Today is my first day of work in four years. Granted it is just meetings and orientation, but it is still something else. I can’t believe I’ll be teaching in two weeks. I’m not ready.

I have to go to the college today to enroll in my masters courses. I’m only taking two, just to ease into everything rather than cramming it in all at once nd overwhelming myself. Honestly, I’ve been a hot mess.

I procrastinated making breakfast this morning. And getting out of bed. Getting dressed. Everything. I get my classroom today. I’m freaking out. I’m so nervous. I’m in over my head. Oh boy.

Brian and Colin are going to a race this weekend. I want to just veg out, but honestly I need to give the house a good deep cleaning. No one else helps me clean, and so doing a good deep cleaning is hard when I’m constantly trying to stay on top of the basics. I don’t know what’s going to happen once I start teaching. I can’t be expected to work all day and then come home and take care of everything alone. Even if they’d just clean the kitchen after I cook it would make a huge difference. Right now I do almost everything. Colin puts away his laundry and the dishes. Brian puts away his laundry. But I pick up after everyone, I clean the bathrooms, the common areas, I vacuum all the rooms, take care of the floors, almost all of the pet maintenance is on me. I cook all the meals. It adds up, and I’m overwhelmed. I’ve already started spending a lot of my day working on lesson planning and trying to figure out what I can do for small groups when we break up during math and engaging science assignments. I feel like I’m drowning. 

I need the Ms. F to open the school so I can get my classroom stuff out of my office and into my classroom. Plus see what else I’ll be needing.

I’m teaching math and science, so I hopefully won’t have to do guided reading. I did buy a bunch of books, but I’d rather the kids just read what interests them rather than books that are ‘at their level’ or whatever. As long as they’re reading, who am I to limit them? I’ll have dictionaries for words they don’t know. And obviously I can clarify anything they don’t understand.

I haven’t been on tumblr in a year or so. A really long time basically. I’m not going to try and give an update. Just start blogging again.

I start teaching this fall. Alternative entry or residential or lateral.. they changed the name so I don’t know. But fifth grade math and science. It’ll be an adventure. I have to start my masters program since I don’t have a degree in teaching. That’s exciting. I hope it’s exciting. Overwhelming is more like it.

Paper is due in an hour and a half. Ughhhh. I mean, clearly I’m being so productive right now. 

I waited until last minute to write an 8 page paper. When is it due? Midnight tonight. When was it assigned? A month ago. 

UGhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Kate Nash’s Made of Bricks is one of my favorite albums ever. 

I might be going to England this summer. My sister was going to go, but being 16 she got in trouble and now my parents are offering to send me. Our (step) grandma has a family reunion and needs an escort. I’m down for whatever. There’s supposed to be a really good vegan buffet in London, that I hope to visit. I haven’t been to a buffet in so long, lol. Such a fat kid. But yeah, that’s super exciting for me. 

TMI warning, period and miscarriage talk. 

I am sucking at keeping up with housework lately. I’m so tired. I have been bleeding brown blood for over a week now. My miscarriage was two months ago, so I’m not sure if this is normal. But I’m over it. Mother’s Day has been shitty. Well, Brian and Cheesy Poof took me to dinner, made me breakfast, and I got a present. But today was going to be the day that we were going to tell our parents that I was pregnant. I’d be 18+3. But that’s not happening. It’s shitty. I just want to sit and cry, but that doesn’t seem appropriate. I’m not supposed to still be sad about this. 

I started therapy today. For my anxiety. She wants to focus on my ‘severe depression’ which I didn’t think was that bad. But I’m not mad, let’s get this brain back on track. I’m getting some anti-depressants tomorrow and we’re gonna start trying these bad boys out again. I’ve been explaining to Cheesy Poof how depression and anxiety work, and how I’ve got to take medicine to help my brain get better. I know that these things can have a heredity disposition, and I want to make sure that if ever needs help he knows that it’s okay to do so. I feel a lot of shame, because my parents always made it seem like I could just suck it up and it’d be fine. I won’t let my son feel this way about his health. 

I haven’t been on in a while. Last week I got back on and just kind of read up on what everyone is doing. Lots of people have stopped using tumblr. I follow everyone on Instagram though. I’ve deleted my facebook. Like permanent deletion. It just wasn’t good for me. In March I had a miscarriage at 10 weeks. It was awful. It didn’t take us long to get pregnant, but I still just am struggling with dealing. I know some people go through much worse to have a child, but it’s still horrific to go through. We’ve decided to stop trying until I lose some weight. I’m up to 200 lbs and just very clearly not healthy. I don’t have a good relationship with my body right now, and honestly pregnancy would be very hard on my self image. I know that’s incredibly selfish, but it’s true. I’m going to the doctor tomorrow to get on some birth control. I also need to see if I can start therapy. I’m going through these phases where everything is good, and I get shit done and I can start things and be motivated and all that. But then I have weeks where I just struggle to exist. Everything is a chore. I don’t understand it, but it can’t be okay. I made the appointment while I was feeling good, and now I don’t want to go, which tells me I need to bring it up. I think I’ll start blogging more. I miss this.