I wish more men knew about the unspoken trauma that so many women have about sex, and I mean sex even when it’s consensual and in relationships. For so many women, it’s like sexuality just gets beaten out of us because we’re not socialized to ever really consider ourselves during sex.
The prelelance of faked orgasms points to this. Sex is about performance, we learn, and you perform pleasure and enjoyment, because ultimately your orgasm is about their ego.
“Well just tell him what you like. God, women are so ridiculous.”
But we are so often punished for asking for genuine pleasure, often by the men who supposedly want to please us so badly. The cold shoulder, the pouting, the “but my ex liked it this way.” And then they are shocked and frustrated when you stop initiating sex, when you go quiet, when you seem “off” even though it’s all their own fault because they’ve quietly taught you that sex is to be endured, not enjoyed. Sex is for him, not for you.
“Well why did you stay? Pick better men. Don’t have sex with those men (translation: fuck me instead).”
But no one ever taught us any different. You aren’t taught that you deserve more. In fact, you’re taught the opposite.
You’re socialized culturally to seek out “good men” and that good sex is secondary. You’re socialized to seek stability, safety, practicality, maybe kindness if you’re lucky. Because “women are emotional creatures when it comes to sex” and if you love a man enough the sex will automatically be good, and if it’s not good enough for you, well you’re just selfish. You’re browbeaten by society (and often individual men themselves) into sleeping with men and being in relationships with men you’re not attracted to or don’t enjoy having sex with because society brainwashes you into thinking that liking someone’s personality is an adequate substitution for actual attraction and chemistry. After all, rejecting or breaking up with an otherwise “great guy” because the sex is bad is practically a fucking cardinal sin.
And men wonder why so many women have such a fucked up relationship with their sexuality. All of this, combined with the prevelance of sexual assault, just teaches us that our sexuality is not our own. Our bodies are not our own. And thus we become alienated from what should be one of the best parts of ourselves and our lives. It’s just so fucked up out there.
