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Commander Maria Hill

@shielddeputydirector / shielddeputydirector.tumblr.com

"I'm not responsible for your stupidity." Plays well with others.
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//my favorite thing is that I've been on hiatus for literal years now but some of you still send me OSHA violations photos and messages about where to look away in movies and TV shows to avoid eye injuries. Anyway, I love you all.//

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//anyway, with how Maria got treated by Marvel MCU in the end, I'm just done with the MCU in general. Haven't been happy with it since ca:tws, so yeah//

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lewd-plants

New goddess idea: She’s an earth goddess of the new age who’s domain is spinning and weaving, but specifically spinning and weaving gigantic structural steel cables for construction and other industrial purposes. Her skin is steel grey and hard to the touch and her hair is like long dredlocks of woven steel. She laughs at shitty architecture deigns that will fall apart if actually built and protects well-made bridges and buildings she likes. She might warn you of unforseen danger if you always wear your proper PPE.

Okay now what do I name her

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systlin

O’sha. 

Obviously 

THAT’S PERFECT

I AM ALWAYS HERE FOR QUALITY WORKPLACE SAFETY REGULATION PUNS

That’s my goddess. 👍🏻

May O’sha bless you with earplugs that are comfortable and respirators that fit perfectly. 

And good steel. Always good steel.

May your steel deliveries be always on time and your rebar strong

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skiptomy

I’m just gonna…. put this here…..

hope you don’t mind

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skyfire85

You know how you occassionally find a nugget of gold on this hellsite? Found one.

May the blessings of O'sha give you both strength and flexibility.

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Alcohol Content

Beer is on averages 4-15% Alcohol

Wine is 12-16%

Sake is 14-18%

Tequila is 35-40%

Whiskey, Brandy and Vodka are all on the 40-60% range

Everclear is 75.5 or 95%

Asgardian Mead, being brewed by beings with powers beyond our mortal ken, would be best written as 150%

Scumble, being mainly apples, would register at about 200-250% if mere mortals were capable of math after consuming it. You can get drunk off the haze over the glass as the regular alcohol tries to escape.

Scumble is actually on the Prohibited Items List, and Asgardian Mead is HIGHLY restricted.

Be safe, and don’t be sorry. Friends don’t let friends drink Scumble.

Agent Hill.

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I understand the appeal of wanting every adult hero to instinctively adopt teenage Peter Parker, but can it really beat the hilarity of acknowledging that at 15 Peter was 5'10", unusually buff, went by a moniker with Man in it, wore a creepy full face mask, and had a tightly guarded secret identity and probably a Queens accent thick enough to have come out of a jello mold, and adult heroes reasonably responded to him by going, “Wow, this grown man is an immature asshole for no reason.”

Way funnier to me than adult heroes finding out Peter is a teenager and becoming Concerned is the idea of adult heroes Retroactively finding out Peter Was a teenager because he admits to being like. 22 and they’re like “Hang on you’ve been doing this for like. Seven years.” and he’s like “Haha crazy right? Anyway it’s too late for you to yell at me about that because the statue of limitations on that lecture ran out when I turned 18”

YEAH this trope is instantly more tolerable if it’s fully adult Peter being like, *listen up whippersnappers because I’ve been around the block voice* “I’m thirty, and—” and Tony Stark, who vaguely assumed Spider-Man is maybe two years older than him because he just has that energy and hasn’t reassessed this for four presidential terms, is like, *drunkenly doing math* “You’re how many”

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mamapluto

Okay but…them trying to talk about Old People Stuff with him, not realizing that he wasn’t alive to remember xyz thing happening, never used xyz technology bc he didn’t exist yet, not expecting him to agree with the fact that some ppl were saying songs they grew up to were oldies, etc

The thing about Peter Parker is that he was raised by senior citizens the way other heroes are raised by wolves. He has the body of an Olympic gymnast and the soul of a malcontented geriatric. This likely contributed to the perpetuation of the accidental ruse.

It’s when he channels Aunt May so hard he makes it sound like he was personally and immediately affected by McCarthyism that the time traveler fringe theory starts really picking up bets.

I agree here, but Parker is ALSO canonically a science and technology nerd. Peter ALSO likes to talk, because he’s nervous, and snarky banter is how he copes, but he tries to avoid any sort of identifying information, creating a situation where he just kind of mirrors whoever he’s talking to, and nobody can agree what age he is. (Marvel characters barely have canonical ages, so I’m making this up) Tony Stark (Late 30/ Early 40s), Comic book ages are fake) has had heated arguments with spider-man about the Starkphone’s latest specs, while also complained loudly about Oscorp, is convinced that Spider-Man is a 30 something engineer, is similarly convinced that Spider-Man probably works for him, and keeps trying to drop hints that like “You know, I respect you, you don’t have to hide from me because I’m your bosses’ bosses’ boss”. Hawkeye (Early 30s) Human Disaster/Secret Agent has reminisced with Spider-Man about being a human disaster, is convinced that Peter Parker is, like, 28 at the youngest. He knows Spider-Man doesn’t collect a SHIELD paycheck or anything, so his mental image is a pretty accurate take on most Adult Spider-Man versions. Brilliant kid struggling to make rent on a studio apartment in Manhattan.  Black Widow (Age ???), Professional Spy actually clocks Spider-Man as a Teenager pretty reliably, but doesn’t believe her own assessment, because this is America. American kids play basketball and worry about Prom, they don’t do this stuff. I mean, yeah, it’s possible, since he has powers and such, but no, he CAN’T Be as young. She refuses to believe it.  Captain America (Mentally late 20s, chronologically almost 100 years old) has no idea what kids are like these days. But he’s been studying 20th century history, and Spider-Man has mentioned an Aunt he’s close with who lived through some specific events. Assuming that this “Aunt” is, like, 20-30 years older than her nephew, instead of 40+ years, he believes that Spider-Man is solidly in his 30s.  Bruce Banner (40s): Is convinced Spider-Man is also an Adult, but for opposite reasons. In Bruce Banners mind, Kids are rude, and Spider-Man has always been very polite to him, therefore, an Adult, although perhaps a youngish one. With his knowledge of Science, Banner imagines Spider-Man as a PHD student.  Thor (Age ???? But quite old) Knows that Spider-Man is an adolescent. How old are adolescent humans? 42? That sounds about right. Spider-Man is a 42 year old adolescent who lives with his Aunt. That aunt, who Thor has picked up is quite wise and venerable, is probably somewhere around 500 years old? 

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dduane

It’s bizarre, isn’t it?

When I was writing him, he was always sort of twenty-three, maybe twenty-four in my head. Yet… not. And also: married. (shrug)

Oh well.

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ultrafacts

So play like a noob? got it

You’re joking, but it actually is a popular theory in chess that a complete noob potentially can beat a master by confusing them - as the noob doesn’t know what they’re doing the master is unable to recognize which of valid strategies they’re pursuing and cannot deploy proper counterstrategy.

Chessmasters when their opponent doesn’t make one of the five approved optimal opening moves:

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When I tell people to delete anon hate, to not publish it, it’s not me saying “ignore it and it’ll stop; don’t fight back.” It is 100% petty and spiteful. Honestly, I can’t think of anything better than the person who sent the hate obsessively checking your blog and refreshing and refreshing, waiting for you to reply, and getting increasingly frustrated when the ask they so masterfully crafted never pops up & you just keep posting cute pictures of your pets and talking about how nice your day was.

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anemptygrave

THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS!!!

Deleting anon hate without any explanation or reply means to give haters the exact importance they have: none.

Some advice I have a hard time remembering at times.

//I'm just a petty bitch, so one time I got anon hate for a ship and I spent the next week doing nothing but content for that ship.

It's one of the few times I ever posted the hate, because I wanted them to know exactly why this was happening. Usually I just ignored it.//

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I love antagonists who mirror the protagonist instead of contrast them. They are the most extreme version of the protagonist, someone with the same dreams and beliefs who believed these things could only be achieved by the sharpest tools. The crushing weight of knowing that could be you.

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*neatly arranges hot and fresh grilled cheese halves on a plate and hopes for the best*

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