I’ve been transitioning FTM for 6 years, on testosterone for a total of 3 years and 9 months, and testosterone completely damaged my body & life. While taking testosterone I experienced; - High blood pressure in hypertension stage one - Glaucoma developing from ocular hypertension (from hormone fluctuations) - Eye twitching/Dryness/Seeing spots & flashes - Intense back pain - Migraines (1-4 times a week) - Debilitating body aches - Sciatic leg pain that would wake me up - Chest pain/Shortness of breath/Heart flutters/Palpitations - Severe uterus cramping - Vaginal atrophy - Constant dizziness - Scalp soreness/tenderness from rapid hair loss - Face skin very oily - Sweating/Hot flash problems - Sleep apnea/Loud snoring/Choking in sleep - Difficulty swallowing/Choking when eating - Bladder retention with burning urination - Protein in my urine during pee tests - Rise in bad cholesterol on blood tests - Painful fibrocystic breast tissue - Full body paresthesia, especially in face/nose/arms/hands (this I hated most, as it caused extreme stress & fear) - Scary and upsetting dreams frequently - Huge increase in depression/suicidal urges and anxiety - Stopped being able to cry around 4 months on T - Had hard time feeling deep emotions/Felt very void/empty - Less emotional response towards situations and other people - Less inner dialogue/Shut off most internal chatter/thoughts - Aggressive (physically & verbally), assertive, argumentative personality (which is the opposite of me pre-T) - My personality and thought patterns changed uncontrollably *** My T levels were always perfect and spot on. I’ve had 72 hour heart monitor tests, breast ultrasounds, vaginal ultrasounds, MRI on my spine and brain, and many blood/urine/eye/full physical tests over the years to figure what is wrong with me. But everything has always come back saying I’m fine and its side effects from the testosterone. T was killing me, and desecrated my life. I literally couldn’t take it anymore. I’m 4 months off T at this point and I’m still suffering. This isn’t to discredit medical transition, but T was very dangerous to my body. It was hurting me in so many ways… ways I never imagined. More studies really need to be done on the side effects and harm that T can cause. I was always told, “testosterone won’t hurt you, it only raises your risks to a bio male level.” Well that was very untrue for me, as I’m sure AMAB people do no deal with all these issues, all at once. 

I haven’t seen a whole lot of information regarding how it feels to have a skin graft. I will admit it feels a lot different than I would have expected so I thought I would share how it feels physically. I am 11 weeks post-op phalloplasty with Dr. Chen in San Francisco CA. Thank you everyone for all the support!

STOP ASKING ME ABOUT MY PHALLO!!

Me: “After almost 10 years on T, I finally got my hysto!! I really love my body. I feel so comfortable now.” Everyone (trans or not): “That’s awesome! So when are you getting your phallo?” Me: *fantasizes about throat punching other person*

Seriously, more trans people than cis people have asked me about my phallo. It’s pretty fucking invalidating. I’ve always wanted a hysto, haven’t always wanted a dick. This was MY “bottom surgery”. Yeah, I’m a gorgeous balding, bearded, queer. Doesn’t mean I necessarily identify with a fucking cock, even if I’m an ftm.

Just be happy for your friend and their surgery, no matter what it is. Celebrate it, and focus on THAT surgery. I hate justifying my thoughts and identity, even to trans people.

theoretically, ftm transformations on my dash should make me feel happy but it makes me feel like shit

Vent

I hate this The further I get in my transition, the more it hurts when I feel dysphoric and like nothing has changed. One. Thing. Telling me my voice sounds feminine. That’s all it took and boom. In a singular second, I don’t want to leave my room. I don’t want interact or speak to anyone because of it. Even the people I’m staying with, who are the people I’m most comfortable around (that I get to see physically) I’ve lost all will to meet new people because now I’m absolutely terrified that my voice will give me away to the ones who don’t know I’m trans and then their view of me will change and I’ve put in SO much work to get here and it frustrates and terrifies me how easily that’s broken. How easily I’m broken. One little thing and it all comes crashing down around me. Before I started T, I felt hopeless when I was dysphoric, but in a different way. Like I’d never get here and I’d stay that way forever. But somehow, being on T and having a dysphoric episode, is worse. Because now it feels like all the work, all the fighting with people, the screaming, yelling, crying, all the anxiety attacks over appointments and all the work that I put into getting myself to this point, has been for nothing. I hope that my blood work says that my T levels are low, so that they boost my dose. I know everyone goes at a different pace, but it’s normally around 3 months that voices drop and mines done next to nothing. That has to be the problem. I can’t think of anything else. I can’t stand this

Things no one told me about life after top surgery

The first week afterwards will be a blur. You might not even remember it due to all the pain killers. 

You might forget that you don’t need binders anymore and might panic when realizing you aren’t wearing one in public. 

While healing the nipple graft might itch, sometimes intensely. 

After the skin heals, part of the nipple tip may die and fall off. This is okay as long as it shrivels and doesn’t turn black or looks infected. 

The nipples might lose its ability to moisturize itself. You will need to periodically put strong moisturizers on them or they will turn yellow and shrivel up, which hurts and will start to fall off if ignored. 

Parts of your chest will go numb afterward. As the nerves heal you may experience periods of unexplained pain and itchiness even a year later. 

Sometimes small amounts of tissue are left behind, which will make one side flatter than the other. This is up to you whether you want a revision, but unless it’s severe it likely isn’t worth it.

Toilet thoughts 2

We’re gonna get into some tmi territory!

So before I started T I never had any bladder issues (unless I was sick) like I do now. It seem a like every time I blink I piss myself. It’s never a lot but enough to notice. I wonder if any other guys have this issue. I feel like it’s something we’re all too embarrassed to talk about.

I’ve been off T for about a year after being on for 4 and I feel like that has something to do with it. I can’t recall if this was an issue while I was on or not. I think we need to have more open discussions about these issues.

I need your love today guys. Today is my 20th transition related surgery. My body and mind are tired, and it shows–it fucking shows.

I’ve done everything in my power to heal. I’ve given it time (it’s been almost 2 years), I’ve done scrapings, sooo many rectal CT’s with contrast, and finally the big surgery–the gracilis muscle flap which was pretty much supposed to be the fix all. That was January 31,2017.

Today is March 10th, 2017 and I’m going under yet again due to my 3rd complication from that surgery. This abscess is just not healing.

I need to know that I didn’t go through all of this for nothing. I’m making him scope my ass to let me know if I’m healed or not. I need to know. I’m going insane not knowing.

Wish me mother fucking luck. (at Keck Medicine of USC)

can someone who found it tell me how

I apologize, I could have and should have been clearer 

Click the link it will take you to a superior court house page. 

Click the first search engine labeled “case query” and push access now. 

That will then take you to a page to ask you input some random stuff to make sure you are not a robot. 

Once at the page with all the documents to view, go to the bottom one that has ‘view next to it’ and click. 

Other case numbers to search for: 

550630

556743

556713

557327

557363

#19 Me trying to suppress my dysphoria like..