it’s been a while

I just received an email asking me if I still wanted this username. I haven’t used this account properly in years, bar the odd depressing update or two. I’m 26 now and I’m in my final year of my masters degree. I’ve put on an insane amount of weight over the last few years and I hate myself for it. I have struggled so much with my mental health for so long now and getting a reminder about this blog and all the memories and painful thoughts and recollections that I had stored in various blogs attached to this account have just made so much pain and anger and broken feelings swoop back on me. I have gone through so much trauma and so much hurt and heartache and every other kind of emotional pain I can think of. It was somewhat cathartic deleting all those blogs only filled with sour memories, yet reading some of them again is opening wounds I hadn’t thought were still there after years. I will keep this blog as long as I can as some sort of testament to how life has/had been for me. I don’t know when I’ll next post to here. I’m still alive, I’m still fighting. It’s a tough fight but I’ll keep going. I have to.

i’ve logged into this account for the first time in a really long time and I almost wish I could reverse time to when I first started out here. tumblr was my outlet. my safe haven. I’ve met and lost some wonderful people on this website. people that took my mental health struggles and believed every word I said. people who believed in me, people who were there.

it hurts now that i’ve had this blog for nearly 10 years and I feel just as bad as I did when I started, maybe even worse. I wish it wasn’t like this, but it is. people always say “it’ll get better” and they’re right, it can do. for a short while. but it doesn’t go away. it never goes away.

how do you even begin to want to feel happy again when you don’t know how anything feels but excessive self-loathing and sadness? this is my normal. how do I get away from this? I don’t know what it’s like to feel happy. I haven’t since I was about 14. really, truly happy. sure, i’ll be happy for a while, but that voice is always in the back of my mind. haunting me, telling me how i’m worthless, how the world would be better off without me, how i’m such a fucking coward for not being able to self-harm any more.

depression is so fucking paralysing and I can’t breathe and I don’t want to have to live like this but I don’t know how to live any other way