why iphones gotta take two million years to turn back on after they die like you plug em in and you’re all ready to start texting again but they’re like “nope. i gotta take some time for myself. figure out who i am. you hurt me too much the last time. let me think.”

Justin Timberlake and Anna Kendrick react to Daniel Radcliffe’s story about Donald Trump giving him talk show advice.

they’re so fucking embarrassed and defeated i am screaming

me, jaywalking and making direct eye contact w the car driver that’s barreling toward me: kill me u coward

my anxiety has a loophole that if somebody is else is equally or more uncomfortable I develop the sudden ability to Do The Thing

i cant go and ask for more ketchup for myself but if my friend wants more ketchup im out of my seat in a second

The mom friend override

Okay guys here’s my everyday makeup tutorial as per popular request

symptoms of major depression, or "blues clues,"

This is literally the funniest tweet ive ever read in my life

That shit is wild to me though. ‘This doesn’t benefit me personally, so why should I pay taxes for it?’ The VA doesn’t benefit me, so fuck those 25 year olds with traumatic brain injuries. Medicare doesn’t help me out, so grandpa can get bent. I don’t watch Sesame Street, so PBS? Fuck em.

Like, listen you putrid chuckleheads, we’re trying to have a fucking society here, and part of that is taking care of your fellow fucking human beings. Paying taxes for things you might not use is part of that. And if you view that as theft, you’re a dumb shit who can go live on your own in the tundra and see how well you do.

What she said.

could i pay someone to take over my body who actually knows how to look after it so they can like. make me healthy again and then let me take over once i’m fit n healthy

You mean a personal trainer and a nutritionist

no i mean some sort of supernatural being who can do literally all of the work for me

So like the ghost of a personal trainer and nutritionist

“Технически, я не ходил по столу”…

I’m gonna shit a brick.

I love this so much I might overload and die

i’m sorry to say this, but it has come to my attention that in disney’s descendants, dopey the dwarf has a son named doug — which means that canonically, dopey has fucked

and he will continue to fuck unless we find a way to stop him