Hi. My name is Rozi. I have generalized anxiety disorder, social anxiety, and seasonal affective disorder.
My anxiety is a functional type, which means most days I can go about my business as usual, especially when life is treating me well. Other days I struggle to go to the grocery store, complete basic chores, or fulfill my duties at work. One day, the day my best friends were getting married (to each other), I spent huddled in a closet staring at my phone, and hiding from everything around me. It was a wake-up call, and the moment I decided to speak to my doctor about it. Since then, I have taken daily medication to prevent my symptoms from interfering with my life.
Seasonal Affective Disorder has been affectionately nicknamed SAD, and is really a serious case of the winter blues. Some people get dreary after so much darkness and gray - and sometimes people simply lose the will to live. This seasonal depression can be helped with phototherapy; I use a Happy Light for at least an hour a day at work, starting when Daylight Savings ends. Vitamin D can also prevent the effects from becoming too severe. Like other forms of depression, therapy is a useful tool. Two years ago I found a therapist during an incredibly rough February. She helped me manage some of my anxiety symptoms and acted as a life coach to move me into a new direction. Unfortunately that included a new job with new insurance, which she didn’t accept.
In September this year, I found a new therapist who my insurance covered. I had started to struggle in my workplace and it was affecting the rest of my life. My anxiety symptoms were coming back and I wasn’t coping with them positively. As we started talking, they suggested that I be kind to myself and take care of myself. At the time, I was heavily invested in the idea of self-care, but took it to such an extreme. I really spoiled myself, mainly with food, reassuring myself that it was okay because I was “treating myself” and in my mind I related that to taking care of mental health. I was neglecting my physical health, even though I was still active in Weight Watchers, attending meetings and sometimes tracking my food. In October I had a much anticipated and joyful vacation to Hawaii, and returned by telling my boss that my job wasn’t a good fit and that I would be looking for another position inside the company. That was met with sadness but also acceptance, and support from my supervisor.
As the days became shorter, I continued to eat outside my suggested point range for weight loss and stopped exercising as regularly. I gained weight, but reassured myself that I would get back on track “next week.”
On January 12th I quit smoking. Two weeks later I met with my therapist for the second time of the year. I described how I’d been feeling since we had spoken last. They told me “it sounds like you’re depressed.” I thought a lot about that the next week, and gave myself fun things to do and think and look forward to. I started a new workout plan. It was February and I was going to kick this year’s butt! The following week I went into their office with optimism. I had started to take care of myself, truly, and think about what that meant for me - eating a pint of ice cream wasn’t the answer.
That was last Friday, less than a week ago. Starting Sunday, I experienced the strongest physical anxiety symptoms I’ve ever had during my work days - stomach tightness, tingling fingers and lips, perceived difficulty breathing - and it continued through Tuesday. I had the wherewithal (and a nagging suggestion from my therapist) to schedule a doctor’s appointment to reevaluate my anxiety medication. By Tuesday the depression also came back and I had such a difficult time concentrating or even caring about my work. This is a cycle I’ve been experiencing for the last month - I am not motivated to do my work, I slack off, I feel guilty about slacking off, I feel terrible and like I’m the worst employee, and but it doesn’t seem like anyone cares what I do so I should just keep slacking off, and what’s the point in even working? I get so disheartened about this cycle because I KNOW my work is beneficial, I KNOW it is helping people, in the long term it is saving people’s lives. But my heart is just not in it. The cycle got so bad on Tuesday I thought of going home early. The following day, today, I stayed home. I was scared of how I would feel again, and understood that mental health is just as important as physical health - and mine needed to be nurtured.
My sick day started off by waking at my normal time. I ate a semi-healthy breakfast and went to the gym early in the day to make up for my skipped scheduled workout from the day before. I came back to my apartment and took a long hot shower, the first in a few days. I made myself a truly healthy lunch from leftovers, and left the apartment for a quick errand. While there was much I wanted to accomplish today, I reminded myself that it is okay to rest on this day and not worry over incomplete tasks. I plan to fold some laundry and file some paperwork, but most importantly was how much I needed to write this.
Last week I thought I had “cured” myself - extra Happy Light time and vitamin d did the trick! When I felt the darkness sneaking in again, I listened and I am so glad I did. Quitting smoking, losing weight, and managing mental health have a lot in common - they’re not easy, it’s vital to have a plan, and they require constant reflection. I have spent SO MUCH time thinking about these three things lately it’s a wonder I get anything else done. But looking forward, looking within, and looking back all guide me to make healthy decisions every step of the way.
The gray had made me sad. I got rid of my favorite coping mechanism. My second favorite coping mechanism leaves me hating myself. But I have the tools, the skills, and the support to succeed every step of the way.
