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Never Knows Best

@vitaemachina / vitaemachina.tumblr.com

he/him. queer. 18+ only.
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hollowtones

basically, i think the general rule of thumb is: if someone REALLY wants the blood that’s inside of your body, and they’re like… a vampire, or a dracula, or some sort of mansquito, then that’s probably okay. a dracula and a mansquito are made for removing things like blood and swords from inside your body. that’s basically fine.

if something wants to get at your blood, and they’re, say, some kind of murdersaurus, or maybe a really big frog, that’s where the problems start to arise. a really frog is not made for removing blood, and your blood knows this, which is why it is so vehement about wanting to stay IN your body instead of coming out. 

unfortunately this will not deter a really big frog, because a really big frog is full of things like prizes, and value, and quite a lot of hatred, and it would REALLY rather like to replace any and all of those things with your blood, and basically by any means possible.

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I’ve stumbled across an online community of women (mostly) who alter those Precious Moments figures

And I’m obsessed

I love everything about it

God I’m glad this is getting notes because there’s been an important update:

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Oh sunk-cost fallacy, we're really in it now. We are in fact so really in it that if we quit now then everything we did would have all been for nothing and so we have to keep going in

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reblogged

Sometimes you're an ex-Hot Topic manager who's also the Jersey Devil and you're still pretty new to all this stuff, so when Santa Claus invites you to thanksgiving dinner with his vampire brother and everyone is kind of sad that their dad, a giant rat who is everywhere, can't be there (except in the sense that he's everywhere), you just kind of have to go with it.

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vitaemachina

An ex-Hot Topic manager and the Jersey Devil, two sides of the same coin.

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reblogged
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vexwerewolf

Being autistic is weird because I think I'd be entirely entirely immune to the maddening effects of witnessing an Elder God but learning that barnacles are arthropods rather than molluscs nearly gave me an existential crisis

If this post is how you discover that barnacles are not molluscs, I apologize

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vitaemachina

WHAT

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disteal

I think the best advice I ever got to stop myself from getting in my head over issues i was having with a partner/friend was “Are you deciding on ultimatums in your relationship without the other persons knowledge or consent? Are you having conversations in your head where the other party is a projection you supply the responses for? If so; you have done this person a huge disservice in not allowing them to answer on their own terms. You have done so much architecture around this problem in your mind that is impenetrable for anyone who was not there when it was being built.”

That shit really changed my life and honestly? I think made me a nicer person to be around.

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Thoughts that are mutual between cats and their people:

  1. Yeah you're cute when you sleep but you didn't let me sleep either so I'm going to annoy you now because I'm bored. Hahah get poked, sleepy idiot.
  2. How do you not comprehend this when I am literally staring at you. Like I understand that your brain can't understand things this nuanced but come on, how do you not get this.
  3. I don't know if you know that what I am currently doing is an expression of affection, but that won't stop me. Knowing that I showed you that I love you is enough.
  4. I heard a crinkly material and the sound of you chewing so I have to know what's in your mouth RIGHT FUCKING NOW.
  5. I can't communicate with you and you can't communicate with me, so I'm just copying the tone of the sound you're making in hopes that you understand that I try.
  6. You are doing activities beyond my comprehension, and I find this fascinating. I will never understand what the fuck you are trying to achieve here, but I am intrigued nonetheless.
  7. Hey are you ok, you haven't done your weird thing in a while. Yeah I don't get why you do that but I know you do that when you're ok.
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Why did you give the last of your food to that poorly disguised mimic? You were finally at peace with letting go, but now this odd thing won’t leave you alone and is even turning itself into various items in an attempt to aid you.

The mimic is a young one, and you knew that from the moment you laid eyes on it. It was disguised as a crate, but the angles weren’t quite right. The corners were a little lopsided, and if you looked hard enough you could make out the creature’s mouth.

A sigh escapes you as you toss over the last of your rations, not even bothering to stand up as you do so. What’s the point? You think. I’ve been trapped in this cave for days, nobody is looking for me, and the monsters are closing in. Why should I bother even trying? I could just fall asleep now, and let this little mimic eat me too.

The thing is… it doesn’t. It eats your rations, but when you lay down and try to sleep, it doesn’t attack. You do hear it move closer, but you don’t open your eyes until you feel something nudge your hand. As you barely open your eyes, you can see that the mimic has morphed itself into a crude sword. You can’t help but chuckle.

“You’re cute, but I don’t have anything left to give you.” You don’t have anything left to give for yourself either, but you don’t say so.

The mimic doesn’t seem to take no for an answer. It becomes a dagger, then an axe, then a staff, as though it’s trying to determine what your preffered weapon is.

“Listen, I don’t know what you’re trying to do, but it’s not working. I’m not going to pick you up and take you into some other part of this stupid cave system. Nice try, though.”

You turn away from it and attempt to sleep again. As you do so, you find yourself shivering. You really wish, as you doze off, that you had a blanket.

When you wake, much later, you’re surprised to find yourself covered with the warmest blanket you’ve ever had. You quickly sit up, eagerly hoping that someone had cone for you, but the cave is empty. When you look at the blanket, you notice the imperfect edges and the janky seam across the middle.

“…why haven’t you eaten me yet?” You ask the little mimic that’s now laying on top of you. “What’s wrong with you?”

The mimic, still in the form of the blanket, slithers off of you, but it does not respond. Instead, it begins taking the form of weapons again. When it turns into a crooked staff, you reach out, despite yourself. Your fingers wrap around it and you use it to haul your aching, injured body to your feet. “I guess there are probably nicer places to die.”

You know you won’t get far. And you don’t. Especially not without light. The mimic doesn’t seem too bothered, though. When you collapse again, it scuttles off. Perhaps this was simply where it wanted you to take it. Perhaps now you can finally succumb to your exhaustion.

Then, a few minutes later, a misshapen clay cup bumps against your hand. It’s full of water, and there’s a crack in the middle like a jagged mouth. You pick up the cup and you drink, telling yourself it’s only out of desperation. When you set the cup down, that little cracked mouth seems to smile.

This goes on for what feels like days. The mimic helps you limp along through the tunnels, transforming into whatever you may need at any given time. Every time you fall asleep, you expect not to wake up. Yet, you do, usually with a mimic blanket wrapped around you. It brings you food and water when you can.

The biggest surprise comes when one morning, you find you’re pleased to have survived another night. You’re happy to have the mimic keeping you warm. It’s a new feeling, and a confusing one, but it’s not unpleasant.

The other monsters that you know are down here seem to leave you alone for the most part. You aren’t sure why. It crosses your mind that maybe it has something to do with the mimic. Then again, maybe they’re just waiting for you to die. Death is gradually beginning to sound less and less appealing.

The day you catch a glimpse of sunlight down a long and narrow tunnel is the first day you finally feel like your old self again. Your pace quickens, and you don’t need to lean on the mimic’s staff form quite so much. The illusion shatters when you reach the light’s source. A small gap, high above. You curl up on the floor and cry. When you finally have the strength to look up again, your mimic has become a ladder.

Getting up is hard, in your state. Climbing, even more so. But the ladder is the biggest and best transformation the mimic has done so far, and if it wants you to get out, then you can’t let it down.

You feel it push up under you when you reach the gap. It helps you squeeze through, and then… freedom. Fresh air, and sunlight. You lay on your back on the stone, and you pass out.

You wake up at sunset, with a blanket draoed over you. A blanket with a jagged seam down the middle.

Danger. Fear. hide. Become rock. wait… calm. Hungry. find food. Smell food. See light. Dying fire.. Adventurer! Danger! Become box! Imperfect. Noticed. FearFearHumanRaisedHandFearThrowingBracing….

Not hurt. Human sigh. Near food. Danger? Prey?

Gift?

Eat. Filling.

Near human. Human resting. Danger? Observe.

ApproachFearFearFear. Observe. Become sword. Wait.

Nudgefearfearfear. Human sound. Imperfect? Become knife. No? Imperfect. Become axe. No? Imperfect. Become staff. Human sound. Human sound. Human turn. Imperfect?

Wait. Observe.

Human resting…. Human shaking. Puzzle. Human scared? No? Imperfect. Human cold? What do? Fear. Become fire.PainNO. pain. Imperfect. Human shake less. Human cold. Puzzle. Recover. Ideafear. Become blanket. Fear. Touchfearfear.

Touch.

Cover. Warm. Rest.

AwakeMovingFear! Fear! human. Human noise. Retreat. Imperfect.

Observe. Not danger.

Become sword? No? Imperfect. Become weapon? No? Imperfect. Become tool? Become warhammer. No? Imperfect. Human weak. Become small knife. No? Imperfect. Become walking stick. Human reaches. Brace. Touched.

Support. Move.

Human tired. Human injured? Imperfect. No blood. No angles. Darkness? Bad Idea NONONO. Human dry? Unknown. Human stop. Human collapse! Observe. Human in safety. Fix human dry.

Observe. Smell water. Distant. Follow.

Danger. Direwolf in water. Puzzle. Observe. Have height. Idea.

Become stone. Tumble. Pain. Imperfect. Direwolf flee. Perfect enough.

Pause. Recover. Observe. Become bucket. Fill. Climb back up. Spill some. Imperfect. At top. Some water. Perfect enough. Return.

Not back. Smell Direwolf. Fear. Have water. Caution. Observe. Crevice. Pour. Direwolf sound! Fear! Spill! Imperfect! Fear! Become stone! Direwolf approach! Become hard. Direwolf approach water! BadBadBad! Become Problem! Surprise! Bite nose! Bite! Direwolf sound. Direwolf leave. Calm.

Obtain water? Become bucket. No. Imperfect. Large. Become cup. Some water. Perfect enough. Careful. Return.

Brace. Human lift. Human drink. Human resting. Become blanket. Warm.

Time.

Split path. Human confused. Smell. Stagnant. Fresh? Follow fresh. Lead human. Support.

Time.

Smell prey. Hungry. Shake. Human sit. Quiet. Find prey. Split. Support human. Return. Human resting. Feed. Become blanket. Warm.

Time.

Light! Exit! Rush! Approach. Observe. Puzzle. Height. Hole in roof. Problem. Human noise. Human collapse! Human turn. Human noise… problem. problem. problem.

Puzzle? Puzzle. Observe. Climb wall. Difficult. Impossible? No. Approach roof. Reach hole. Puzzle. Observe. Human mimic mimic? Imperfect. Become rope? Imperfect. Human weak. Become staircase? Imperfect. Size.

Puzzle. Puzzle. …Create? Become StaircaseRope? Become… StaircaseRope. Imperfect. Shift. Shift. Puzzle. Shift. Become StaircaseRope.

Human turn. Human pause. Human rise. Human approach. Support human. Human climb. Imperfect. Perfect enough. Human rise. Human pause. Human noise. Human climb.

Human reach surface!

Become blanket. Cover human. Become… friend?

Dude this is an awesome addition. That the mimic thinks so much in terms of ‘perfect/imperfect.’ It makes total sense for something whose schtick is mimicking things as accurately as possible. But the first time it said ‘perfect enough’ was a gut punch at my own perfectionism. So ow

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A strange alien doctor stands near the unconscious body of Padme Amidala. “It appears she has lost the will to live.” A older man with a limp hobbles closer with the aid of a cane. “That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard,” says Dr. Gregory House.

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gwenthebard

-Keeps Padme on life support despite DNR, somehow this ends in him getting punched by Obi-Wan

-Immediately starts putting her on every treatment known to man

-Walks over to Wilson’s office, which is the only part of the entire ship that just looks the same as it does in the show

-Homoerotically complains about how stupid Jedi are, then makes a bet with Wilson on whether Obi Wan is gay or the father of Padme’s twins (Wilson wants House to believe people can be faithful)

-Padme almost dies again. Turns out the treatment’s not working

-“if the dark side nearly killed her, maybe it can save her”

-House uses force lightning to restart Padme’s heart

-Gets brought into Cuddy’s office and told off for using an experimental treatment, and the power of the dark side, in her hospital

-House is taken off the case and foreman is put in charge of the case

-Padme is unexpectedly doing better, but Cuddy refuses to tell House or else he’ll be using the dark side to save all his patients

-House watches on as Wilson tries seducing a relieved Obi Wan while he paces in the lobby. Doesn’t seem to work

-House interrogates Obi Wan about his relationship with Padme, insinuates it’s Obi Wans Fault. Gets in a struggle and once theyre seperated it’s revealed he ripped out some beard hair

-Padme is getting released from the hospital but crashes again with obvious signs of infection. Everyone blames the dark side of the force

-is put in intensive care again, everyone thinks she’s going to die, House is brooding.

-House meets Bail Organa and talks to him, Bail mentions how he was so worried about her the last time she was in a hospital, and this seems much more hopeless

-“what time she was in the hospital?”

-House marches in as they’re about to pull the plug, rolling Padme’s unconcious body over to point at dark spot on the back of her neck

-Foreman looks disapointed, “it’s a bruise house, her husband nearly snapped her neck.”

-“Our princess’ boyfriend here failed to mentioned she was scratched by a Nexu on Genosis years ago. Nexu claws are known as a vicious poison.”

-“it would have killed her years ago”

-“unless a small chunk of claw stuck in her back, working into the muscles near the nape of her neck for years. The little prince of Darkness chokes her, pressure and muscles spasming lets it work into a blood vessel. It’s why the force lightning only was a bandaid, it vaporized what was in her bloodstream but broke up the rest of the claw and let it enter in her bloodstream. Start her on dialysis, she’ll be fine by tomorrow afternoon.”

-Next day Padme’s wheeled out of the hospital with her two children, bittersweetness. House watches from balcony before going back to his office

-Wilson enters with his shirt unbuttoned and a few bruises on his neck, declaring, “the Jedi is gay. I win.”

-House holds up a paternity test, “he’s bisexual, it’s a draw”

I’m HOWLING this is the funniest thing I’ve ever read

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youtube is a wonderful place where people think that steve from minecraft actually has a chance at being playable in smash bros

does everyone reblogging this now that minecraft steve has been added know that he is widely considered to be the best character in the game and sufficiently unbalanced that some tournaments ban him

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vitaemachina

I just had an intense flashback to arguing on a gaming forum circa 2003-2004 about secret unlockable characters in Melee. There was such a high degree of "My Uncle Works at Nintendo" cited in that community. Pretty sure the characters in question were Sonic and Wario? Sonic always felt particularly wild to argue about because 2003-2004 was before many Sonic games had been released for Nintendo systems.

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you have to stay alive. you're going to be such a beautiful middle aged freak. young freaks will see you in the street and know that things can be okay.

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