it’s true that growing up depressed is messed up, because you never expected your life to lead you into adulthood. you never imagined having to function as an adult with a job or paying bills and taxes. you thought you’d be dead by now. you never thought you’d be raising children when your mental illness seemed to consume your entire childhood, and you’re not quite sure how to teach your kids happiness now. you don’t care about the little things like the mess, or cleaning your house. it all seems overwhelming and you lose all your friends. but somehow you’re expected to teach your children compassion and friendship and love, when all you’ve ever been is hurt. nothing makes sense and none of it gets easier, but the fact that you’ve gotten this far and you have a little impressionable, unconditionally loving human being to take care of is what pushes you forward.
but sometimes it’s too much. sometimes you have to take stress leave from work. sometimes you need someone else to manage the burden for you for a weekend just so you can have a minute to actually process your life, and make the changes you need to benefit your kids. no one really talks about depression when you have kids. you just assume all the mental health factors fade away because you’re too busy to focus on them. and you are, but slowly you find yourself breaking bit by bit. you’re giving too much on such little energy for hardly any return. you’re alone, even though you’re always around someone. but that someone is hard to communicate with. they’re stubborn, they throw fits and tantrums. and now you not only have to learn to process your emotions, but their emotions become your priority. and neither of you understand how to go about it. tension is at an all time high. and this is from someone who is “recovered”. your life becomes this endless, exhausted whirlwind of a mess that you’re constantly trying to piece together. you’re making mistakes left and right and have no idea what’s right or wrong when it comes to parenting, because you’re all alone. but you love this kid so damn much, and just want the best for them. you think you’re better now, but those thoughts keep creeping up on you. and you wonder if someday they’ll get the best of you, but you try not to think about it. because you couldn’t imagine what would happen to this kid without you.
you don’t think anyone could love that kid more than you do, but what if someone could? what if someone could give them a better life? would they be better off without you, even after you’ve busted your ass to provide for them? and you’re stuck in this situation where you’re not sure you’ll ever get better. and maybe it’ll be detrimental to your kid down the line. because you get frustrated and you yell because you don’t know how to process emotions either. and maybe your kid will end up hating you because of it. maybe it makes you a bad parent. you’re filled with high emotions at all times, and the smallest things break you. sometimes you’re just ready to snap. sometimes you’re so tired and depressed you just let your kid play by themselves for hours so you can get a bit of sleep. and you get jealous of parents who seem so capable of providing for their children and feel like you’re not doing a good enough job, when you’re literally doing the damn best you can. and you don’t want them to turn out like you, but you feel like it’s inevitable. sometimes you’re fine, or you feel like you are. but maybe you’re hiding it. because that depression comes sneaking back when you least expect it. and how are you supposed to teach your child to be happy, when you can’t even find happiness yourself? how are you supposed to show them the goodness in life when you can’t see it yourself?
parenting with depression makes you so lost and helpless and i wish there were answers, or there was a cure to just be the best parent you can be. and i pray for anyone out there who struggles with it as well. because some days it’s hard and you want to give up, but you can’t... some days you’re fine and some days you just want to run away. even as someone who thought they were recovered, those symptoms are still there. you’re fighting constantly to try to parent while managing your illness and it’s exhausting. meanwhile, everyone else is judging you while you sit there alone holding your baby and crying, because you just pray to god they don’t turn out like you did. and that you can somehow save them from all the hurt you’ve felt in your life. you don’t know how to protect them from that.
parenting is hard, but i think parenting as someone with a mental illness is probably one of the hardest, most underrated jobs anyone ever has to do. and all you want to do is search for someone to just ease the tension and make things a little better. but when you have to face reality, it’s overwhelming. it’s too much. but you don’t get time to break down.
i am a mentally exhausted mother, and i pray that all of us mentally exhausted parents out there can band together and help each other. because it’s not easy, and we don’t have all the answers.
my house probably looks like an episode of hoarders, i spent last year getting food from the food bank, i haven’t showered in two days. but my child is happy with a full tummy and sleeping soundly in her room while i sleep on the couch because we can only afford a one bedroom apartment. i hope life gets easier, but i’m under the impression that it only gets harder. however, i’ve been through worse. and maybe someday it will get better. but dealing with this bout of depression after one of the most fun, and best weekends of my life... it’s like the crash after a high. and i wonder if that’ll ever be any different. if someday i can just ride that high and be happy finally. because some days, all of this is just too much.
hope you’re all safe and happy. remember to eat and drink lots of water. stay cozy and get lots of sleep. give your kids all the kisses while they’ll still take them. it’s rough but we’re in this together.
sincerely, bpd mama.
