These kinds of responses are my FAVORITE. Some examples to answers to this question I have heard:

1.

“Okay, and who’s the president?”

“Obama, no wait, shit *vehemently* fuck, I hate him… what’s his name…”

“It’s okay, you know who he is.”

2.

“Who’s the president?”

“*drunkenly angry and confused* ..uhhhhhhh…Orange… damn it what’s the fuck’s name….

“Yup, good enough.”

3.

“And who’s the president,”

“Not fuckin’ Obama!”

“I feel ya.”

4.

“Who’s the president- wait, nevermind you’re from Korea you said, right? So who’s-“

“Everybody knows that Trump-bitch.”

“Oh, well, alright then.”

5. (My personal favorite)

“Who’s the president?”

“Ew.”

“Good enough.”

My roommate is a neurologist and has to do this check all the time. Her all-time favorite so far has been “ay dios mio” during which the woman was vigorously crossing herself.

lol me too , lady

Oh man I get all kinds of great answers for this.

When someone asks what I’m smiling at on my phone

i like when you’re in the grocery store and you see people buying eggs because they always pick up the carton and then open it like it’s a metal briefcase full of cash involved in a drug deal and they’re confirming it’s money. “don’t bother counting it, it’s all there. 12.” then they always pick one up and inspect it like, “yeah, it’s grade A alright…the real deal.” 

People are checking to see if any of the eggs are cracked you walnut

Tbh, I always saw my mom check the eggs in the carton and for the longest time I didn’t know why and everytime I went out and bought eggs I’d copy her because that’s what everyone does, open the carton. So I’d always just end up staring at an open carton of eggs in the grocery store thinking “Yes. These are eggs”. And I’d buy them. 

Smh how come y’all never asked why? I’ve known since elementary school

Social anxiety is usually the answer.

FYI for folk who wondered but didn’t want to ask, you open the carton and gently twist each egg in its socket.  If the egg moves smoothly, the shell isn’t cracked.  If it sticks, there’s probably a crack underneath (the yolk sticks to the cardboard) and you should not buy it (cracked eggs are potentially sick-making eggs). Likewise, when buying meat, check to make sure that the plastic wrap is intact, and there’s no juice leaking through.  If there is, and you can, you’d be doing a good thing to bring it to the store manager’s attention.

Reblogging for people who didn’t know. I knew but both those techniques are very useful. :)

Reblogging for useful knowledge! I’ve been grocery shopping with my dad since I was a toddler, and one of my responsibilities was always the egg checking, so it never occurred to me that people might not be familiar with why it should be done. Other things that might be useful: Don’t assume all the milk has the same expiration dates. If you notice that the milk you’ve grabbed is close to the date, rummage around for a newer carton. But please also have the decency to put things back tidily when you’re done, don’t just leave milk everywhere. Ditto for bread. That plastic tag on the opening isn’t just to hold it shut, it’s also got a best before date on it. Be wary when buying bagged/packaged vegetables. If anything was moist or a little overripe during the packaging process, it’s likely spread. Check the bottom of the container/bag/etc, give it a light shake to move things around a bit. Most big chains will give you the price per item and the price per gram/ounce/whatever your dry and liquid measure of choice may be. Check these! Sometimes it’s a *much* better deal to buy a bigger package, especially for dry goods which you can store for a long time. I’m sure there are tons more, but these are all good tips for staple purchases.

Watermelon should sound hollow when thumped.  Thump near the top for the best test.

Canteloupe should smell like sweet melon.  Smell at the end opposite where the stem was.

The lower end of the pineapple should smell nicely like pineapple. If it’s not ripe, it will smell “green”, and if it’s rotten or mouldy, you’ll smell that too.

Anything non-vegetarian that has a bloated package: Do not eat. It may contain harmful bacteria and poison.

Also, if your bread has gone mouldy, it does not help if you toast it. It isn’t the mould itself that is the problem, it’s the toxins it leaves behind.

Last but not least: Use best before dates only as a rough guidance. They’re a guarantee by the producer that the product will keep the consistency and other properties. They have nothing to do with food going bad or being unsafe after that date, and the food is perfectly fine to eat after the best before date. However, if food has a use by date (this is usually the case with fresh meat or fresh fish), then you have to throw it out after that date, because that is indeed the date until the producer guarantees that it’s safe to eat. There’s a lot of food going to waste because people think that best before dates are the same as use by dates, compounded by the problem that a lot of people have never learned how to check if their food is still safe to eat.

When buying apples or peppers, give them a gentle flick. They should make a crispy “thnkg” sound when you flick them. The pepper should sound more hollow when you do.

When buying tomatoes or avocados, GENTLY tighten your grip on them. Literally doesn’t take much effort and you don’t want to bruise them in the process. You want them firm but with a tad bit of give. That’s the sweet spot. Avocados should be still slightly green-ish but starting to darken to black. The same goes for things like oranges and other citrus. You want them firm but with a little give.

With the eggs, just a slight wiggle is enough to tell if they’re busted or not. You don’t have to individually twist them. At most, run your hand over the top and see if they move with you or not.

With many veggies, simply cutting off soft spots is still safe and the food is totally edible.

With greens, you don’t want black spots or edges around the leaves.

With bread in the bakery, the bags they use are designed to let air get to the crust to make it crispy. Take the loaf you want to the counter and ask them to bag it differently to stop the crisping process. Your French loaf or w/e won’t go stale as quickly and you’ll get more out of it. If you want to soften it, a smidge of butter on one side and put it in the oven on 350* for about 4-5 minutes to let the butter and moisture soak into the bread. Boom. Now it’s also buttered for you too.

Give me a minute and I’ll put up cook times/temps for various meats.

I may make a separate one for crockpot cook times as well in another post. This comes from my other blog.

Beef; Internal temp of 145*F for full cuts:

Poultry; Internal temp of 165*F, check the innermost part of the thigh, innermost part of the wing, and the thickest area of breast separately. Poultry has the highest recommended internal temperatures among meats for a good reason. Chicken needs to be checked, my dudes to kill everything nasty in it. That bird should not squawk, or you’re going to have problems:

Ham, cured, internal temp varies but not much*:

Pork, fresh, internal temp of 145*F with 3 minutes rest, note the oven temperature differences:

Fish, I’ll add to this (for times/temps) as I make things but it’s different for every fish so bear with me a bit. While the temp for cooking and cook time will be different for every fish and recipe, the internal temp should still be 145*F and/or separates easily with a fork. This applies to finfish, not shellfish. I’m allergic, so you’ll never see shellfish stuff on this site. Probably. Maybe another codex entry, but not a recipe. Sorry to disappoint.

* The difference between cook-before-eating and fully cooked is pretty straightforward but…

Sources are from foodsafety.gov and fsis.usda.gov (for the cooked vs uncooked ham stuff) websites. There’s a slew of things I didn’t include on this post for the various types of meats.

I made a commission post before, but i didn’t like it very much, so here’s an updated version. I think it’s a little closer to what i like to paint. I also have almost all of these as prints already as well!

Bug spray and reptiles

Also grrr. We have an ant problem at our house. My parents were suggested some ortho spray since it was odor free and fast drying and said on the back it was ok for pets as long as it was dry. So they sprayed parts of the house where there were problems and kept the cats away and things were good.

  Well I got a few ants in my room and ive been patrolling to make sure they arent getting near the gecko enclosures. I planned on trying some reptile safe methods that i’d looked up and was gonna pick up the stuff tomorrow…

 Came home to find all the gecko enclosures on my parents bed in the other room. Well my parents moved the gecko enclosures out of my room and moved the stuff from the walls and sprayed where the bugs were coming in around the baseboards.

  Its been about a hour since they sprayed. Im waiting as long as I can but im afraid to move the geckos back into my room. I know they were just trying to help but ugh!

 Any ideas/thoughts on what I can do to make sure none of the geckos get sick?

Weeell  I kept them out of my room as long as I could. Its been over 4 hours. I felt up the walls and carpet and nothing was wet and I didnt smell anything. (Which I shouldnt have since its supose to dry by 20 minutes in and be odorless) My parents needed their bed back, otherwise I was going to aim for 5 hours.

  Ive seen some people post about using this stuff so im crossing my fingers that im just being my normal over worrying self.

1) Put four pills on each side. The heavier side has the pill. Take the four pills from the heavier side.

2) Put two of the potential pills on each side of the scale. The heavier side has the poison pill.

3) Take the two potential pills. Swallow one. If you survive, you are holding the poison pill. If you die, you have eaten the poisoned pill. Either way you will find out which one it is for sure

1) Weigh 6 of them, 3 on each side 2a) If both sides are equal, weigh the 2 you didn’t use before. 2b) If one side was heavier, pick 2 of the 3 and weigh them. Heavier one is poisoned. If they’re even, it’s the 3rd.

Well, all I can say is that we all have our methods and some of us are more willing to take a risk in the name of science

And here we see natural selection at work.

Photography Tricks Anyone Can Do.

@i-dont-believe-in-saints this seems relevant to your interests

Now THIS is the sort of photography tutorial I’ve been waiting for!

I was at our local bakery recently and came across a loaf of bread quaintly branded as a “Peasant Loaf”. It was selling for over $6—the irony of this was not lost on me. 

In retaliation I have decided to post what I actually think of as a peasant loaf, but with the luxury of finely ground modern flour which is less likely to break your teeth because actual peasant loaf bread is like chewing rocks unless you’re soaking it in soup or stew. 

This is a very simple loaf, it requires no special tools and is a fairly forgiving dough for beginners to work with. Also it has the added bonus of looking like an expensive artisan loaf, but costs literal pennies to make once you invest in the basic ingredients.

So what do you need?

Ingredients:

Tools:

Prep and bake time total: 2 hours 45 minutes.

Yep, that’s it. You’ll notice that there’s no quantities listed up there, and that’s because you’ll be using the mug to measure everything. This helps to make sure your quantities are consistent, and means that so long as you have a mug and your ingredients, you can make bread. Heck you don’t even need a bowl, it just makes clean up easier.

Again I had Elusive Tumblr Dad help me take the photos so be warned this is going to be fairly image heavy under the cut :D

Step One: Gather your stuff.

[Patreon]

Keep reading

For those asking for my bread recipe.

I found some really old posts from the beginning of this blog (back when I was pumpernickelandcoal) bitching about how half the bread tag was really really fancily done Hunger Games stuff, and. Yeah. I want to signal boost this– easy, fast, inexpensive bread if you have to or want to make it yourself.

Fake Service Dogs?

You’re sitting at a cafe with your friend when suddenly a woman walks in with a toy poodle in her purse. The manager at the counter informs her “I’m sorry, but we do not allow dogs”. She replies with a heavy sigh and a “She’s a service dog. She can come with me”. Not knowing much about service dog law, and worrying about getting sued for asking further questions, he sits this woman down at a booth. There, she promptly unzips her purse and places the dog on the booth seat next to her. When the woman’s food comes out, the little dog begs and she feeds her bits off her plate. This dog is not public access trained, and proceeds to bark at those who walk by. This dog is a nuisance and causes many in the restaurant to complain. The manager cannot do anything but inform the unhappy customers that this is a service dog, so he can’t ask her to leave. In the end, it’s the customers who end up leaving.

Now I walk in with my highly trained service dog pressed against my leg in a perfect heel position, and I’m quickly bombarded by the manager telling me “No dogs! No dogs! We ALL know what happened last time”. Confused, I tell him “This is my medical alert and medical response service dog. Her right to accompany me is protected under federal law.” With a sigh, he seats me at a table far away from others where my dog promptly tucks under my feet, out of sight. When my food arrives my dog is still tucked tightly under the table because she knows she’s not supposed to eat when she’s on duty. She stays there ignoring those who walk past for the remainder of my meal. When we leave, a woman by the door exclaims “Woah, I didn’t know there was a dog here!”

See the difference?

Scenario number two occurs at a local grocery store when a man decides to bring his certified emotional support animal into the store with him. Upon entering he flashes a fancy ID card and certification papers. This dog is not as unruly as the first, but he still forges ahead of his handler, sniffs the food on display, and may seek attention from those who walk past. You find this dog adorable, and when he and his owner walk past you ask to pet him. The owner says yes and explains how all he had to do was go online, register his dog, and a few weeks later they sent him a vest, ID card, and certification papers.

Now I pull into the same grocery store. I’m in a rush to get an ingredient for a dish I’m making so I hurry into the store with my service dog next to me. I’m quickly stopped by a manager who demands to see my service dog’s certification card. Remember, this is NOT required by law, and most real service dog teams don’t have them. After 15 minutes of trying to educate, pulling up the ADA website on my phone, back and forth bickering, and drawing more of a crowd than I want to describe… I’m finally allowed in. I grab my ingredient, stand in line (where my service dog obediently moves between my legs to make space for those around me), and I get bombarded by people asking to pet my dog. I explain that she’s working, she has a very important job to do, and she’s not allowed to be pet while on duty. People walk away grumbling and complaining about how rude I was when other handlers like the man they met earlier allow their dog to be pet.

Moral of the story? Fake service dogs create real problems. The ones who are impacted the most are the true service dog handlers who rely on their dogs every day to help mitigate their disability. How would you feel if everywhere you went, you couldn’t make it 10 feet in the door because people were asking you questions? Imagine how much time that would take out of your already hectic day. Businesses lose customers because word gets out that there are unruly dogs in their store, customers become misinformed and start thinking some of these behaviors are okay, some people even start to believe the lies that anyone can just register their dog online and make him a service dog. The result? MORE fake service dogs. MORE real problems.

My stepmom has a fake service dog, and it makes me want to punch her in her entitled face. She indeed went online and registered her completely untrained dog basically so she could take her to the mall with her in a damn stroller.

I have been considering getting an emotional support animal myself and, FYI for other folks who might need one:

This has happened to me.

I got into one of these altercations, and the management tried to put their hands on me. I’m a blind person with a dog, and they tried to throw me out. My dog pressed between us and stood his ground. And it threw the manager off. He threatened to call the police. I asked him to please do, because they’d want to see these business practices which are illegal. 

Eventually he called the owner who came and said “What’s the problem?”

Afterward, the manager comes back to me and proceeds to apologize by saying “We have homeless people try to come in and use the restroom, and black people sit in our large driers, and people always say their dogs are service dogs.”

Nevermind the racism and classism of those comments…

I was like, “You need to leave me the fuck alone.”

I ended up reporting the business to the DOJ, which took six weeks to hear back about, and then it was put into mediation, where I got to meet the owner and explain in detail why everything about that situation was fucked up.

But here’s where my advice varies from the above.

I did buy a registration card for my dog, even though it isn’t necessary or legally required. I did it so that I could flash the card if I got harassed by some ignorant fuckwit who wanted to spend his afternoon aggression delaying my life. So I bought it, and when saying “This is a service dog” didn’t work, the card usually did. However, in this instance, at the laundromat, the man wouldn’t even look at it. He was absolutely belligerent. I wrote the longest yelp review of my LIFE. I even reported them to the better Business Bureau and the city.

I was so fucking angry. And my dog was so stressed by the physicality of the encounter, he vomited later. Looked up at me like, “I’m so so sorry I did that.”

But I know he was just worried for me. 

Anyway, don’t do this shit. Don’t bring your dogs around and say they’re service dogs, because guess what, there is a code of conduct listed on the ADA site, and if your dog doesn’t obey those restrictions or training guidelines, it doesn’t count as a service animal, and one day, you’re going to meet someone who calls you on the BS. You’re making real disabled people’s lives even harder. Do they need that? Fuck no. Why would you do that?

 Ugh. Yes this fake service dog stuff is the worst. We looked up laws on this and talked to the police and they said if the dog was not under control we could ask them to leave and if they wouldn’t we could call the police to escort them out. Off course this only came after some guy came in with a fake service dog who bit my coworker and then took off before the police got there. They never found the guy and my coworker had to go through the rabies vaccine and got super sick from them. :\  

 I really wish there was more in place to protect the people and animals who are genuine and a way to crack down on this fake bs.

When your friend shows vague interest in farming sims and they don’t know the depth of your obsession but you just want to share. 

i can’t believe all the people losing their shit over this post are the same people who make ‘triggered’ jokes.

Here’s the thing.

If you at all monitor your language based on your audience—avoiding curse words in front of kids, using bigger words in front of your boss—you obviously care about the impression your words give people. 

Do you avoid talking about the attractive sex after your bestie’s breakup? Congratulations, friend, you’re being a decent human being.

Your friend wishes you call them Charlie instead of Charlotte. It’s just a nickname. Would you say “No, your birth certificate says Charlotte so I’m calling you Charlotte?”

Your co-worker tells you that he gets extremely uncomfortable when you clap him on the shoulder, due to a creepy uncle who did the same thing. Do you make a point to clap him on the shoulder every time you see him?

It is really not that difficult to be “politically correct.” It does not mean that you must eliminate all opinions completely, it merely means—at a basic level—that you should attempt to be aware of your audience and how your words and actions affect them. 

Don’t call it being “PC,” if you must. Call it being “aware and empathetic.” Being a human with decency and respect for other people, cultures, and experiences.

^boom. couldn’t have said it better myself.

I FOUND IT GUYS I SPENT HALF AN HOUR LOOKING FOR THIS VIDEO AND ITS HERE

Always reblog peent.

*before clicking play*: IS THIS WHAT i THINK IT IS???

*clicks play*: IT ISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

omg!! omg

Forever reblog.

Heaven let your eent shine down.

@hawkscape