I have words  beneath my nails again

And no way to release them

                Wait for me

                                      Will you?

Dear Tumblr,

You have been there with and for me in the years I have lived at home, between countries. You have been there during my five year transit on the Equator between hemispheres. You have been there through my break-up with a best friend and my introduction to the best friend I thought existed only in dreams. You have been there as my mother remains my other best friend and my brother wandered into familial limbo.

You have been there, on the back seat, as I unpacked the boxes from one life and as I pack the boxes for another life. You have been there during the days and months I needed you and through the weeks and years I haven’t. You have been there through the time differences.

You have introduced me to the world of poetry I knew not how to delve into and to the life I know not how to thank you for.

You were part of the home I came back to in Kenya, and that will always be the only place our relationship belonged. I will continue to have a home and part of my heart in Kenya for as long as destiny permits, but I no longer belong to your world and our relationship must come to an end.

(Just like the friendship with the girl who introduced me to you, one day came to an end.) 

I will have a new home now, where I am sorry to say you will no longer belong. You will neither have a room, nor the space in which I can give you time.  I always knew you and I were finite, and I think you knew that too.

As I bid farewell to my life between countries, I say goodbye to you Tumblr. To my home by the Equator I will say “See you later” and to you I say “Goodbye forever”.

I can only end with a sincere Thank You; because I will forever be grateful to you.

Jas

Happy Holidays and a wonderful end to 2017 to you all!! :)

Counting days (Jasleen)

The one thing I’d change (Jasleen)

Endless Hurdles (Jasleen)

Jars

We bought two jars to place upon the kitchen counter and a packet of the cigarettes each of us liked to smoke. We labelled the jars "he" and "she" and worked out the price per cigarette for both brands. The deal was to put that amount into our designated jar each time either one of us smoked a cigarette. We hadn't yet decided what the money was going to be for because we wanted to see what would happen if we didn't give ourselves a goal.

We should have bought bigger jars and somehow that realisation meant gradually less money was going in each day. It wasn't a conscious effort to smoke fewer cigarettes, it was more the hassle of going to the kitchen to put money into the jar each time we smoked one and the constant problem of not having the right amount.

The excessive kitchen rounds and finding the right change reduced being a problem, and with that came cigarette packets lasting longer and money left over at the end of the week.

One day, money stopped being dropped into one of the jars and a few days later there was no more being added into the other one either. And somewhere along the way while money was still slowly filling into both jars, it was silently and mutually agreed that the monies would go to the child we one day wanted but weren't ready to have.

There is no child yet, but we do have a savings account with some money for its future; and these days there are no smoked cigarettes for which to drop money into a jar so each week we deposit what we don't spend on packets of cigarettes anymore.

Maybe when I get home this evening, we can talk about whether we feel ready and responsible enough to start trying; and we can keep the jars on a shelf in the nursery as a decorative reminder.

You and I are different (Jasleen)

El

It’s interesting, thinking about how you made me start this blog five years ago today, and how much has changed in my life since then. I don’t give it enough credit for getting me where I am today, partially because I keep the two worlds separate. With this Tumblr blog I have gained a million times more than I have lost, even though you - the person who encouraged me to start it - are no longer a part of my life .

I don’t know where you are, how you are or what your life is like these days. I hope you are well and happy, and that you finally realise your strength stems from being who you truly are. 

I want to take a moment to thank you for encouraging me to share my writing, because it has given me so much else to be thankful for.

You taught me silence (Jasleen)

If feels like the blank page between chapters - where I am neither reading, nor writing. Only a few months remain until my next one begins and I am calmly yet impatiently looking forward to what it brings. I await the hand that will join me in writing; until then I am resolved in giving my own hand a break and enjoying the thought process that leads up to it and inks its beginning. A chapter that begins with a kiss and an ampersand - I think we shall call it “Bliss”.

I pulled my walls up, around you - I boxed in the darkness

I saw the lights in the distance - the heights I yearned to soar

And suddenly I knew - you were entirely wrong for me

- I boxed myself in darkness (Jasleen)

Morning wakes to find signs of no sleep - A mangled duvet turned on itself Her cuddly upside-down beside the bed No sheet folds pressed into her pale skin Darkened beginnings beneath her eyes And no water retaining her rings in place

Morning awoke alone today for she was awake to welcome dawn

Even in the darkest of hours you are the light beside me - you are guiding my way home.

It feels like spasms (Jasleen)

I tried to hold my breath and make a wish each time we crossed the bridge sitting side-by-side in similar rows of different bus services. Sometimes with one leg crossed over the other, sometimes with your fingers laced through mine, and once with shopping bags on my lap. I tried repeatedly to not let the coat hanger get the better of the lungs I already knew were not capable. Something about being at sea level made me think I was stronger. Perhaps my self-confidence had more to do with you being beside me than the altitude being favourable. I have grown up with 5,450 feet of thinner air and only today I realised the weakness is not in my lungs, but in who I am. All those times, I let fear get the better of me. The fear of running out of air in my lungs and still having part of the bridge left to cover. It was not the fear of losing my wish, but of not knowing how to make it to the end if I ran out of air on the way there. You’d always manage and I would only get half-way before gasping for breath. I was preempting failure while you were focusing on lung efficiency because habit has taught me to overthink and prepare for the worst outcomes instead of asking for help. 

I found myself doing it again today only after you pointed it out. I was running ahead of myself to deal with something that a discussion could potentially end up avoiding. My mind focuses on the beginning and jumps to the end without really understanding that getting through the middle doesn’t need to be done alone. I now have the task of teaching habit to take a back seat and give communication more importance.

One day, I hope to sit beside you silently as we both hold our breath, make another wish and cross the bridge.