want her to not feel guilty because this isn’t her fault. None of this was planned it was all just a surprise. I told the boys to take the furniture and toys from the room and give it to charity but to keep the boxes and store them in the attic. YN was going to be discharged today and I didn’t want her to have to deal with the task of cleaning up the baby things.

“Luke, we were thinking that maybe your father and I should stay with you for a little while. Do you think that’s a good idea?” My mom asked me as she cupped my cheek with her hand.

“I-I don’t know. I think we will be okay. Thanks mom.” I said with half a smile. She nodded and gave me a kiss and a hug followed by my dad and told her she would come by the house later with some dinner. When they left, YNs mom came in with a concerned look on her face.

“Security told me that there are fans outside and the hospital told them they need to leave. Naturally they want to see you and YN, do you think you can do something?” She asked, looking down at her sleeping daughter.

I sighed and nodded knowing that I was about to give the fans the biggest heartbreak I never wanted to give. I pulled out my phone and began to type a new tweet.

@Luke5SOS: (½) Hey guys. I know you are waiting outside to see YN and I but it is with deep sorrow that I tell you this, we have lost our baby girl. During this time, we ask for privacy and prayers while we recover

@Luke5SOS: (2/2) from this tragic loss. We love you all more than anything in this world. Life is precious, never take it for granted. xoxo

Almost instantly my phone blew up with texts from friends and mentions on Twitter and Instagram. I turned my phone off and focused on YN who was just waking up. She batted her pretty eyes and rolled over, stretching her back. When she saw me sitting by the window she smiled and rested her head on her hand. I stood up and walked over to her bedside and took her free hand in mine. “Hi, princess. How ya feeling?” I asked.

“As good as I can feel right now.” she answered with a broken voice.

“Ashton called and they took everything out of the house and fixed up the bed for us so we don’t need to worry, okay?” I said, stroking the side of her head. She nodded and sat herself up.  “Okay, that’s fine. I’m ready to get out of here though. When can we leave?” She asked me.

I grabbed her clothes from the side table and handed them to her. “As soon as you’re ready to go. You’re all unhooked and the nurses said to go to the front desk when we are on our way.” I watched her struggle to get her clothes on from her body being so weak. She had trouble standing up so I wrapped her arm around my shoulder and walked her to the bathroom. After gathering our things and having security take all of the flowers to the car, we stopped at the nurses station and went on our way.

There were still fans outside of the hospital doors and security worked their best to keep them under control. I apologized profusely to the doctors but they told me not to worry because it happened all the time. I was afraid that the fans would some how trigger me but more worryingly, YN. I didn’t want her to lash out at the fans who mentioned Caroline and I certainly didn’t want any kind of negative comments thrown towards me and YN.

When i stepped out of the doors, though, I was pleasantly surprised. All of the fans were quiet, not a single word being shouted. They all looked so sad and some were even crying. Some girls had flowers and small gifts or cards for YN and I and my heart smiled for the first time in the last couple of days. I looked down to YN who covered her widespread mouth. She looked at me and a single tear fell down her blushed cheek.

A short redheaded girl walked to the front of the crowds and asked if she could come forwards. I nodded and security let her past and she walked right up to us. She presented YN a huge bouquet of her favorite flowers and said, “My name is Annalise. We all saw your tweets and were absolutely heartbroken. We aren’t here to bother you, we’re here for your support. We are all family and we are all grieving tonight. We hope that the flowers will bring a smile to your face.” She took a big breath and smile like she had rehearsed. YN had started to cry and she grabbed Annalise into a hug and I joined in on it. I looked up and told Security to let the others in on the hug and soon enough YN and I were in the middle of a group hug. I could hear some fans sniffling and YN’s body shook next to mine, I didn’t even know that I was crying. When Security broke us apart I asked them to take a picture for all of us.

I walked YN over to the passenger side and made sure she was comfortable and in buckled in safely. I jogged over to the drivers side, gave the fans one last wave, and hopped into the car. I buckled up and looked over at YN who was looking at all the flowers in the back. I’m sure she was thinking the same thing I was. How our whole life changed and how everything was going to be different from now on. Maybe someday we’ll have thirty little kids running around or maybe we won’t have any at all. A million things could have run through our heads but I know one thing is for sure: we were both asking ourselves how we were going to heal.

She didn’t say anything the whole ride home and nothing when we walked back into the house. The boys had forgotten to crack a window when they painted and so the whole house smelt like paint. I watched as YN ascended the stairs and walked cautiously to Caroline’s room. Everything was gone, there was no remains of Caroline. It was a blank room just like it had been before.

I watched as YN’s delicate fingers ran along the wall as she walked into the room. She didn’t say a word, she was completely silent. It was almost deafening. I wish there was some way that I could ease her aching heart and her scattered mind but no words can fix something this bad. When she looked at me I thought she would say something but instead she walked right passed me and into the bedroom.

I shut the light off in Caroline’s room and shut the door quietly. I don’t think I would be in there for a while.

I turned to our room and when I walked in, YN had gotten into bed with her back to me. I walked over and kneeled into the bed. I crawled over to her and placed a hand on her covered hip. “Do you need anything?” I asked quietly.

“No. I would like to go to sleep.” She said monotonous. I nodded and leaned over to give her cheek a kiss but stopped when I noticed that she had been crying. Her eyes were squeezed shut and the tears poured from her tired eyes. I couldn’t hold back anymore. I let my tears go and pulled her into my body. We cried together, letting every ounce of emotion go. We fell asleep cradled in each other’s arms emotionally exhausted.

British Hair Awards 2016 – Afro Finalist Collection – photo by Luke Nugen 

This will forever be legit

fuck. This is the most gorgeous shit I’ve ever seen in my life. And honestly the first time in a loooong time I’ve been surprised by fashion. Gorgeous.

Warriors

I need an RPG to exist where these people exist ❤️

These are fucking awesome holy shit

Ed Sheeran - ÷ (Divide) [2017]

This story is hilarious, I’m in tears hahaha

Credit: Chikatara ( Twitter: @HakunamahTara) 

I honestly did not expect our national park service to be so fucking savage.