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pls reblog for sample size etc
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crying because i call myself my dog's mom but i'm probably more like a sister to him and the way i love people is always spilling out over my hands in milk so yes i got told a lot you try too hard as a kid and i didn't know what that meant i just try to shove everything i care about under my wing and hold it there so every feather acts as an umbrella and if you're normal that's okay they'll say you're kind but if you're not normal it is a problem and someone who says they're an empath watched me fall down on the train and refused to give me the hand up
and yeah maybe i'm kind of bitter because every time i try to open up i only get to the bones of the thing before someone else takes up the whole room with meat and gristle and sparknotes of their own life painted in a pelt across my palms and just as i'm tryna clean up one mess another seems to pop up and it's really difficult to explain to your therapist that the problem is that you are too aware of the problem and that you keep fucking up and it's really difficult to explain to your partner i have no faith in the concept of love and life is a lot of sliding down these days, turn my body ice and moth, and that's okay! i am broken upside down like an egg and i am going to love you like an explosion and a star and a fucking galaxy! i'm gonna be too much
because god forbid you feel like me! god forbid you know what it's like! holy shit, god forbid. i'm gonna love you because i didn't get love. i'm gonna love you because otherwise the world is too cruel. i only live in the dark. maybe i'm a martyr. i think it's more like - i need to be right about this, about hope and trying and community. i'm going to be right about this, even if i need to set myself on fire to procure the warmth. come take it then, come latch on. i need you to be okay so someone is okay. so there's a reason i was born. i need it to work. i need to be shelter. a lighthouse. endlessly giving more.
i need to be. holy shit, god forbid. i can't live in a world that's only storm.
popsongnation reblogged
This was a whole thread, here are some of my favourites:
popsongnation reblogged
i got my isbn today for the book. 8 months to go. my mom and i were talking about what the next steps are. i was eating trail mix, standing on one foot, phone tucked into my ear.
"yeah," i said. "the problem is that tumblr as a market is like, not something that can be studied." there's this weird wave of nostalgia and affection for this place that came up over me: how lovely we avoid consumerism. okay, it sucks as a creator. but also? keep stickin' it to 'em.
my mother made the sound at the back of her throat that i also make, the one that means i've got an idea. "you should figure out some kind of reward for presale amounts. maybe you give out poems or a mug or a signed book or something. would your followers like that?" my mother is sweet, and kind, and i have no idea how to explain on this website you can buy someone crabs.
i put more m&ms down the hatch. i had to speak through peanuts and almonds. "if it passes 25 thousand i will print the book out in its entirety and eat it live on camera."
"oh god. no, you don't have to do that." she was anguished. "just tell them that you'd love them to read it, and that they've inspired you to write. you got started on that site, and they helped you keep going. raquel, you love these people. the community? you talk all the time about the other writers and artists and whatever else. tell them that you're hoping for their support, they'll come through."
"no," i assured her. i discovered i had dropped an m&m, but an ant had already found it, so it belonged to him now. i will let his little life have a surprise blue treasure in it, too. "i'm gonna fuckin' eat the book."
it's yours in september, by the way.
i owe you all the moon. i owe every person who read my work and supported me and asked where they could buy the book i-hadn't-written-yet. thank you for being here while i put my life & words in order. thank you for being mine, in the way we are each other's. i'm yours too. i have been on this site since i was 19. i am now 30 (yikes). we have spent over a decade together. you have all watched me process each part of my life.
and yes, it's stupid, because it's just a broken little website. but. and not in despite - but because of how silly it is, that we are here and it is community, and we have somehow all survived -
it's our little home. and i fucking love you guys.
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me, a german dependent on public transport, repeating my daily affirmations into the bathroom mirror while gripping the sink so hard it hurts: strikes are important no matter how badly they affect me strikes are important no matter how badly they affect me strikes are important no mat
popsongnation reblogged
Kristof Kintera - all my bad thoughts
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Kathleen Glasgow, Girl in Pieces
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Anonymous asked:
Danny Phantom AU, where Vlad knew about Danny Phantom being Half-Ghost, before ‘Bitter Reunions’... What if Vlad hides his plans to take over both worlds from Danny?... What if Sam/Tucker (around Season 1) learn about Vlad's true evilness, and show proof to Danny?... What if Danny feels betrayed and believes that Vlad only liked Danny for being half-ghost? (Which isn't true) ... What if Vlad is heartbroken that Danny rejects him, and Vlad angrily blames Sam/Tucker for 'ruining everything'? 💔
I love this idea but see it diverging at the halfway point because Vlad is 1) an accomplished liar, 2) sly as a (silver) fox, and 3) experienced enough in manipulation tactics to know how to invalidate Sam and Tucker's claims while making himself out to be the victim. In other words, I don't think Vlad would even get a chance to be heartbroken because he's just that fucking good. Observe:
"How?" Danny stood before Vlad, quivering with rage. Tears threatened to spill from his flooded eyes. "How could you do this? How could you be so"—he struggled before finally spitting the word—"evil?"
"Oh, Daniel." Vlad sighed and sank onto the couch. "You don't actually believe these outlandish claims, do you?"
"They have photos of you in your lab! You in a ghost form! With a cape and fangs and weird hair and everything."
"Photos." Vlad nodded. "And which one of your friends is the computer whiz? Tucker… Fowler, is it?"
"Foley. What's that got to do with anything?"
"Does Mr. Foley have access to Photoshop?"
It took a moment for the implication to absorb through the blinding veil of Danny's anger. A seed of something cold and painful burrowed into the soil of his broken heart. It felt like betrayal.
"What are you saying? Tucker photoshopped those pictures of you?"
With a meek look of apology, Vlad spread his hands and shrugged.
Danny's head spun. "But that—no. No, he wouldn't. Why would—he… What about the documents?" He jabbed his finger victoriously. "Your journal! All those evil plans you—"
"I understand your friend Samantha is an aspiring author. Fiction, I believe. I've read her work in the local student magazine. Very talented."
Another blow. Danny felt the seed sprout into a choking vine, wrapping its tendrils around his heart and squeezing it until it felt like the muscle would burst.
And Vlad. So calm and patient. Sitting there with his hands clasped over his knees, giving Danny the most sympathetic expression. Danny wanted to simultaneously burst into tears and fly into a destructive passion.
"They wouldn't. They couldn't. Why would they…"
"Oh, Daniel." Vlad reached out to him, his face bent with worry. "Come, sit down, dear boy. You look exhausted."
Danny stumbled to the couch and dropped onto the cushions as if the weight of the world were perched on his shoulders. Vlad slid close and put a soothing arm around him.
"Don't you see, Daniel?" He tamed a wild strand of Danny's hair, and the fingers continued their stroking. "This is a simple matter of jealousy. Your friends are jealous of the time we spend together—time that takes you away from them—and they're trying to get you back. It's a tale as old as humanity itself."
Tears skidded down Danny's cheeks. "But it's—these are serious accusations."
"I know."
"Why would they make up something like this, just because we don't hang out as often? I mean, why go through all that trouble? Why… I can't believe they'd actually lie about this."
"Everyone lies, Daniel."
"Not to me. They've never—well. I mean, nothing serious."
Vlad sighed. "It may surprise you to know that I was in a similar situation myself once. When your mother first took a shine to your father when we were in college and began spending more time with him, I became jealous. I missed the hours Jack and I used to spend together in the science lab, just the two of us. I acted out and fabricated lies, made a perfect fool of myself." He shook his head. "It was so silly, now that I think about it. The college reunion last year was my way of trying to make it up to them, apologizing for my past behavior. And look where it's led."
He smiled, gently tugging a lock of Danny's hair.
"I got to meet you, the most wonderful and unique young man in the entire world. I can hardly blame your friends for wanting you all to themselves again. It's really the sincerest compliment, when you think about it. You mean so much to them that they would invent the most outrageous fabrication, slander me and tarnish my reputation, just to have you back. You're that special to them."
He finished with a paternal smile, and Danny turned to him, blinking more tears down his face. Vlad pulled his red handkerchief from his suit pocket and wiped Danny's dripping cheeks. The cloth was smooth and fragrant, and Danny leaned into its warmth.
"I'm sorry," he croaked. "I shouldn't have believed them—"
"Shh, shh, my dear boy." Vlad pulled him into a sideways hug and planted a kiss on top of his head. "You couldn't help it. To their credit, they did excellent work. I'd be inclined to believe it myself if I didn't know better!"
When his chuckle failed to lift the misery from Danny's face, he sighed and rubbed the boy's arm.
"I suppose it's my fault, really. I'm a lonely man, and I've been too greedy with you. I must remember that you have friends who need you, too." He pulled back. "Perhaps I should return to Wisconsin for a few months, let you and your friends enjoy the rest of the school year and—"
Danny grabbed hold of his arm. "No, please, don't go away. I—" He dipped his blushing face. "You're special to me, too."
Vlad stared. Then affection tugged at the corners of his downturned mouth. "You don't know how happy that makes me, Daniel."
This time it was Danny who initiated the embrace. Vlad wrapped his arms around the boy and smiled over his shoulder. It wasn't a nice smile. It was leering, cunning, too sharp.
"Perhaps I can arrange for your friends to come over more often," he said. "We can work together instead of separately. I'll even throw in some ghost-free recreation time. How would you three like to spend a few days up at my lodge in Aspen? Skiing all day, hot chocolate and movies at night, not to mention the enormous hot tub I have."
"Sounds great, except they hate your guts."
"Maybe once they get to know me, they'll change their minds."
Danny glumly pulled away. "How am I gonna face them? I mean, they're so convinced you're evil. What can I say? How do I tell them you're not what they think?"
"You don't have to say anything, Daniel. Not right now. Just let them speak. Look for the truth behind their lies. Once you see that they really just miss you and care about you, everything will become clear. And for the record, I have no hard feelings toward them. Be sure to let them know that when the time comes."
Danny sniffed wetly. "You really are a good guy, Vlad."
"Except for when I cavort around my lab, wearing a cloak and fangs, of course."
Danny laughed, and the spell was broken.
Everything was going to be okay. He would talk to Sam and Tucker, get this whole thing straightened out. And if he couldn't, well… maybe they needed a break from one other. Just until the lying and photoshopping and libelous works of fiction stopped. Everything was going to be okay.
As if sharing the same thought, Vlad reached over and grasped Danny's hand, lifting it to press a chaste kiss above the knuckles. He met Danny's eyes. Heat bled up Danny's neck to stain his cheeks pink. He bit his lip.
Sam and Tucker would never understand this, either. But that was okay. He wasn't going to let their lies come between him and the man he loved.
popsongnation reblogged
there’s death of the author and then there’s whatever the fuck is up with danny phantom
Look, I am not a violent person. I am a Danny Phantom fan who will gladly, 100%, given the slightest opportunity will wake up from terminal exhaustion to go throw hands with Butch Hartman behind a Waffle House.
... Wait do the newer fans even know why?
... Wait. The newer fans probably don’t know why.
*deepbreath* OKAY SO.
It’s the mid-2000s and I’m living my best live as a Danny Phantom fan. The type of fan that’s absolutely having a lot of fun actively supporting the show as it airs, who found Butch Hartman’s Official Forum along with a couple of smaller Danny Phantom fan forums. Who read lots of fic on fanfiction.net as it was happening, as well as looking at the fanart on DeviantArt.
Remember that this was before AO3, before Tumblr, before Facebook.
The Butch Hartman forums were a main source of fandom content: We shared official media from ways to watch the show legally to early fan-run transcripts to art by Butch and others who worked on the show.
And. Heh. Remember: Danny Phantom premiered in 2004. Gay marriage wasn’t legal anywhere in the U.S. until over a month after the show premiered, and then it was only in Massachusetts. Remember that! The entirety of DP’s run ended in 2007, and we only got nationwide gay marriage in 2015.
I no longer have receipts, but by 2006, Butch Hartman, and the woman he’d chosen as an administrator for his forum, were both being extremely homophobic towards fans who had gay Danny Phantom ship.
I was legit friends with the admin at this point. Zcat6 was the username she went by, but I’ll call her Z. I had absolutely no direct contact with Butch Hartman himself, but I interacted with Z on a daily basis, and while she eventually proved to me that she was both an asshole and a liar, I had no reason to disbelieve that she was representing Butch’s opinions wrongly on his Official Forums, the ones linked to his Official Website and such, that he made Official Butch Hartman Announcements on.
Zcat6 was the admin of the Butch Hartman forums (BHF) as well as one of the main Danny Phantom centric fanrun forums, the Danny Phantom Online Forums (DPOF).
I was 17 years old when she made me a mod of the DPOF. My friend whom I’ll call AP, who was later revealed to be years younger than me, was also made a mod of the Butch Hartman forums the same year. (When it came out that AP was literally 14 years old, she and Z had a Discussion and AP was restricted to modding just the Role Play forum sections. Now that we’re both in our 30s, AP and I have literally had the conversation that we were both much to young for these responsibilities.)
(ALSO NOTE: this was, in retrospect, a HELL of a red flag. Do NOT accept online responsibilities when you are literally unable to sign a legal document for yourself, folks.)
Anyway, fan behavior is fan behavior, and slash pairings are inevitable in fandom. In the early 2000s they were almost more inevitable than they are today!
Heh. So. This is when BH and Z start showing their asses, with a policy that fans who post M/M fanworks of Danny Phantom characters would be banned from Butch Hartman’s forums. Z followed it up by also enforcing it on the DPOF, where I will remind you: Butch didn’t own the site or anything, that was all Z. (Note that F/F works would probably have gotten the same treatment and it was probably written in the policy that way, I no longer remember. But they were so much *less common* I genuinely do not remember encountering any in these years.)
Cue about 18 months of baby Chroma, under a fanname long abandoned in the wake of This BULLSHIT, arguing repeatedly with Z that, uh, hey, this wasn’t cool. Especially as Z turned it into her own fucking crusade, but that’s another... *phew* That’s another dump truck full of bullshit I don’t want to shovel out tonight.
Throughout all of this, by the way, Butch Hartman is very hands off with the running of his Forum, and trusts most of it to Z. I never actually discovered how Z got this job, btw, but she was more than willing to march to these orders.
Every single argument I had about this policy with Z ended with her saying that she was simply respecting Butch Hartman’s wishes for his characters.
Baby Chroma had learned of Death of the Author by this time, and had her early Feminist leanings honed by being a Tamora Pierce fan and her first fan forum being Sheroes Central (woot woot) and was like: “Okay but you have this exception for this person where they post all their queer stuff under an entirely different username than they use on the forums and don’t have the two associated with each other, why don’t you at least offer fans that option when you ban them?” (she never did)
Because, you see, another big part of the argument, for Z, was to Protect the Children - because it wasn’t *just* that you couldn’t post M/M fan content on the BHF or DPOF... if you posted any queer fanwork featuring Butch Hartman’s characters, anywhere on the internet associated with your username, you were in violation of the forum rules and could be (and often were) banned.
Remember how I said Z turned it into a crusade? yeah, the lady literally was on a witch hunt for these people. Again. Dump Truck. Bullshit. Not shoveling tonight.
I’m often disappointed in Baby Chroma for putting up with that bullshit for so long, to be honest. I don’t remember the forums name, but the other big DP forum of the day, that wasn’t run by Zcat6, did not have this poilcy and did not put up with Z’s BS, and while Baby Chroma didn’t click well with the people on it back then, I regret not defecting to it and having fun with them.
And well, when I found out that Butch Hartman was an evangelical christian type.... lets just say I wasn’t surprised, by that point.
So. I left the DPOF in early 2010, after the show ended, a somewhat traumatized mess, in retrospect, after literally all the modstaff got fed up with Z’s bullshit and quit at the same time and then were banned by Z within fifteen minutes for the next fifteen years, and I literally couldn’t look at any Danny Phantom fancontent for almost a decade due to, what in retrospect I know to be, literal PTSD symptoms.
And I was delighted to see, when I was able to come back to the Phandom, that the Queers had both taken over and were continuing to raise their middle fingers high in Hartman’s direction.
Because fuck you, Butch. Whatever you said to Z, whatever you did, you actively enabled her witchhunt, and her harm towards me and the other queer kids on those forums was REAL. You wanted to shove all of us back into the closet, to shame us into being normal kids.
I never got to see a Trans!Danny when I was an active fan the first time around, when I was in high school and college. I never got to see Gay!Danny or Bi!Danny or Poly!Danny. You robbed me of that, in ways I can’t get over.
Danny Phantom isn’t Butch Hartman’s anymore. It hasn’t been for years. It’s ours, and to give it back to him is a victory he doesn’t deserve.
popsongnation reblogged
I am really enjoying reading about the University of Wisconsin chancellor fired after the university discovered all the pornos he and his wife were making.
Generally when someone has a public sex scandal (or “scandal”) you get the standard “I am sorry. I regret it. It was a misjudgment on my part” but this guy is like “fuck you I didn’t do anything wrong. I didn’t violate conflict of interest clauses, you are violating my first amendment rights”
SEXY HEALTHY COOKING
I want to see this legal battle
We can’t do anything about hate speech but if there is consensual sexual activity involved!
I want the details about how this was discovered because it has a real “I saw the professor at the devil’s sacrament” “girl what were YOU doing at the devil’s sacrament 👀" vibe
Apparently the not sex parts are available on YouTube! You can see humanized SWers and two people who literally use the username "sexyhappycouple" and do absolutely nothing wrong.
Apparently they upload the sex scenes to only fans at the same username. May just send them some financial support tell you what
Let the old man and his wife FUCK
popsongnation reblogged
happy december
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it is the first snow today. i think we should all have off work, even though it didn't stick. i think there should be 4 national holidays, one for each season. happy first snow, go home and make cookies. for spring it can be the first crocus. for summer the first lightning bug. for autumn, the first golden leaf. go home, kiss your dog, feed your cat (who is absolutely already-fed but somehow still starving.)
i think we should all take more showers together, but i mean that in the soft way. i mean it like taking a nap. two years ago i had 5 adult friends in my queen bed, all of us laying across each other, head over belly over thigh over hand. any time one of us would giggle, it would ripple over each of us, like pulling on a spiderweb. kim actually needed to nap and didn't get to sleep and i am still sorry for it even though this is one of my most precious memories.
i think we should all wash each other's hair, i mean. i walk my dog and i watch someone put up twinkle lights around their front porch. alex and i just moved, and i love the neighborhood. already so many of our new neighbors have stopped by to say hello. the nice lady downstairs also collects plants, like me. she gave us her number on a pink post-it note. i am trying to decide whether to make her cookies or brownies.
i am going through a very hard time. something bad happened this weekend that i do not wish to discuss. it is hanging over me. i think of the green ribbon, and the woman who had her throat cut. it feels like that sometimes, inside of my body. like i am walking and talking despite being half-corpsed. like i am hanging on by a ribbon, standing on some kind of cusp. i keep saying - at least it wasn't worse. we are so lucky it wasn't worse. the idea is river-rock smooth now, all the edges worried off.
in this very dark night - the sun sets by 3 now - people don't need to, but they try anyway. they paint the missing light into things. i have an embarrassing number of missed calls and texts, but i feel the love from them nevertheless - hey. if you need something, i'm here. i will bring you food/puzzles/anything. i got you.
i think we should all have a big group chat where we do errands with strangers. this week i got lost in a home depot, which is wild because i'm a lesbian and we are actually hatched in a lowe's lumber section. there were two other women in the whole store. we ended up shopping together, at first by accident (we all needed things in the same aisle), and then because, well, why not. one of the ladies was taller than me, so she pulled down the screws i needed. i am agile and have the personality of a raccoon, so they sent me after anything below 3 feet. we talked about holiday plans and never learned each other's names, but did learn all the drama about each other's families.
i am making you cupcakes, because i have so much affection i want to pour it into batter. you ask me if i am eating enough per meal. i wrap your gift twice, trying to do it prettily. i get excited to give it to you, just because i hope you'll be excited too.
my parents drive an hour just to see the new apartment and to do the parent thing; standing in the kitchen saying things like "oh you'll get so much use from this dishwasher" and "well, you could paint that" and "when your mother and i moved it was uphill both ways and in a snowstorm and of course your brother was an infant." my mother brought me a plant for housewarming. i always say i love you before she leaves.
i play dnd on tuesdays still, after all these years. we all keep that night free. at one point, between grad school and marriage and all of it, we had to have a serious discussion about how to keep it running. we will keep going, we decided eventually. just to see each other, even if we don't play - you are all important to me. sebastian is not prone to affection but last night he stole my usual sign off - i love you all, be good, he said. he was laughing.
i don't love the winter, actually. i like snow in theory, but i grew up in the north, and am too-familiar with the season of "mud and sludge". i don't like being cold. but i do love something kind of soft and rare: every year around this time, people remember oh yes. you and i are human together. and i have love to spare.
it is the first snow, and something in my heart is finally warm again. i have spent what felt like the last 18 months just going-through-the-motions. it has felt blank and immediate, like i would never actually feel again. that sounds extremely trite and stupid - but that is the boring and familiar experience of depression. life just washes up against your windows, and you watch it happening. you see things that should be lovely and affecting, and it just whispers too-thin. i was desperately uncreative. uninterested in my hobbies. unimpressed by my writing. i told my therapist, often, i don't know how to find hope again.
almost sheepishly, something strange and lovely is burning in my chest. i keep not-looking at it, worried it will scamper back into the shadows again. it is skittish and wild, but it is so warm i want to sink my hands into its fur and feel it breathing. i love-hate it: if it's real, it can hurt me when it leaves again. but i am icarus-born, sun-lover and poet: i can't help myself. despite my best intentions, i am falling in love with life again.
i am planning to make cookies for my friends. alex and i are going to go christmas tree shopping. we picked out matching dish towels last night, and they have little mushrooms on them.
i love you. it does come back. yes, even after a long time. even for you. i promise. keep trying. you will wake up and it will be a day you can smile about.
write me when you get there. we will take the day off of work, and i will wash your hair, and we will both be laughing.
