dec 24 2022

1 more week before 2023 and it’s me saying hi. i’m just at home today here in my tita’s place, there is a snowstorm that started yesterday and will i guess last until tomorrow which limits us to go outside. i had a terrible headache today because yeah know, girl things but i took all the necessary meds and vitamins because i hate being unproductive just laying in my bed especially if i have a lot of things going on in my mind. i know, i know be kind to yourself but i just need to get things done before i get really busy studying for my upcoming major exam. i’m trying to listen to all these emotional and sad songs for me to be able to write and reflect on how 2022 went (which is really crazy tbrh). it’s my third christmas away from home! of course, i miss them but it is what it is. soon, i will be reunited with my family <3 just tried to make a post today before i get super emotional writing my 2022 review lol merry christmas ya filthy animals and happy happy 2023! it’s gonna be another big year for us! are you ready? :)

hey self

it’s okay, i will never ever get tired reminding you that it’s okay. you fall — pick yourself up again and again and come back stronger. 

i’m forgiving you on those days that you lose yourself for being so selfless, you were raised to always put others first and i’m not blaming you for treating people that way. it’s okay, but i’m giving you this chance to learn from it. i know that choosing yourself before is such a vague thing for you because all this time you know that you are, but you really are not. this is an aye opener for you to please choose yourself no matter what. 

i’m forgiving you on those days that you never said no because you always put their feelings first before you. you were such a people pleaser. damn, you are so nice. stop thinking about how they will feel that you forget about your own feelings too. that’s why i can’t blame you on those days that you are breaking down but still trying to show up because you really have to and at the end of the day, you only have you to help yourself. those were the signals for you to choose yourself but i know you are overwhelmed with all the abrupt changes in your life that’s why it’s still coming up as a big blur situation. 

i’m forgiving you on those days that you are insecure, i know you have been working on your insecurities and i’m glad that you have more days now that you feel confident and secure of yourself but this is a reminder that when time comes that you feel insecure again, remember that you are always enough, your flaws don’t define you. everyone is unique and your flaws are your asset. 

i’m forgiving you on those days that you feel like vulnerability is a weakness, but sweetie, it is not. you are allowed to feel every single pain and emotions. 

i’m giving you the time to process it, self-love is not just the things you buy for yourself, it is not just the time you have the courage and strength to spend all things alone, it is not just the time you tried to show up even when you are struggling to get up, it’s basically just choosing yourself first. i know it sounds easy but it’s the most complicated thing to do for a selfless human being like you. 

from now on, stop being hard on yourself and always put yourself first. you spent most of your life pleasing other people but this time, in all aspects of your life, may it be work, love and even with your family, it’s time to choose yourself. 

day by day i’m still learning to stay away from my phone and not to hit the send button 

i do not miss you anymore but there are days that i still think about you 

but i’m glad that i’m slowly learning to go back to who i was before i met you 

but thank you because the difference? i’m smarter and stronger now 

embracing every single feeling and emotion to be completely over you. i know that it will take some time but i am trying my best. one day i will wake up no longer thinking about you, the what ifs, about us. one day. 

someone asked “what will you do on those days if it gets lonely?”, she answered jokingly “i have many options, who is he, who are they?” but she regret not giving the best answer “i had been doing all these things alone by myself for my whole existence, do you think i need them?”, it might be true that sometimes it can get really lonely but she has the most positive response to it, to patiently wait. for her, if it really gets lonely, there are books to read and a semester to finish. at least, she tried, it’s just that it did not work out well and it’s not a problem — it’s okay. she can definitely do things on her own, and being alone is not boring. “what are these books doing in my shelf? the ebooks i downloaded? the playlist i curated and even my netflix subsciption, i mean, who told you it’s boring?” 

it’s the last weekday off before classes start next week. and so last night someone asked me out to grab a coffee today but i decided to just stay at home because i’m not really in the mood to socialize. it’s 6:30pm and it’s fair to say that i had a productive day, i cooked our lunch which is wonton soup — when i did some grocery shopping last sunday i saw the wonton noodles and decided to have it for lunch today. ever since i moved here with my tita, my recipe ideas are getting bigger lol. tomorrow i’m thinking of cooking either tofu steak or kimchi jiggae but we will see, depends on my mood. i did some chores today too which includes cleaning the washroom and the kitchen, also laundry. yay, she productive, ehh? while having lunch, i received an email from one of our professors, to my surprise, an assignment which is due next week lol. am i ready yet for a busy life? yes and no. but i guess i’ll choose the busy life over a chill like just because i need to switch my thoughts from everything. i still have to prepare myself mentally, physically and emotionally for the upcoming semester as this will be my last, and for sure going to be a roller coaster ride of everything. my phone is kinda busy today too because i’ve been exchanging messages to a couple of people which is meh, i don’t know. anyway, guess thats it, it’s liberating to post again. i’ve missed this so much. i’m gonna grab my dinner now which is cucumber and apple just because i had too much carbs already eating banana bread all day. 

get someone who deserves you. 

get someone who deserves you. 

get someone who deserves you. 

get someone who deserves you. 

get someone who deserves you. 

get someone who deserves you. 

repeat until (more) convinced. 

i’m getting better at this, tbh. 

i just need to remid myself more.

one of those days where my thoughts are messing up with me again idk i need time to process it again i just wanna be alone and move out loljk don’t make decisions when you’re full of emotions lol ugh lol idk

i’m so done with my research assignment i swear i’m not gonna start doing this again one or two days before deadline. it’s draining as fook, my brain cells were so exhausted :( 

also, i’m so excited for the coming days, planning things ahead for myself and myself only. 

just... random thoughts. 

just a quick post because i can’t grab my journal right now and also because i think i’ve been oversharing everything over at twitter. it’s monday and i love my energy, i got a good night sleep last night omg i forgot how sleeping really helps and contribute to productivity the next day lol which is today — i had a good cup of coffee (but im thinking of exploring more good beans right there) ooh i just love my monday energy, it isn’t always like this everytime so i’m really so happy — this monday energy without any doubts and fears for what’s to come, today i really have the vibe of getting them all, i was just so anxious last saturday planning for this year but today omg i love the energy transition i wil fucking get it. 

also sharing some realizations lately:

1. everything is kinda making sense now, too personal so imma for sure just write it in my journal

2. i’m way too kind to say yes to everything - to give all the things i can offer that’s why i always end up feeling empty 

3. i also love how i’m really putting myself first, i used to really think of everyone around me neglecting my personal space ugh lol eough self, save this for your journal 

4. been really just reading and studying lately, dedicating everything to myself - and i love this! i’m back on track and the switch of prioritiy is such a huge help for my self-awareness 

5. planning for more exciting things yey yay yey 

told you just a quick post and ooooff, end of feb already? 

my 3-ish year old self as my lockscreen. it keeps me grounded. helps me take me back how uncomplicated life is before lol

is it only me? but why do i feel like crying when listening to we’re good by dua lipa? i mean, the song just hits you with how she sang it with full emotions. i never liked dua, or i mean, i never listen to her religiously but now omg i’m in love. when on earth can we attend concerts again :( but anyways, the main point of being here is it’s been tiring for me lately, school plus work. it’s also funny how i have no complaints at all? i don’t know if i can say that i’m enjoying it this time but why does it feel like that i’m not complaining because i chose this life? or but seriously, yes i am grateful for what i have right now but why does it feel wrong to complain that it’s exhausting? (this is from months ago, idk why i have left sitting it in my drafts for so long!) 

this is gonna be raw, like what i always do most of the time. i really wanna share the emptyness i have been feeling lately - i just really feel empty lately? i tried to go out, hang out with friends after school and even spent the weekends at mall despite having a long lists of deadline the next coming weeks for school. i feel like i am not myself anymore, this is not me? but then i realized, i am on the other side of the world. with new routine - everything is literally new to me. many people would love to trade places with me because i am living the dream! of course, i have dreamt of this as well - to be abroad, away from my comfort zone and do things on my own. but lately, it’s different - and that’s when i realized, this is what homesick looks like. i thought i am that “strong, independent” girl who can survive being away from the family, being alone but no - i have to admit that i am indenial at first but now, it hits me. now i know why i haven’t been feeling myself latey because like what i said, everything is new to me, i am away from my family who i am used to be with. i miss the feeling of being completely satisfed just being at home and with my family. now, it’s different. i even tried to depend my happiness to other people which is very unhealthy. i tried to look back, and i don’t remember any of this. turned out, yes, i am in the other side of the world. now that i am writing this all down, i am forgiving myself for depending my happiness to other people. i just miss my family - that’s it! that i thought getting someone will solve the problem but no, i am not attracting a healthy vibe because i, myself, is lost. i am completely not myself, so how will that work out with someone? right? they cannot make me, it’s only myself who can bring me back to who i am. again, i just really miss my family. i felt empty because i am so used to them being with me, and now i am here in canada, surviving things on my own, adjusting to a new life. 

you might have read this somewhere but yeah sure, i am in my point in my life where i will no more chase, i’m done forcing myself to people. whatever’s meant for me will find me because i don’t chase, i attract.

i can see myself more focused doing my task but it gets pretty boring at times lol how can we make it more fun? i can’t say i miss the days when there were no school because to be really freaking honest, i am enjoying school. but making myself entertained while studying should start in me, right? yes. i have to think more ways on how to entertain myself, i do not want to get distracted especially if it’s just a waste of time. well, i just bought a planner and good thing this is an academic planner so it will end next year, i’m excited to write things down, deadlines, assignments and whatnots. okay so that’s already one of the things that will make me entertain, i can’t binge watch yet but let me start watching documentaries again, browse more on pinterest for inspiration, but yeah i am choosing myself over everything, let me enjoy this season! 

i just want to have a private quiet space with no one asking me my whereabouts, the people i’m meeting and just totally leaving me alone. it just gets suffocating sometimes, i feel as if they are watching me (and judging me).

i’ve learned how to stop expecting from people, they come and go and i do not really bother anymore. it’s me saying that today, i’ll focus on myself. before i thought i was so ready, so ready that i can smash it if i’m on that situation. the meaning of focusing on myself from before was a blur whenever people talk about it, i just can’t really figure it how because all my life i’ve been focusing on my growth. but now i understand how it works, on what it means to choose yourself over the things that don’t matter. i’ve deleted everything and it’s really the best decision so far. i was too oocupied by it before that i forget to be myself. i felt burnt out especially because the people around me were also involved. i depended too much to it that i thought it will make me happy and satisfied, but no regrets, always no regrets only lessons learned. this sounds too emotional but damn, i really am. i felt lost, maybe because it’s new to me? new routine and i’m trying to allow someone to be part of my life. i felt exhausted and the best decision so far that i made is to ground myself and detached myself from everything. i miss my daily routine and here i am trying to catch up with tumblr and my journals. self version 2.0, you ready? let’s smash it.