† Fuck Off †

i have one hater and it’s this guy

tumblr: now all your liked posts are displayed on your blog! isn’t that cool?

me:

yeah exactly

Why don’t you take a seat in my office

Anime is still a mistake

anyone else horny as fuck right now

Literally what the fuck

Me: Haha wow she can jump pretty high

Me, five seconds later:

What the fucking fuck is this shit!? What even is this, is this an actual anime, is it satire? You know what, I don’t wanna know.

i don’t lose hyperfixations they just go dormant until I hear something about it like a sleeper agent

Hangin with my Gnomies!

#woah loving the blasphemous vibes from thos hats

hey pun what the FUCK does that mean

Blasphemous vibes

Pun I thought you mean blasphemous in the biblical sense and nearly flipped my goddamn lid trying to decipher what about gnome hats was an affront against god

The play I'm in right now is set 300 years in the future (in the eighties) on a spaceship and the director decided that gendered terms like "bro" and "dude" are obsolete, so we've replaced them all with "zorbo." Which is all well and good except that I've had a hard time scrubbing it from my vocabulary outside of rehearsals and I keep accidentally addressing people with "yo, zorbo" and now I feel like I should just lean into it and hope it catches on.

I’m sorry but “300 years in the future (in the eighties)” what the fuck does that sentence mean???

it’s the future but in a 1983 sort of way

I said what I meant

Look at all these zorbos

I love tumblr. I love that tumblr is the best social media site of 2021.

Every other site has spent the last decade perfecting the art of targeted ads. I am a wallet of flesh and blood which must be stripped bare and profiled and picked apart for the maximally efficient way to squeeze profit from my presence. Every other site will fold and morph itself to a shape of my liking - like a fairy tale trickster stealing memories and taking their mold - to lull me into compliance and loosen my coin purse.

Facebook sees me searching fitness equipment and injects my timeline with athletic wear ads. Reddit profiles the subreddits I follow and eagerly promotes a new coding bootcamp or cloud service at every turn. Google overhears me lamenting over my moving to-do list on voice call and fills in my “how much to tip movers” query before I’ve gotten the third word typed out.

Tumblr never even tried.

They could have. The information is there. The basic infrastructure, presumably, exists. Tumblr can recommend me tags based on tags I follow, blogs based on blogs I follow, even posts that for one reason or another may strike my fancy. Tumblr could be - SHOULD be - funneling this framework into advertising, as the only means that free-to-use social media platforms can turn a profit in our capitalistic hellscape.

They just don’t.

Today I saw an ad for treating Hyperhidrosis - a condition, I think, in which a person sweats too much - and I saw it twice, four posts apart, and it is so incredibly benignly impersonally ineptly untargeted toward me compared to all other pinpoint-aimed advertising that I’m endeared to it. Tumblr knows NOTHING about me. 8 years, 51,000 likes, and tumblr has not learned a THING about me.

Advertisements for a mattress? Shitty mobile game ads that don’t make even the slightest pretense at being anything other than a candy crush rip-off? Choose-your-own adventure games either about Royal Espionage or Choosing The Wrong Dress For Your Date with ZERO in-between.

And then this. This here. The culmination, the crown-jewel of tumblr’s nihilistic non-compliance with the state of social media advertising. Any pretense of capitalistic exchange is abandoned at the gas station by the side of the road. This is not a company. This is not a product. This is not anything that fulfills the contract of consumer and seller. 

THIS. THIS IS WHAT TUMBLR HAS TO OFFER INSTEAD.

“Pour vinegar on your bread, fuck you.”

“Put it in the garbage, fuck you.”

“Your wife says you’re a fucking dumbass, fuck you.”

That’s it. That’s the advertisement. You vinegar-breadless cuck. You virgin extraordinaire bereft of bread and garbage can. I am fucking your wife right now in our vinegar-soaked motel bed. She puffs a cigarette which I pulled from the trashcan and we both laugh heartily at her recounts of your immasculine ineptitude. I don’t want your money. I don’t want anything from you. Fuck you. 

Amazing. Amazing. What a state of things to ring in 2021. What a great platform we all collectively choose to be on.

I started screenshotting my favorite ads

Just fucking take a bite out of your soap you piece of shit. Sleep with it and eat it

I don’t even know what this is trying to sell me. Tumblr doesn’t either. The ad doesn’t know either. Did I click on the link? Fucking absolutely. I think it was broken

Beautiful a+ 10/10

A compilation of my favorites:

Hi listen I know I’m OP but I’m losing my fucking mind over this.

Secretly all tumblr advertisements are run by The Onion.

I want to be really clear about something: Planned Parenthood has done more to prevent abortion than the pro-life movement ever has.

Despite this, PP is probably one of the only things keeping it at 13/52 instead of 40/175

That’s not a good thing

hehe funni clown

hehe funni clown