Thoughts from a philz.

(Josh is getting us drinks)

i am fully conscious of the fact i have and will continue to lose people that i have considered v close due to decisions that made 4 years ago now. things im currently feeling are a product of an avalanche of unexpressed emotion.

am tired and dont have time to allow myself to indulge in situations that i used to allow myself to be sad and obsess with. im in a better headspace and i need to focus on me and my partner. for those who want to be part of my/our lives will be. i cant force people to see it one way or will things to exsitence (manifest maybe).

😗😗😗 this has been a ramble bc i feel like i cant talk to anyone wo feeling i’m taking up their time

i’m no longer a sad person with happy moments, but a genuine happy person with sad moments. finally.

Thoughts from bed

1:30a

it’s probs hormones but this is the loneliest i’ve ever felt. josh notice i haven’t been myself for a bit but i’m only really acknowledging it now. it’s no one’s fault. no one to blame. it is what it is. of course it can change but i’m honestly out of energy to put in the effort.

Thoughts from Bed

1:20A

first of all, fck daylight savings. second, i miss having tricare as an insurance. my co-pay is p good but gatdamn is everything expensive here. i have 3 new cavities and need to replace two old ones. thank the lord i only have 3 new ones in the past 3 years :0 i got my blood drawn and still need to set up an appt with a gyno. i have scheduled to get my real id next month. i cant imagine my mom having to do all this scheduling for 3 kids. LAWL she did it tho. money is gonna be superrrr tight til the puerto rico trip in july. josh and i are getting by fine. i have to really stop spending on things that can wait. since our dumbass wayfair bed broke, our mattress has been on the floor. josh asked recently when we will be getting a new and i straight up told him that it is the lowest priority on my list. i look forward for the time i’ll be moving back to San Diego. live at home for a while to save and then move to a cute condo and rent the house out. i miss SD. SF is cool and all but it is really expensive. we can get a 2bed and 2 bath for the same price as our current apartment in La Jolla :0 ma just told me that SD has surpassed SF as the most expensive place to live. ah, well. josh and i will be taking over the house anyway. ah time to try and sleep. fuck daylight savings again. we dont need it >:(

Thoughts from bed

307a

Made a booboo lol. I came home ate and then “napped” for 5hrs on the couch. So now im awake. So i guess update. Josh and i moved in together. It’s wild to go back and read all my “Thoughts from ___” and see the progress.

So the living room feel like a home. Im still working on making the bedroom more bedroomy. I love the place josh and i live in. Quiet neighboorhood, close to a bart station, and not too far from work. I am a happy bean.

Going to SD just 3 days lol just so I can family and celebrate Icelee and Jemuel’s bb’s first birthday 😭 It’s really the first baby in the cousin group and i dont want to miss it. I’ve missed out on a lot of BIBAK outings and bonding bondings. I also want to show josh what i grew up with. I want to share my side my family with him. I’ve been feeling a bit homesick and want to move back to SD in the future but as of rn i know josh and i are focusing on our careers and our relationship. We’ve already talked about marriage and kids and where we’ll be raising them lol We’re just not there financially and mentally. Im emotionally ready for a bb tho haaaaaaaaaa.

thoughts from bed

3:37A

i’m finally going on a proper vacation with the person i love so very much. 

since i moved up to san francisco, i haven’t really felt like i had time to myself. it took a guy from tinder to tell me that i need to start being selfish with my time. lol fuck work too (in a work context, but still). this week, i don’t have any obligations to anyone, but to me and my love.  i came from a dark place and really fucked up mentality when i moved. i worked so hard to be okay with myself and finally be at peace with everything. i cant thank josh enough for what he did for me. he now focuses on our future and loves thinking about it. i hope this vacation gives us the time to focus on ourselves together. i love him so much. i love me so much and i deserve this happiness. 

i still need to do laundry and pack lol

thoughts from bed.

a year ago i was kinda fucking around on tinder and working retail at the lowest position. im now going pretty steady with the boy version of me and making LVN salary with my new promotion.

my goal for the this upcoming months is budgeting and paying if credit card debit. it is not a wild amount but debt is debt and it’s fucking up my credit score. i’d like to eventually have my own place with my boyfriend and have a cat.

in the midst of a pandemic, political crisis, and all around shitty year, i am grateful.

Thoughts From Bed 2:51AM

im off to work tomor- today. i start at 8. idk how to feel. i tried to fall asleep but thoughts of everything ive done wrong keeps popping into my head. i tried to listen to podcast to focus on something else but damn. no luck.

its been a while since ive been on tumblr. probs in year?

im tired.

Nothing good comes after 2am

I almost did something stupid. But thats whole point right? Temptation, escapism, and endulging in vices. That’s what got me in this situation. I know better. I’ve been knowing better. So let’s keep it that way. No more justifying. No more “it’s okay, it’ll be fine.” Nothing good comes after 2 am.

I know it’s crazy

bc it is. i decided to move a day after breaking up. excuse me, *when everyone find out and i was broken up with. let people think i’m running. i will do better. i will do better bc if i don’t learn by now then i am a shit person who doesn’t care about consequences or other people’s feelings when i have said i do.

lol it’s late. i’m thinking how crazy it is how i’m really moving to sf. we’re close on setting a meeting to see a place while i still replying to other options just in case. it’s crazy that i applied for a full-time position in retail. it’s crazy that i’ll be driving up with my stuff packed in the back of my compact ass prius.

i don’t want to get to deep in this post bc i don’t want to sound stupid dramatic. i just never thought i’d be really moving out when i’m not “ready” to. now, i have to be because i made another choice i can’t take back. i need to leave.

Knowing better.

“Dying is easy, young man / Living is harder”

-Edit-

I am also not going to be hard on myself.

I am not going to make myself believe that I’m not meant to be with anyone and die alone.

I am not going to put myself down because I think I deserve it.

I am not going to let myself believe all those negative things again.

I deserve to live and work through my problems to be better. Do better.

I thank the powers that be for giving me the friends that showed support and for the healing words.

I hope my mom doesnt try to make me go to church.

I lost my best friend and the love of my life to due my careless actions. Without much consideration, I acted upon what I thought was okay and justified it.

I have been officially branded forever by the group of people we’ve never considered close, but now are his support system. I’m going through the stages of grief and went straight to acceptance. When the news broke, I knew this was it. I wouldn’t be given another chance and I know I wouldn’t be forgiven.

It could have just between us four and that would have been the end of it. But life never works out the way we want it to, of course. I can be angry and upset at what has been done, but I can understand why it did.

I have set goals for myself for the next year. With Jonnel’s last words motivating me, I have to work on personal growth. “If not for yourself, then do it for the people that care about you.” Last thing I want is to date. I want to be single until I can honestly say that I’m happy, which I’m sure will take a good amount of time.

I’ve hurt so many people and betrayed their trust. It’ll also take a while for them to forgive me. I haven’t forgiven myself for what I did. It’s only be 3 days since hell broke loose and I’m still just accepting it. Everyone is still processing and beginning to cope. Kristen said that Jonnel and I just wants what’s best for each other now. Jonnel’s world will keep on turning, as will mine.

OOOOH MAN. I’m on my own lol. Not really, but kinda.

Thoughts from in my feels.

So, i havent thought you in a while. Watching an episode of Queer Eye with the church mom reminded me of you. I miss you and i miss the days where you were around Bibak, not just in church.

I wish you got to meet Jonnel. I wish you had made it, so i could asked you to marry us in the future.

I miss you and I’ll try to visit you soon.

“It’ crazy to see how your room has matured with you.” - kristen

Thoughts in the AM

Im sad because my friends are sad. I want to not givea shit about stuff and move on. I want them to see that they are strong independant women that need no man. I want them to take that first step to emotional recovery. But woe is me. I cant do anything but to be there and support them.

Thomas has been eating since Mom and I got home. A friend that checked up on him noticed the food looked like it hadnt been touched. I cant imagine leaving him at home for more than a few days thats the case.

I should travel more.