I gotta in sit inside myself

Sit inside myself

Sit beside myself

Sit in my emotions

Meditate with locomotion

Not hesitate

Not hesitate

Gotta look inside the ocean

The ocean

Look at yourself

No

Dont be afraid

I can't

But its not your fault

Its okey

Why

Because it will be

Its okey

Want it

Allow it

Let it

Grow?

Yes

And you will

Everyday

Everytime

You will be fine

As of late

Blame and fault were exstensions

of myself

I molded it within me

Within its cold depths

I somehow smelted it

And smoldered it down

And just like that

It fit within my psychy

Almost perfectly

Terrifyingly

I wanted to run

From something that was myself

That I made melded to me

I blamed myself for the blame

I faulted my faults as i burried myself

In responsibility

The

I should have's

The

Why did I's

Dug my hole deeper

The dirtier the heavier

There was no more air to breathe

No voice was left

All there was

Was

Shame

And my begging

Will you let me free

I feel like Ive changed

Cold like never before

Apathetic like no other

Though I wonder

I feel her

I somehow hear her

Shes the same as before

Shes warm

And i want to see her

I know shes still here

But it hurts to much to be her

Im not a

Average woman

There nothing average about me

Im in above or below average

Everytime

I wonder

What that means

And how different ill live my life because of that statistic

How many ppl could really know anything about me

A glass half full or half empty

A below and above average woman

Or the woman I see myself as everyday

I wonder who will see me

And how many that wont

And if I'll ever know them

Sometime i wish i just was normal

Being an outlier in the system

Feels invisible

Feels lonely

Like I have no one

like I always will

and like No one will ever see me

I go back to you

In my memory banks

I take in

I deposit

I withdraw

I want to take out

All the memories

I wish to invest

Maybe in lessons

Maybe in strength

To never let it happen again

But what good can i do

With nothing to use

And with nothing but your ruse to my name

What can I learn with

Withdrawing

Forgeting

wanning to believe these

Memories have no value

When it hurts knowing they have to

Or else

Why do they hurt

Why do I come back to it

Checking on the accounts

of what happened

Somewhere somehow

Ill move on

The interest will fall

And Ill find foreclosure

Leaving this bank behind me

With something other than

Just bankruptcy

Ill be something more

Worth more in appreciation

Over time

By me and by someone better

At least thats what id like to believe...

Im begining from scratch

Trying to learn my 1 2 3s

My a b c's

Learn my colors from my shapes

Trying to fit a circle in a triangle

I'm a mess

And I'm playing the pick up game

All the pieces

All the shapes

With their own colors

supposed to be

thrown in a basket

Afterall mama always told me when you make a mess

You gotta clean it

Whispers

Of our past and my present

Unable to discern the two

I dont know

Which is worse

Or which is true

Im hoping none are

I wish it never happened

And that it isnt and wasnt

Ever true

I made a thing lol 👌🏼💯

So more emojis 💯✌🏼

Wanted to try out drawin realistically digitally and it was different than draw it on paper lol 😅 took me a while to get it how i wanted it xD but here it is

My entire life

Has been

A series of suspicions

suspensions

of disbelief and

Leaps of faith

Over and over

I could never find the answer

How to see the world

In plain distain

Or a rainbow even in rain

Both seem too hard

Both seem too painful

And been hurt for believing

Either or

As polar these beliefs are

Is as torn apart my body feels

Contemplating such realities

I find myself hard to breathe

And my body can hardly stand

I wanna fall

I wanna sob

And curse the world

Feeling so useless in this universe

Unable to understand it