Unbendable

I have such a hard time with the way the elf body shape 2 faces just. Fit. On their heads. They just like. Kinda. Struggle. Sometimes??? It’s. I don’t know what it is man. I feel like he’ll and I’m dicking around in the character creator and just like. Why do the faces have to fit like that???

it's so weird to watch youtube drama and it starts out like 'oh that seems like. mildly cringe but mostly harmless' and then like an hour later it's escalated so far I'm like 'fuck okay. fine. sure. in isolation, some of these small actions are fine. But this collection of actions are extremely harmful. I do wish the handful of weird cringe window dressings weren't included but I also see how they have been used by these specific people. augh goddammit.'

And yes I'm following the weird poppy-zena drama thing. I did used to watch their youtube channel, but not follow any of their other socials so realizing just how deep the rabbit hole goes is extremely wild. so much of the stuff they spoke about on their youtube channel is antithetical to their actions off their youtube channel. But also the fact that most of the commentary channels don't actually know how POTS works is wild sometimes because the stuff dealing with Spawn is like. As a disabled adult living at home due to an inability to support myself in this economy, and the way emotional abuse can like... seriously fuck up your ability to like. have the confidence to move forward. And like. Those guys did not want that kid to leave, it was clear. and they kept them stagnant by impacting their health and fucking with their head.

Personal anecdote: my mom used to get on my case constantly to work out a budget because I was so constantly irresponsible and stupid with money, but one day I worked out a budget for what I would need if I was to get an apartment of my own and asked if, as the adult who had lived on her own and always talked about being the one responsible with money, she would look it over and give me advice on what I wasn't factoring in and what I really needed to consider if I wanted to make a realistic budget. Her response was to get extremely angry at me for thinking about moving out, and start asking me why and interrogating me about that. I got no advice about the budget and swiftly learned instead that talking to my mom about leaving was a bad idea. I also abruptly got an income cut and other life issues popped up, but. Dollars to Donuts my mom doesn't remember that this happened. This event literally meant nothing and just doesn't exist in my mom's memory and if I was to bring it up she'd tell me I was just being spiteful and blaming her for all of my problems. But often controlling parents do countless things they do not think of as mattering that leave huge impacts on their kids, and if they've done this shit since that kid is small... even if that 'kid' is an adult now. the abuse has left enough of an impact to fuck with them pretty hardcore into their adult years.

like. it's often really embarrassing to be dependent as an adult, but there's often a lot of stuff that happened when you didn't have any power that like. when you're an adult who's supposed to have power doesn't really change. if your folks have been taking your money since you were a teenager, how do you have a savings? if you've been isolated and disabled since a kid, where's your support system? if it's all you know, how do you run? Parents will complain about a 'worthless layabout' and like. they cut all that kid's lifelines. eventually they just lie down and stop. It's a lot of work to learn how to be an adult all alone.

In general I’m not *really* Canadian patriotic. The main thing is just like “no there’s a difference between Canadian and USAmerican and it’s frustrating to be bunched together by people who can’t tell the difference.”

That being said, if an actor is from Canada I automatically like them better. Simu Liu, Paul Sun-Hyung Lee, Tatiana Maslany, Kiawentiio, Elliot Page, Nathan Fillion, Sandra Oh, etc… I just like. Give them more chances. Like yeah Ryan Gosling is currently the darling of many and one of the most famous men, so sometimes Canadians break through, but Hollywood is an American industry and I do root for the Canadian a little more than USAmericans in that industry.

Yeah, Hollywood exporting a lot to Vancouver and Toronto helps so any name from the Prairies or Territories gets a little extra “woo!” from me. Congratulations from making it out of trades hell. I think She-Hulk probably was terrible but Tatiana Maslany is a fucking amazing actress and if Marvel and Disney tanked her career with that after Orphan Black and Perry Mason that’s fucking devastating.

I keep hearing people are over Simu Liu and like. Mostly it’s probably because he went from Canadian TV star to Marvel Superhero in such a short time he’s kind of bad at handling the stardom. And I also think I would be bad at going from “a guy to superstar” that fast. It seems like Disney is not giving decent PR managers to their stars anymore and that’s a fuckin’ problem. And I would point out which ones seem to have the worst time with it, but it might be a bit like conspiracy. (It’s not the Canadians, specifically)

I am feeling a little loopy and was watching a video and found out someone was from Alberta and that prompted a brain spiral that’s all. There wasn’t a real point to this… sorry. Maybe I am patriotic but my patriotism is just… a kinship with people who live similar lives? I don’t know what patriotism means. “I wish this place was better because I know there are good people here who deserve to live good lives and I wish we stood a better chance”???? Is that patriotism??? Trying to make the place you are better????

Watching a video about Yellowjackets because I don’t currently have the spoons to take in the full scope of the show, but I think if I can take it in in pieces starting with knowing the story first and then experiencing the story myself it will be within the realm of acceptable emotional stimulation for me.

Either way it is very much making me think about a split timeline mystery, and I definitely do want to apply that to the supernatural urban fantasy thing I’ve been half thinking about because it would make the concept of a Vampire Serial Killer who stayed the same age and targeted similar victims with extended periods of dormancy totally work. I could absolutely have a group of plucky youths who grow up and also a second group of plucky youths and the supernatural element would add an extra element of “are they a relative or is this just a weird immortal being.” I would have to be good about character design to make sure that characters being related, older, or unaged but disguised can be told somewhat apart or it won’t be a fair mystery.

Deeply considering projecting my computer to the TV to play BG3 on a bigger screen and also while lounging on couch.

Do desperately need to figure out how to connect Bluetooth headphones to TV as it will also save money on the weird TV headphones I was buying my mom that connected to the cable box but I think have been phased out and are now like very fucking expensive maybe just aren’t even compatible anymore. Like. I don’t think the last ones I bought could even connect. And shit got weird so suddenly and then I think I just forgot about them.

Either way I suck at hearing the TV so like. Headphones. But technically I can do PC gaming on the TV if I can get screen share working probably.

One day I should try and see about that. It would be cool.

I need to get past my issues with the basement, I have a really good space for gaming in the basement if I can get past my anxiety about being in the basement and it would lend me a lot of privacy. It used to be my favourite place where I was most comfortable.

There’s new furniture and stuff down there, and I had a really good TV last I checked, if it still works. With some proper cable management and maybe a new shelf I would probably be able to set up my systems well enough. I think maybe I can start working a little bit on moving past my feelings about downstairs with a different room downstairs. It would be the living room instead of the old bedroom. And I have a new couch finally so it would be different. I think I can run the air purifier and dust and stuff and maybe get a scent diffuser and I won’t trigger my allergies or PTSD. And maybe a lamp instead of the fluorescent lights won’t trigger a migraine. That just occurred to me as something I never thought of. The basement has fluorescent tube lightbulbs. Old ones. I have a migraine disorder. Old flickering fluorescent lights installed by amateurs absolutely could have contributed to part of my discomfort in the basement. That’s something that can maybe be fixed by renovating. I need to seek advice from someone who can identify lighting. Hell yeah. They might even be making a sound that makes me anxious and fixing that will help but that’s probably wishful thinking lmao.

I do just also want more lamps in general because mid level lighting for avoiding staying while addressing pain is something I really need to cope with right now…migraines are a bitch man.

Every now and then I get so used to people posting other people’s videos or people being so big on tumblr that they just ignore most of the reblogs they get that I mostly consider my comments lost in the noise. I rarely comment something like. Mean??? As far as I am aware. Sometimes my social skills are garbage, but I mean, intentionally I don’t go out of my way to be mean.

Every now and then I find out by accident I’ve contributed to a meme chain, though the nature of tumblr notifications being what they are sometimes I don’t find that out until like. A year later and that post is on fucking Facebook and someone’s posting an Alberta meme and there’s me making a dumb fucking offhanded comment about our constant vigilance on rat control. “See; the main thing that seems to come up if you google sephet besides the restaurant in Istanbul”

I do have a hopefully warm memory of one time in a half conscious state I commented on a video where a guy had gotten makeup done by his sister and I suggested a beard contour without fully realizing that like. The video was posted on tumblr and someone would see it, and I just think like… a lot of people with beards have commented insecurity about the look of their skin or beard and if you’re on the topic of makeup already, I thought the fact that there are makeup products made for beard shaping and contouring bearded faces is like. Spread the word. I was worried immediately that guy would think I was calling him patchy when like. The real statement was about like. Gender neutral makeup use, and foundation and contour looks that include and incorporate facial hair and accentuate a “masculine” face without giving up the “glam” of makeup. Which I didn’t go into a rant on but I figured a post about a bearded man looking excellent in makeup might benefit from “oohhh!! Also!! Beard contour exists!! It’s not as well known because men are less likely to wear makeup and they are more likely to have the full beards and need beard contour but it can complete a Look!” Kinda idea.

I am still half asleep so bad damn. I don’t have a point I just can’t sleep and feel like gaaaarbage. And my brain is spewing thoughts that are tumbling around in my head…

I need to figure out a way to try and save my hair. So much keeps falling out. I feel like I need to just cut it all off again, but it seems like a shame after I tried so hard to grow it this long… I don’t know why I’m doing that when I don’t know a thing at all to do with long hair and it’s both too thin and fine for me to do anything with it at any length.

I need to try and commit to getting less overwhelmed by stuff and washing it more often maybe, and maybe stress and hygiene is the problem. Maybe I need a better hair brush and maybe a better scalp treatment… dunno what. All the information is confusing, and sometimes even the advice isn’t really about hair in my type that needs help, it’s hair already doing better. And the places giving advice can be very rude about how beyond help my heart type needs. (Sorry guys with great hair who get asked questions about their hair and decided to make advice sections about it, it must be really hard for you to have been born with a different hair type and have to explain that over and over to people. But like. There is a point at which being being called ugly and balding etc is making me feel like “one day you will no longer be 22 and I hope when you find yourself facing the ways age and or stress or other factors of nature or environment effect your body people will be kinder to you” but also “I hope one person calls you bald and you think about that one person a lot and see yourself in them a little” because I’m a little bit of a cunt sometimes.

I did have a conversation once about growing up white and hair care and like “uh I obviously don’t speak for everyone but there was no ‘touching moments of learning and bonding as a family’ like I was just in charge of it once I knew how to comb it or put it in a ponytail. That’s part of why I cut it off when I was a kid. Hell it was falling out by the fistful when I was a teenager and there really wasn’t any help or guidance. And my mom’s an ex-hairdresser. She could cut it but that just meant I didn’t have control, but I didn’t have guidance. And in general all the shampoo and conditioner in drugstores suck and are made of the same shit with different scents and slightly different ingredients. But it’s mostly water and a few handfuls of soap chemicals. If you feel like they’re making shitty Black targeted products it’s like. Par for the course with most of their other products we just have no standards for good haircare because literally none of us have been taught to take care of ourselves.”

This is overly broad and I am aware I am a child of neglect so like. “Your experience is not universal” so like. Probably some people have parents who like. Taught them to style their hair and how to do self care in a proper way etc, but like. I do feel like I’m not as much of an anomaly as I sometimes think I am, and the fact that there’s a bunch of of white people who also straight up don’t know shit like “what the fuck *am* I supposed to do with my hair???” Or like. “Do I just exist in a perpetual state of dry skin?” Or any number of self care hygiene practices I guess we’re re badly co-opting like the Korean 7 step skincare routine. Which I admit I’m too lazy to follow when I sometimes have to fight the Mental Eelness to get my face clean at all.

Actually now I’m wondering how much is a product of extreme neglect, I’ve met people with the similar upbringing of “here’s a hairbrush, here’s shampoo and conditioner, congratulations you know how to manage your hair. It’s your responsibility now” as soon as I passed through the “no longer a doll I can style and dress up to do as I please” phase, but that might actually be one of those “no seph, that’s another one of those ‘your mom really liked babysitting and had no concept of what being a parent was’ things” and significantly less normal than I think it was.

I realized last night that I’ve spent so much time since I was young having my parents vent to me about their regrets that I have become like. Paralyzed by fear of being similarly burdened by regrets and in the end I’m still full of regrets and I am not sure what to do about that. But I do know that my mom has long since crossed a boundary with me by making me her like. Confidant and shoulder to cry on and comfort and vent space. Knowing all her frustrations about my dad and his family, her nostalgia and longing for her home and childhood, her insecurity and regret. I know I was an accident conceived while she was stoned and didn’t feel like telling my dad to use protection. I know my mom took my behaviour as personal attacks against her, just trying to make her life specifically more difficult. Not trying to make my life easier or trying to figure out anything about myself, it was directly tied to how it affected her and upset her. She doesn’t know what this fully means, just that she was wrong about her interpretation. She will not go to therapy because she insists she’s fine, I cannot convince her that she’s not and it’s weighing on me.

I don’t have a point, I think I’m just vent blogging about. Stress. I don’t know. My stomach hurts.

My brain is absolutely starting to build like… an AU where multiple of my BG3 characters exist at once and contribute to the party dynamics. It is funny to have Lake suddenly become the moral compass of the operation but by nature of being my oldest OC he’s also like. The one with the most character development so I feel like even though I tend to give him bad impulses, he’s also a character I’ve developed adult children for so like. I have matured him and in this universe he’s a Selûnite Life Cleric and while that doesn’t mean he has his shit together… my other set of OCs are Pyrite and Cinnabar the half Drow Wizard who will logic himself out of common sense and morals and the Lolth Drow Draconic Sorcerer who is like. Tightrope walking desperation and ruthlessness, and mercilessly selfish in a way he fully believes is for the betterment of the community. In his own special Lolth Drow way? Idk? Cin and Py are my little disaster minerals.

And Rain is. Just. Basically a prototypical magic knight. But I might have my own perspective of what a magic knight is like so idk.

I also realize I might run things a little on the assassin side of gameplay style. I did infiltrate the goblin camp, figure out the layout, then take out the leaders. Then pick off stragglers as I gathered my energy, finding the best places to strike from and using spells and special arrows and taking out the enemies abilities to use buffs and summon allies as much as possible to get them in small batches.

Doesn’t mean anything but sometimes it feels interesting to wonder what having multiple OCs in the party would be like and what they would play like off each other. Lake being built exclusively to be a heal-tank would be helpful to run alongside Cin The Glass Canon

And my Tiefling Rogue built to be a charisma and cheating monster but doesn’t have a solid character yet. They just exist to demolish stat bonuses and have fun.

I am watching Dungeon Menshi and appreciating the way it fully has translated that DnD vibe of planning around a big boss that you are not really powerful enough to fight but you have improved your way into some fucking guerrilla warfare shenanigans that are like 2 parts hijinks and 1 part would break the Geneva Conventions if they existed in that world.

Like no that’s not *always* how you play DnD, you’re not always murder hoboing through the game, but sometimes you *do* have the meta knowledge of “these are enemies that will kill me so I have to set up my own ambush first” and you forget the whole “in game these NPCs have yet to actually do anything to wrong me yet” it’s more common right now for me playing BG3 because there have been a couple enemies I have been like “I already know I wanna fight them I’ll just fight them” and I end up setting myself an ideal battle situation without realizing “oh right I should. Establish that they’re the bad guys first.” Duh.

Laios and Fallin being ashy blonde vs Marcille’s golden blonde is giving me some fun like. Representation even if they’re a little platinum. I do find it fun when blonde characters are drawn with a less gold shade sometimes? I am probably too half asleep to word myself coherently but the fact that they’re also kinda bulky people with golden eyes is hitting a design vibe that is decidedly Northern Eurasia/Scandinavian that like. Now that I have looked back on that sentence is anything but decidedly. That’s the opposite of decided. That’s broadly like Mongolian to Finnish. I didn’t decide anything on that.

But I like the design. I haven’t been able to log in to Netflix on exclusively my computer so I haven’t sat down and actually watched Delicious in Dungeon yet, but I am now because I’m soak some arthritis pain and phone is what I’ve got.