Hybrid Machine

Started anti-depressants, such a gentle symbiosis with my brain.. the hypersensitivity and existential dread just gone. I feel like a regular person, not numb, just as if I rewound time to a naïver time. Quite content and stable. Amazing. I should have done this so long ago.

I'm reflecting on how far I've come. I'm nearly a counsellor. I have been counselling real people at placement, it feels great! Natural. I'm learning so so much. I'm closer to my partner than ever, co-witnessing the darkest times possible.

I've done so much internal work. So much relationship work. So much life maintenance practice. So much resilience through some of the darkest, bleakest moments of fear and dread and extreme emotions. Just this year I discovered I'm autistic. Life makes so much more sense. I nearly finished my academic journey. I'm tackling mental health with new found persistence, assertiveness, expression, tactfulness, acceptance, and gentleness. Healing is fking hard work. I just disassociated/numbed myself my whole life. Now, I get to rewrite that narrative.

Sure, I've fallen. Injured myself physically a few times (by accident! Hypermobility and autism, yo). Felt the chronic overwhelm of neurotypical society compressing me into a corner. Felt my PCOS body just aggravating my trauma/emotional extremes. Feeling myself dragged into hell screaming.

I feel more confident, more assertive, more communicative, more proactive, more able to ask for help. More able to redraw boundaries. I feel inspired, motivated, a little bit more engaged with the world and with myself, my friends and family. I don't want or need to hide anymore. My pains been aired to my community. The pain I kept so deep out of guilt of harming others with it. Running away when people would get too close.

I'm still me, but I've unlocked some new attitudes through digging up the armoured layers that were holding me down. So I'm also definitely not me that I look at photos from my 20s. I also know there are many new decades to unlock.

I just feel so much more cognitive and empowered. Trauma work, a thirst for learning, diverse experiences and cultures, supportive friends, and 9 years of academia have really helped me foster a strong mind. Not plagued by society's anti-human attitudes. But respectful of everyones journeys. Felt myself bump against experts and authorities with my own insight and realisation that I am powerful and have a voice when being made disempowered or exploited. And that not everyone has our best interests at hand. And to be direct.

Yeah baaaaaby! Let's do this, we got this.

I wish I could say no to systemic exploitation. I wish I could say no to overwhelm. I wish I could unlatch all the social hooks that take from me every day, in every interaction, demanding all my energy and kindness. The endless small talk and pointless rituals and enforced traditions. The stupid cycles people get so excited about never end. The autistic urge to just be left the fuck alone, in a cabin, in the woods.

People who aren't neurotypical don't stand a chance for their mental health, their physical health, their social health, their finances, their basic securities.

I wanna say I've been focusing on my health, noticing changes in mood/relationships etc. But I'm chronically overstimulated by my efforts. It's a catch 22. I try to sleep right, wake right, eat right, exercise right, work enough (but it's not enough cuz I can't handle more), not get paid enough because of it. But I'm still just coming home hating everything. Wanting to run. Wanting to fight. Overwhelmed and confused.