Serious Shenanigans

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a good thing i saw on twitter when i was looking for rocks

To be fair, humans are some bullshit from a balance perspective.

“I’ll just outrun that human…any day now… any… day… jesus christ it’s the terminator.”

“Maybe I can outsmart it and hide. What’s that you say, its brain takes up 20% of it’s caloric intake? FML.”

“It doesn’t have any natural weapons. I’ll just turn around and kill it. OH GOD IT’S GOT STONE CLAWS THAT ARE UNHOLY SHARP!”

“Okay, fight number two. It’s squishy so if I’m careful and find the right time when it’s weak I can - IT HAS PROJECTILE SHARP THINGS!”

“I’ll try crossing the river. It’s too gangly to be buoya - IT CAN SWIM?!?”

“Okay nothing can swim and run and climb. I’ll just go up this tree… FML it descended from apes.”

“It doesn’t even have fur, I can run to a colder climate and escape. Welp, it’s wearing the fur of my loved ones to keep warm.”

“If the whole herd bands together and protects each other, we can trample it… it can CONTROL FIRE.”

“Fuck it. Might as well just follow them around and get domesticated.”

Prettymuch everything we did to animals comes out of a horror movie.

Welp, it’s wearing the fur of my loved ones to keep warm.”

Red Tane, the Void Sword, Champion of the Carcharodon Astra 3rd Company by Brian Janeczek.

Red Tane, the Void Sword, Champion of the Carcharodon Astra 3rd Company by Brian Janeczek.

Te Kahurangi, the Pale Nomad, Chief Librarian of the Carcharodon Astra by SJ Warner‎.

Best use of the new Cypher model or best use of the new Cypher model?

Exactly what I was thinking. 

And I’ve seen some great uses of that model.

I really do think that a vast majority of the fandom doesn’t fully grasp how weird Hanzo is from a Japanese standpoint. It really is a shame that Mccree gets the brunt of the weirdo reputation, especially since it’s not nearly as strange to dress as a cowboy when looking at it from a different context. Hint, Mexican people dress like vanqueros in modern day. It’s not strange.

Hanzo, on the other hand, is. Such a completely different bag than any of the other characters. First there’s his name, which is completely archiac, and not in the “old people understand” strange, I mean centuries back levels of fucking bizarre. It’s like naming your kid Achilles, Agamemnon, or Hrothgar. 

Next, his style of dress is again, completely based off of ancient samurais, save for that cursed left tit. So, not only is this guy named Hanzo, but he dresses like someone who would have been called Hanzo, basically the equivelent to a man named Agamemnon running around dressed like an Ancient Greek warrior, using Ancient Greek weapons, speaking phrases in Ancient Greek.

Finally, his… values. I don’t know how Japan would be in the future, but first, it probably has a higher population of minorities (hopefully the rampant xenophobia would have gone down), I don’t doubt the society would be more progressive, and ideas like honor, stoicism, there’d be more awareness towards it, so people are becoming more aware. Hanzo “I must reclaim my honor” Shimada?? His ideals are crusty, old, and gathering dust in cemetaries that have a couple centuries on them.

Mccree was not fucking around when he called Hanzo “a little old fashioned”. Hanzo would defend anachronisms, the man is an anachronism embodied, distilled into one smelly, grumpy, half nude little man. To recap, imagine some magical angry alcoholic dude named Agamemnon, dressed like an Ancient Greek with Ancient Greek weapons, with the values of an Ancient Greek warrior, carrying around two inexplicable spirit beasts of infinite power inside of his fucking tattoo in a world that’s more focused on sci-fi, whereas these dragons are clearly magic.

I just need to reiterate one more time, yes the other characters have their quirks, but Hanzo is a fucking freak of nature. A cryptid. He is absolutely a meme in Japan if anyone has ever caught a glimpse of this astronomically confusing motherfucker. 

I like Hanzo more now.

It always weirds me out when I find out that something I thought was reasonably common is actually incredibly rare.

Like, I just found out today that, excluding unmanned military drones, there are only about 25 blimps in the entire world, perhaps half of which are currently in active service.

If you’ve seen the Goodyear Blimp, you’ve personally witnessed 4% of the world’s entire blimp population.

“Blimp pilot” is one of the rarest and most specialised jobs on the planet.

I’d always assumed there were more of them.

My bros I have been doing a lot of reading about Wacky WWII Hijinks lately and I want to tell you a story because I love it okay

once upon a time there was a dude in Spain named Juan Pujol Garcia. Pujol was a chicken farmer. Pujol hated him some goddamn fascists.

See Spain had recently ended its civil war, with the fascists taking power. So when WWII broke out in Europe, Spain technically remained neutral but in practice was buddy buddy with the Nazis. Juan Pujol Garcia thought this was pretty bullshit

so soon after war breaks out Pujol travels to his local British embassy and goes “hey I wanna spy on the Nazis for you”

“who the fuck are you?” say the British, and kick him out

but Pujol is not deterred! He still wants to dunk on some fascists, so now he goes to his local German embassy instead. “hey” he says, “I wanna spy on the British for you, I sure do hate them”

“yeah okay” say the Germans “that seems pretty legit”

and just like that Pujol now officially works for the Abwehr, the German intelligence agency. They hand him some spy gear (invisible ink and such) and instruct him to travel to Lisbon, and from there make his way into the UK. So Pujol heads to Lisbon, and a little while later writes to his German handlers telling them he’s made it to England

Pujol had not made it to England. He had, in fact, made it to the Lisbon public library, where he checked out a number of English guide books and set about just wholesale making shit up

this is slightly complicated by the fact that, for example, he completely did not understand British currency and all his expense reports were basically gibberish. He also reported things like bribing Scotsmen, because the people of Glasgow would “do anything for a litre of wine” (an actual quote) because, hey, people in Spain like wine so that’s probably the same right?

Here is where it starts to get really crazy, because the Abwehr loves this. “wow this dude is a great spy” they say, because apparently none of them had ever been the England either. In fact, they are so pumped about this new awesome spy that the British start to get worried

you see, by this time the British had cracked German’s supposedly unbreakable Enigma code and were totally dunking on the Nazis by reading basically all of their ~super top secret~ radio transmissions. And, crucially, they’d become so good at breaking and reading traffic that there were literally no German spies in England. The Germans would set up a spy drop (usually dropping dudes in by parachute in the middle of the night), the British would intercept the message and then just scoop the dudes up as soon as they landed in a move that must have been SUPER embarrassing to the spies

so there are no German spies in the UK because they’re all sitting in a prison run by MI5 (although some are being run under supervision as double agents, feeding Germany bullshit). But suddenly MI5 is picking up all this traffic from the Germans talking about their super great spy- a spy the British do not have in their jail

“oh shit” says MI5, and starts rereading all the transmissions they have to and from this mysterious super spy.

“hey wait” says MI5, upon actually reading the shit the spy was sending. “someone is playing silly buggers, pip pip cheerio”

At this point, Pujol, still in Lisbon, had actually been approaching the British embassy again, repeatedly, but apparently “I am literally an Abwehr agent and would like to offer you my services” wasn’t interesting enough, because he was repeatedly turned away, again. It wasn’t until MI5 started asking around that one of the embassy staff was like “oh yeah we know that guy”

so in 1942 the British finally make contact with Pujol and he officially becomes a spy for MI5. They move him to London and assign him a case officer so he can start making up even better bullshit

and he does. Once actually in London, Pujol reports to the Abwehr that he’d recruited a whole slew of informants- from a bunch of Welsh Aryans to disaffected army officers. He ends up with a network of 20+ sub-spies, all feeding him information from around the UK

none of these people actually exist

Pujol just straight up invented like 20 people, keeping careful track of their fake personalities, names, and activities. With the help of MI5, the information he sends becomes even better- a mix of true but ultimately useless facts and actually important intel timed to arrive in Germany just slightly too late to be of any use. He and his “spy network” become the Abwehr’s most trusted agents

Pujol, now codenamed Agent Garbo (for his acting skills), ends up playing a huge role in the run-up to D-Day, where the Allies mounted a huge intelligence campaign to convince Hitler that the planned site of attack was going to be Calais and not Normandy (this was Operation Fortitude and you should absolutely look it up for more Wacky WWII Adventures). Obviously you know how this ended

crazily enough, the Abwehr never figured out that Pujol was a double agent. After the war he received both the Iron Cross Second Class (which require personal authorization from Hitler), and a Member of the Order of the British Empire (from King George VI)

unable to resist being totally fucking ridiculous, Pujol turned down MI5’s post-war offer to continue spying, but this time against the USSR. “no,” he said “just help me fake my own death and then I’m moving to Venezuela”

and that’s exactly what he did. Juan Garcia Pujol died in 1988, at the age of 76

WW2, spies

A true servant of Him on Earth!

TERRA! HIM ON TERRA!

I always prefered the originally-used Him on Earth from 3rd edition, and since I’ve managed to get it into at least one novel so far I’m confident the phrase is still canon ;) 

me: uses my sleeping kitten’s paw to navigate my smartphone

he woke up and retrieved his paw

you Used him

he’s on the bed and he won’t come near me

youve betrayed his trust………he Knows

good thing i got 13 more of these fluffs

second kitten also abandoned me and they both formed a coalition

their cause is gaining numbers

this is a revolution

i tried calling in the cavalry but they overwhelmed us quickly

we are….defeated.

you may have lost the battle but all I see is a winner with 14 kittens and a dog

IM GOING TO STAB MYSELF IN THE FOOT I JUST SENT MY ENGLISH TEACHER MY ESSAY ON HAMLET AND IT WAS STILL NAMED “the fresh prince of denmark yo holla”

oh man, i love receiving unedited final drafts:

cracks me up every time

Another iconic John Boyega clap back

Look at my husband doing the lords work.

AHAHA

tbt when they tried to pull that shit on John Legend too

#LetBlackMenSpeak 

Anderson Cooper’s co-workers prank him on live TV (x).