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neilnevins

Bugs Bunny could singlehandedly defeat Thanos by dressing up as a TSA agent and setting up a metal detector in the middle of the battlefield saying that all metal objects must be removed if you want to pass on through now stick around for my 2,000 word essay on just how effectively he would convince The Mad Titan to comply

“For shame, doc! Dontcha know we got other folks waiting?”

(Thanos looks behind him and sees dozens of Bugs Bunnies dressed as angry yelling travelers with huge bags of luggage. Thanos rubs his neck guiltily and begins sliding off the gauntlet)

I felt compelled

I don’t think I’ve seen such a finely crafted Looney Toons joke in over two decades. Bravo.

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i feel like when i first started hearing the phrase “oh that fucks” it was in reference to something that had kind of a charismatic machismo to it and did sort of carry the sense of “oh that thing is sexual and can Get It” but it’s now transformed into something that just means “wow i really like that thing” and that’s so funny to me. like i just said “this rug fucks” what does that mean. can this rug get it

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cunningly avoiding tooth decay by going to bed with a single square of chocolate on my tongue for the bacteria to snack on instead of my teeth

Fun fact! The bacteria in your mouth dont eat your enamel! They only eat sugars and such. The stuff that eats your enamel is the byproduct produced by the digestive process of the bacteria. In other words, the thing that causes tooth decay is the bacteria’s equivalent of shit, not the bacteria themselves!

cunningly avoiding tooth decay by going to bed with a single piece of toilet paper on my tongue for the bacteria to wipe their ass on instead of my teeth

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amygdalae

Keying/graffiti-ing someones car is old news now if someone cheats we go at their wardrobe with a seam ripper

yknow what? Fuck you *unstitches all your shirts and jeans*

My mother did this to my father once. They got into an argument, my very pregnant and hormonal mother stormed off…except they lived in a tiny apartment so the only place to go was to shut herself into the closet for a good long sulk. And while she was sitting in there, fuming, she looked up and saw her sewing kit on the shelf, and all my father’s uniforms hanging right there.

So she picked one shirt and one pair of trousers, carefully, methodically ripped every third stitch out of every seam, and then hung them back up together so that he would be likely to pick them at the same time. This took her a couple hours, so by the time she was done, the anger had worn down. She came out, she and my father had a talk that ended in apologies, after which they were tired and went to bed. My mother swears up and down that she meant to warn my father about the sabotaged clothes in the morning, but he wore a different uniform set and they were both still feeling a little raw, so she didn’t want to bring up the fight again. She decided to tell him that night instead.

And then she forgot.

Anyway, about four days later, my father apparently came home roughly an hour after he left for work, his clothes slowly, gently shredding off his body, the most bewildered expression on his face. “Paula,” he said, his voice mildly shell-shocked. “Paula, my clothes are broken.”

My mother promptly burst out laughing so hard that she went into labor. And that’s the story of my birth, heralded by petty vengeance and utter confusion.

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My bearded dragon is fascinated by the falling snow outside. He keeps going to the window to stare at it. He woke up from brumating to look at the snow.

He’s a desert species smh what does he want to do with snow...

artist rendition of my lizard absolutely entranced by the falling snow 

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glumshoe

dandelions deserve more respect than they get

you say “weeds” I say “widespread non-native edible plant and early-blooming pollinator resource that is not considered invasive because it behaves politely and does not cause deleterious ecological consequences”

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