I think the most fun part of monsters inc is boo calling sulley “kitty” and mike wazowski by full government name

hey boss i can't come in today it's a sunny day and there's a lovely breeze coming in through my window, yeah it's rustling the branches of the tree outside that's finally bloomed so it's pretty serious

One nostril clogs another one opens or however the saying goes

why does every job want you to have a drivers license… cant you want me for my loving nature

I don’t care about it at all (I have carried its weight around like a rock on my chest since the very day it happened)

“i can’t do this anymore” says a girl who is not only going to do it but do it well

I'm like if a girl had the urge to scream and break something all the time but stays quiet instead

worst part about getting angry is how much it makes you want to be mean

sorry i said something dickish. a few mildly frustrating things happened to me in succession and it turned me evil

petition to bring back saying "huzzah!" when something goes your way and "alas." when it doesn't

in hindsight, pitching something that would be deemed a fair bit strange by some standards to a site teeming with already incredibly strange people was a mistake. apologies tumblr users i’d forgotten where i was

Tasteful bulge? Yeah I would like a taste f- [I am interrupted by the sound of a dry twig snapping. This is impossible, as I am in the infinite linoleum bathroom dimension for this joke.]

this would have got 100k notes as a tumblr post in 2018

the bus to itself every time you press the button:

vampirism poses the question "what if there was a fundamental, horrible, unending well of want in your soul that, if truly satisfied, would lead to great pain for all those you hold closest and, in turn, their absolute and total revilement of you?" and naturally as a person with no problems I don't relate to this in any way at all.

vampirism also poses the question "what if someone you loved, through no fault of their own, needed something from you, and giving it to them and seeing them happy provided you the greatest joy, and you were the only one who could do it, but at the same time it was slowly draining all your life out of you?" which is also a completely unrelatable idea to me because I'm a normal person with no issues.

one of the most infuriating things about becoming an adult is when you realize that it actually is 10x easier to solve problems by making a phone call vs literally any other communication method

me: oh man im starving but im not sure what i should make for dinner……

the spirit of a 12th century templar knight that died a horrific death due to torture that started haunting me after i found a sword in the middle of the woods: spaghetti once more, prithee?

me: henry you are brilliant. spaghetti it is