benefits of living in a lighthouse

Starting a new thread of insane shit I over hear my husband say to our toddler.

2. “Come now my child.”

*bluey the album starts playing*

3. “Oh I am so sorry. You’ve been mildly inconvenienced. How dare I truly”

4. “It is she! Her Majesty, Queen of the Sludge, Keeper of Goo, DJ Baby P (In the House) Dropper of Beats and Clapper of Hands”

5. He is in charge of bathtime and he lifted the ghoul tonight while singing “come with me and you’ll be in a world of baby sanitation” and I laughed so hard I snorted pasta

6. Okay this is more one that he said to me about the toddler but he was home with her while I was at work and I just got this text

7.

“Happy Independence Day Sweetie! Nationalism is a cancer!”

8. This is another one he said to me about her but still it made me laugh so hard I nearly choked

9.

*Penny babbling in the back seat, many la la las coming from her car seat*

“Are you singing us a song? Ah yes the dulcet tones of goblin”

10.

“Listen kid, I can’t let you have the cup anymore because you keep chugging the bath water, so we just have to remove the cup from the equation.”

11.

*penny is screaming, trying to climb back up a big slide at the playground*

“Someday you’ll learn about ,I don’t know physics and the myth of Sisyphus ,and you’ll start making a lot of connections I think. “

12. *Pen is still screaming and baby cussing about not being able to climb back up the slide*

“The problem is that you set goals for yourself that are unattainable by both man and baby.”

13.

“You can keep the cookie container, I don’t care. What kind of father would I be if I tried to separate a small raccoon child from her trash!?”

14.

*Penny is crying because the bucket she insisted on sitting in fell off the couch with her in it. Husband is bouncing her and rubbing her back after assessing that no physical damage occurred, just a bruised toddler ego*

“Oh my poor sweet angel. She fucked around and found out.”

15.

16. “The only three things this child cares about is Elmo, Cooking Videos, and Keith Tryguy”.

17.

“Hey. No! Cup privileges hereby rescinded, bath chugger”

18.

we miss him a lot

19.

20.

“I just don’t know how you and I, the two most indoorsy people to ever exist, managed to give birth to I don’t know , Baby Bear Grylls!?”

21.

“Not that I ever would because I love her and she’s my best friend, but I’m pretty sure if we just gave her one of those old timey kerchiefs on a stick and like sent her into the woods, she’d be fine. She’d come home in a week with berries and woodland friends ready to go to war for her.”

love when you stop a cat from doing something and instead of understanding that they shouldnt be doing that theyre just like. ah sorry my good sir you seem to have interrupted me. no worries let me just shimmy past you and get a taste of that pan of hot oil. please.

As someone who owns cats that will run away if you get up while they are eating from another cat's bowl, but not while they are eating from their own bowl: I am more inclined to agree with the posts that say "cats understand the concept of sin".

sometimes when they see you coming they do the naughty thing faster (eg: when trying to steal an object they cant quite reach, or trying to eat all of something). they realize you're going to stop them, but their thought process doesn't reach the conclusion of "I shouldn't be doing this".

instead they're like "I guess there's a time limit to my task now. but god as my witness I'm gonna complete it."

Volume/headphone warning.

Wanted to try and pay homage to perhaps the best tweet in existence. Any and all credit goes to Patricia Lockwood for the original post and picture. And, of course, to darling, affronted Miette.

i need to hire someone who can speak to cats to explain to Shams and Noor that they are supposed to be predators. I'm trying to introduce toys that emulate prey (with sound/smell of course so they can track it) so I can get them to play hunt but they're just like. *pats toy lightly with paws* 'hmmm interesting. i dig. a friend perhaps?' and i'm like nooooooo it's your prey you're supposed to chase it! i try to look it up on youtube but all videos are for if the cats are *disinterested* in play but they're very interested! just in a very polite manner lol like i'm introducing stuffed toys for them to cuddle with

*Oblivion guard voice* Excuse me sir, are you alright? I - by the Divines. This person's dead.

i was kidding at first with the oblivion guard quote but, the fish is battery operated to flop around and when i turned it off to charge the battery they were both IMMEDIATELY concerned that it stopped moving. when i turned it back on they were like, oh thank god. it doesn't even entice them to chase it. it just makes them feel better to know it's alive and kicking apparently??? shjdgsjdhd they care about this fake fish so much what the fuck

me: violence? care for some violence sir?

shams & noor: hmm... what is this

me: a fish! a prey! to bite and kill! to chomp! to-

shams and noor: to... to have and to hold? to love and cherish? a friend in time of need? a cuddle partner to brave the cold nights? a trusted comrade? and someday... if the fates are kind... something more, perhaps?

me: no!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Title

Pearl

Photographer: Kirsi Mutshipule

Finland

ND Awards 2019

they rlly wildin out rn

hingus bingus rave

Embroidered snowy steps>

My friend sent this to her Professor today

my favourite thing on tumblr is reblogging a post like "oh that mutual is gonna love this" and then seeing them reblog it from you

i love this image so much

This is the hottest damn thing EVER. 

big dog and puppy enjoying some veg

wow!! CRUNCH

From @tarastevens2

[Video: far off shot of a crane lifting a blue Porta-Potty through the air.

Audio: Doctor Who theme song.]

I'm sorry but this kills me every time